On the outside, I never cared what people thought of me. I
would pretend I didn't hear, or answer the first thing that
came to mind.. but on the inside, I felt like I had to prove
something.. that I had to change myself so that people would
stop talking.
I never did, though.. I just kept on.
And then the talking stopped. They say as long as people are
talking, you're alive. So at one point I died. I just didn't
matter anymore. There were better things to talk about, more
interesting people to analyze, more exciting events to
gossip about.  
And I feel so empty sometimes.. like I have nothing to
offer, like there's nothing in me to share with others, like
I understand too much about myself and the people around me,
and it sometimes hurts so much.. I can physically feel the
pain, like someone's cutting me from the inside... and what
did I do? How did I become this person? Is there really
nothing inside?

My friend told me that when you're drunk or high the person
you really are comes out. I never thought of it like that. I
just thought that every characteristic you have becomes
exaggerated. But I thought about what she said and I agree.
You don't feel the need to put on any shows when you're
high, and if you do put on any kind of show - you could
later reason it with the fact you were high.. And I felt
that day that with every puff I took I realized more and
more, saw myself clearer, and the people around me.
The scary part was, I hated it. I hated what I saw.
I saw myself completely different than the way I am. This
smart, deep person, with so much to offer and to give, with
an answer for everything, with beauty.. and I wondered if
that was who I depressed for all this time, and is now going
to come up in me, or is this who I had a chance to be, but
it's too late now..  
That day, she smoked her first joint. And that same day I
decided it was my last.
I felt like I've met my guidance in this life, and I got
enough of his/her/its advice, now it's time for me to try to
handle things by myself. I don't need any of the shit I used
'till now. It's like someone's whispering in my ear: you're
ready! Go on! Enough with this!
And I take it as it is. I don't even plan on resisting.

But whether it's me by myself in the real world or not, I
feel cheated. I feel like I didn't choose to leave my
guidance, it was taken away from me...

It's time. I know it is. And I'm ready. I'm ready to change
my life, I'm ready to love myself, I'm ready for anything
and everything and nothing at all... just bring it on.