I've never been a great actress, but that doesn't mean I
don't know how to act. How to lie, how to pretend
everything's alright when it's not. How to smile when I feel
like crying, how to laugh when all I really wanna do is
scream. I know how to do it perfectly.
I find myself staring at the ceiling quite a lot. Lying
motionless on my bed, trying to figure out the meaning of
life... thinking how it feels to be dead. How strong I
really am to fight my tears away... I'm strong. I truely am
strong... but that's just a part of the show and the fake
front I have to live with.
Breathing seems like a hard thing to do. All of a sudden I
feel stuck somewhere and I don't know the way out... I have
someone pulling me down but nobody to pull me back up...
there's no escape. There's nowhere else to go. There's no
one to notice it.
I try to close my eyes and figure why everyone's trying to
run away from me. What have I done to make everyone leave me
like that? Forget my existence like I was dead. Maybe I am?
-- I haven't even got any friends left, or someone I'll
consider as one. I'm looking for someone to be there for me
but there's no one there. I'm looking for a shoulder to cry
on but there's nothing in sight.
Maybe it's the fake front I put, maybe it's the shalter on
me to protect me from the world... maybe it's because I
don't let anyone in or anyone out. I find myself pushing the
ones left away, and I don't even know how to pull them back.
I'm not even sure I want to.
Why do I bother anyway? I feel like the entire world is
against me. Not only they don't care what I'm going through,
they try their best to make it worse. They keep hurting me
no matter what I do... I see a tunnel at the end but my
feet don't move to take me there. I feel like it's all a
dream and I tell myself it's alright, it'll be over soon...
but I'm stuck in a nightmare.
I no longer know who to trust. I'm not even sure I want to
trust someone... I hate the world, I hate everyone but I
want to be loved. I want someone to hold me and tell me it's
gonna be over soon, someone to hold my hand and tell me it's
alright... it's not. No one is there for me, no one is even
interested in being there.
I can't close my eyes without feeling the tears floating
them. I can't stand myself anymore... I watch myself in the
mirror but I don't believe what my eyes reveal. This is not
me. This is not the sight I'm used to see. I feel tears
escaping my eyes once again... Where's the other girl
gone? I reach my hand to my reflection and I cry. Where's
the smiley, the cheerful and the strong girl that used to be
here instead? Where's the other side of me?... maybe it left
with the others.
I feel as though I'm losing control. I feel like exploding
and crashing down... I'm falling apart. There's so much I
have to deal with and I'm not a strong person inside...
nobody knows the real me. Nobody understands there's a
human-being under the covers, a human-being who needs
someone to cuddle, someone to hold. Something to call
'mine'... someone to be there for me. I can't cope with
everything all at once, I need someone to be there for me...
but no one's there, nobody even cares.
They no longer care.