Ananlia's Monologue

We speak about love. We speak about many things, but tonight
we speak about love. More correctly, you speak about love. I
mainly listen, and you tell me things. Your words are so
beautiful, and I don't want to interrupt them, to stop the
flow. You know how to handle words, you take them and you
shape them and you make the most beautiful things with them
and they listen to you and do what you ask. And mostly when
you speak about love. I feel then that maybe after all I
will be able to understand what love is.
I thank you in my heart for this.
You don't try to touch me. Sometimes I think that you don't
want to, that all you want is to speak with me. But no, it
isn't true and I know it. You let me take my time. You
understand, without me saying so, that I like to go slowly.
Many things you understand without me saying them, and I am
happy for that.
I thank you for that, as well.
When you leave, I go to sleep. On the way from the bathroom
to the bed, I look at myself in the mirror. Tonight I feel
very beautiful. I think it is because of you.
I lay in my bed, and my mind is very clear. The thoughts I
have are very few and far between. My mind tonight is like a
clean sky. Very blue and deep. From time to time a white
bird passes by. I do not look at it very hard, just seeing
it in the corner of my eye and let it pass without examining
it. Tonight, I don't have to. You make me feel so good.
Tonight I am at peace.
I sleep very well. A short sleep, because I have to go to
work, but very good. When I wake up I feel refreshed and
happy. Maybe I dreamt about you, I am not sure. I'm not
trying to find out. It's enough for me to feel happy.
During the day, I remember you from time to time. I remember
last night. Whenever I feel tired I remember last night and
I know it was worth it. I am still happy, and happy to know
that I will see you tonight again.
But I don't want to need you. Maybe I am afraid of that. I
have to be careful.

We go to the park. I like it there when the weather is nice,
to go in the narrow paths between the trees, to touch them,
to smell the flowers. I can feel your eyes looking at me
when we go, and the feeling is good. I can tell, without
looking back, that you like to look at me. It's good to feel
that.
We sit on the grass and look at each other. Your eyes are
very beautiful. I cannot tell their color, sometimes I think
that it is changing every time. But I like to see them when
they are looking at me. I like what I see in them then. It's
like you understand me, you accept me. When your eyes are
looking at me I know that I can be myself, completely, and
that it's ok. That everything is ok. I don't have to explain
myself. I don't need to. You always understand. I don't even
have to speak. It's so good. I like it when you look at me.

You tell me beautiful things again. I like listening to you.
The sun caresses me gently and you say, Analia, you are very
special to me. You try to explain to me how you feel.
"I always thought I knew what is love," you say, "but maybe
I did not. There was something I always wanted, but knew
that it does not exist.  Something I used to dream of, but
always forgot when I woke up. Because you don't live your
life searching for something that does not exist. I had no
name for it as well. And now I found it. Something that I
always wanted, without even knowing it. Something I always
missed. And now I know it exists, and I'm very lucky for
that. Most people never come across this thing in all their
lives. Most people do not know about it. And I do, now.
Analia, I learn so much from you."
These words are little silky things that caress me all over.
They make me so happy. It's hard to tell you that, but I
look at you and I see that you know. It's so nice, when
looking at you is enough. I feel so complete, so
comfortable.
I ask you what is love. You promise to tell me, but later.
You say you know, and I believe you.

When I wake up, I find a note that you slipped under my door
when I was asleep. I smile. Such a great start for the day.
It's a small red card, covered with little blue letters. It
says:

When every night I dream of you;
When every morning the first thing on my mind is you;
When all the world is suddenly so happy and beautiful;
When nothing can go wrong;
When I have a smile inside for everyone;
When every minute of the day, all I want is to be with you;
When every smile you smile makes me feel like I was never so
happy;
When every time I am with you it's like there is nothing
else in the world;
When every tear in your eyes brings a thousand to mine;
When at your presence I become the best man I can be -
Then I know that I love you."

I like this note. It feels true. I kiss it, then put it in
my purse, then go to work. Few times during the day I take
it out, read it again, then put it back. I feel that I am
very lucky. Being loved by you is very precious to me. I
remind myself not to need you.
Sometime I'm sorry I cannot feel the same way for you. I'm
not sure why it is like that, but that's the way it is. I
hope you can appreciate the feelings I do have for you, they
are very strong. I know that you do. It makes me happy even
more.

I was waiting so much to see you tonight. I was so happy,
maybe because I'm so tired, and I knew that being with you
would make me feel better. That it will be good for me. But
now I came, and went to see you, and your eyes are
different. They scare me. It's like, until now, every time I
looked in your eyes there were only good feelings floating
towards me, filling me, lifting me. But tonight it's not
like that. Your eyes are different, and instead of giving,
they suddenly try to take. They try to take by force what
they always get by will. Why? I try to see what happened, I
try to tell you to stop, I try to find your normal eyes, but
I cannot. They are very powerful, your eyes. They are green
now, and they are glowing, and they go very deep. They
penetrate me and they suck me and they drain me and they
strangle me. I cannot resist those eyes, so strong they are,
but I cannot be like that. I can't! So I can't look at you.

It makes me very sad. I was waiting for your eyes all day,
and now I cannot look at them. It's hard to be with you like
that. I look away. Suddenly I see that there are other
people with us. I did not notice it before. Were they here
all the time?
I look away, but I still feel your eyes on me, trying. How
come your look is so strong? I feel it better than I would
have felt a touch. I want them to be good again, to be the
eyes I like so much. I feel that I can do that, but I'm not
sure how. And you don't help me. I look away but your eyes
are scratching my skin and my soul and I feel that you
suffer and it makes me feel so bad. You can make me feel so
good, so good. So why do you make me feel so bad? I would
like to ask you, but I cannot speak with you tonight. I know
that you want me to but I cannot. Not when you are like
that. I'm sorry.
In my mind I tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I cannot
speak with you. I'm sorry I cannot look at you. But I'm also
angry with you. Why are you like that? Why do you make me
feel like that? Why are you pushing me away? I'm more angry
than sorry.
I'm lying in my bed but it's so hard to sleep now. I know
that you can make the girl you love very happy. I feel very
lucky to see this love, to receive it. But I cannot give you
everything and that makes you sad. Why can't you be happy
with what I do have to give you. It's no less, it's so much,
why is it not enough for you? But I know it is not, and in a
way I understand. I wish I could give you more, I really
wish. I know that we could be very happy together. But what
can I do? Can't you understand that?

Today you are very good. I wanted to see you, the whole day
I wanted to, but I was afraid also. Because of yesterday.
But then I came back and went to see you and the minute I
saw you I knew you were good, and I was happy. You are full
of smiles and energy. Your presence fills the room with
positiveness, which is catching. Everyone that comes near
you feels it, and the whole evening is full of happiness and
friendship. There is no one like you when you are happy,
just like there is no one like you when you are sad.
Everything is so strong with you, and everyone around you
has to feel the same as you. They can't help it.
And tonight it's happiness, and it's so good. I want so much
to kiss you now. I have to kiss you. I kiss you, and I hold
you tight, and it fills me with energy. I can tell it makes
you even happier, even stronger, and I'm thankful for that.
I feel lucky, as the room going up in the air with your
happiness. I like to look at you tonight. I want to be alone
with you, to have more and more. I wish you were always like
that.
Tonight I can sleep very well. But I'm a little worried.
What will happen next? How will you be tomorrow?