I walked into the hospital Chapel tonight.
Me, I am a born and bread Jew, but as I was walking up to my
ward, bored beyond my wits, quite literally, I thought ''why
not stop here, I mean, Churches are normally cool''
So I walked in, took a step through the hospital doors; Rows
of benches all pointing towards a podium with a cross above
it.
To my left there was a notice board, well, so I thought at
first, it was a prayers board, people would put their
prayers there so that later the Father, and others could
pray with them, or for them, I am still not a hundred
percent on how THAT works.
There was a sign on top of the board instructing you to
''take a note from the wooden box and pin it up'' so I
though ''what the heck, why not?''.
Sure, anyone could think of prayers you think. I was
thinking ''I will pray for this to be over, so my mom will
have a break, so it will be easier on my family- I will
address it to 'dear god, whom ever you may be'''
That's what I was telling myself alright. I picked a note
from the wooden box which was, and still is, hung on the
wall, took the pen from in there went to the little bar to
write, putting down my water and medicine.
I began ''Dear God,'' and continued much quicker than I
thought I would.
''thank you for all you have done so far. Life.'' And
stopped.
Now, do I write ''I wish'' or ''I pray'' or ''may you
pray'', I mean, what's the point, I just thanked god for
everything, so how can I ask for more?
Yes, I wish to get better, and wish my family didn't have to
worry, and were doing good themselves, but really, could I
ask for it from some other source?
I stuck the note in my back pocket and turned around and saw
a sign asking not to use mobile phones in the Chapel. (which
reminds me, I should turn it back on.). so I stepped out of
the chapel, and turned my phone off.
Funny how you can be in a place ridden with signs asking you
to turn your phone off, and you just walk on, and how in
some places, you feel obliged; at least out of respect.
I walked back in and sat down, thinking.
I was thinking a lot of things, I can try and trace the
trail, and I will, and I am sure I will be missing quite a
lot.
''but who is god, for me it's nature, and how can I ask her
to make me better, or my family to be calm? All I can do is
thank her for these trees, and air I breath- life'' then it
happened, the song popped into my head (songs pop into my
head quite often), and it was playing, and I was singing
''oh life'' and I was thinking of the next couple of words;
''oh life, is bigger, it's bigger than you and you re not
me...'' I was singing it over and over, just the opening
line- ''oh life...'' trying to be sure if it IS actually
''bigger'', then it hit me, I am sitting in a church-
chapel, what ever you want to call it, singing ''losing my
religion'' (by the way by R.E.M).
What religion is it that I am losing? My Jewish-ness? My
belief in Mother Nature? I still don't know, I just remember
thinking about what my friend told me over the phone.
Ten minutes prior to my entry to the chapel I spoke with a
dear friend of mine, one which I love more than words can
describe, and she asked me the same question her mom asks
her when she is unwell ''what did you do?''
I thought about it then, told her I don't think I've done
nothing, I've been keeping good.
Yes, which led me to thinking, down there in that chapel, of
all the things I've done, or haven't, which would have
caused trouble, or pain, and a few things came along, and I
was making plans to write them down, to clean myself; that's
when the song started playing again ''choosing my
confessions'' I almost laughed out loud, or maybe I did.
Whichever way, I found myself quite sure of one thing. There
is something about churched and chapels, no matter how
Jewish you are.



I got back to my ward, medicine and drink in my hand and sat
down.
You see, I was thinking about making a hospital diary, but
you see, there is not much I can tell. I am sure many people
have greater stories than mine. And yet somehow, here I am,
telling you this.
I guess, when you find yourself in a place so different and
strange, you can't help but start thinking about it, and
it's effects on you and the people around you.
That is what leads me to write often, and also now.
Over the threshold of those hospital doors the whole world
changes, it's a different zone, time flows differently, and
if you don't adjust your self to the hospital's flow it all
seems to move in slow-slow motion like some weird music
clip.
And once you walk thorough those chapel doors, you are in a
new place again, that moves in a new pace.

Where ever you are, I hope you like the way time and things
flow, and that you are flowing away happily.

All my love.
ron

(16/05/06 Northwick Park Hospital)