Fuck All, All Fucked After All - Fucking Disappointment...

"From ashes we come and to ashes we'll go, what matters is
what we've done in between." a wise man said once.

As I try to look at my life up to now, I can't seem to stop
the feeling of missed time. I don't think I have had any
real influence on anyone's life, to the extent I can state:
"I have done something in between".

As part as the natural yearning to find myself a partner
through life, or at least for this part of it, I have
realized that by looking and getting hurt, others have
influenced mine.
Some for the better and some for worse, they had a meaning,
they had content, they had essence -
I have none.

Finding a partner is not a simple task, we reach barriers
where ever we go. Are they fate? Are they shields? Are they
good? Bad? Helping? Interfering? Should we fight them?
Should we walk away?
So many dilemmas, I feel questioned in every move I make -
could this be good?

After a while, we don't know what we're chasing. Is it
someone to love? Is it someone to love us? Are we in love
with being in love? Or is it true?
What shall we do if we finally find someone, but they
already found their own? Is there true love? If so, how do
we know it? What do we do if our true love, doesn't want
us?

All the "loves" I had, don't seem to be in my life anymore.
They had their influence, they pushed me to the edge of my
containable feelings, there was a big bomb and our ways were
separated. What now, can't live in the past - but the past
won't let us go to the future. I can't seem to be satisfied
with a casual meeting in a pub. It seems that it takes more
for me to really be set on someone - to really be drifted
towards love.

Friendship is all I got from all these "relationships" and
these friendships did not last. I don't need any more
friends - I need to be released, to be relaxed and just
be.
I am so tired from the race, so beaten-up from the chase, so
hurt from the struggle, so sad from the outcome. There is
only one word which can sum the pool of tears from my eyes:

               disappointment



and still... we go on with our lives...