"Quiet time is underrated
I still can't stand to be alone
That might be why I'm so unstable
Barely able to hold on..."
(Tired)

Someone asked me, couple of month ago, how could I adore
quiet so much and yet listen to rock music in full volume. I
guess it's because the music takes me to a parallel
universe. In that universe I don't need my silence- shell,
the music fills me up with its emotions, sweeps my mind and
my heart reacts different to that. With music I can be
myself with words of other people.

"Stone please explain
Why your silence makes more noise than thunder..."
(Iron flower)

I don't talk a lot. Everyone who knows me can tell you that.
I don't know if it's because I'm afraid that I would say
something stupid or because I don't know what people would
think of me. I just know I don't like to talk.

"I'm dancing, I'm writing songs
About what bothers me the most
About those who can't dance at all...
I'm only jumping
I'm only freaking out
And I wonder what it's all about
To close my eyes and finally see
A piece of paradise in me."
(Paradise in me)

Instead of talking I write. Stories, poems, letters-
anything I can extort from myself. When I write I'm a
different person. I write for therapy, For my soul. I know
that I can write anything I want and then burn it. And then
I'll feel so relieved. Just to burn.

"There's a fire burning in the hall
It looks great, I don't care, let it burn
I don't care, I don't care
I don't care at all"
(The ballad of Lea and Paul)

There's a fire in me. If someone would look into my eyes he
could see it. That's a fire that burns everything that is a
real something. Most of the people who think they know me
don't really know me. It's all a big show in my production
for people to think I'm better from what I burn. I don't
care to hide everything in my stomach. I don't care. I like
it, actually. Yeah, right...

"My favorite song, my favorite show
I wonder if they even know
Or if they care or if they even notice
I am standing there
I want my pets to come alive
And cheer me up and tell me
Everything's alright
Stuffed animals are always right"
(Butterflies instead)

I really don't think my parents know something real about
me. They don't know who my best friends are, they never
listened to my music (and I think it's better that way),
don't know what kind of books I read. Except the fact I live
with them and they give me food, I don't think that there's
a sign for relationship. My relationship with my pets is
better. I have tiny doll collection. When I was younger I
played with them to forget my anger and the fights in the
house. Now, they are placed in my room on a special shelf,
as if I don't need them anymore. They're supposed to remind
me that I've moved on or that I should move on.    

"Wait for me, I'm nothing on my own
I'm willing to go on but not alone
not now"
(Believe)

I can't be alone. I need my family and friends to love me. I
need to know that they love me. I need them to tell me every
once in a while that I'm still important to them.  

"Where the hell was friendship
He must have turned it off
And most of all he wondered what is love
What the hell is love..."
(What the hell is love?)

If there's something in this world that means everything to
me, it's my friends. My best friends. I'm so afraid of
losing them. I'm scared to death that I'll do something or
say something that will make them go away, stop loving me. I
know that I'll give everything I have if they ask me to. I
also know that they'll do anything to save me, from myself.

"Please, if you're coming down to rescue me
now would be perfect"
(Shadowman)





this is my way to say "thank you".