"I love you."
His eyes meet mine as he lifts his head up a bit, his
eyebrows raised. He tightens his grip of my hands, giving my
shaking fingers a light squeeze.
I smile faintly. Then I look down and laugh bitterly, his
hopeful look turns into a frown.
"What's wrong?"
"Never mind." I look into his eyes to assure him. He doesn't
look very convinced though.
"Tell me."
I swallow hard and look down once again. I can't tell him
what's wrong... I just can't. I feel his hands tightening
themselves around my fingers once again but I don't know
what to do next.
"You don't love me?" he whispers with concern, I shake my
head a second later.
"It's not that."
"So you do love me?"
I try to nod but I can't. There's something holding me
back... I sigh and I look up at him once again, his eyes
trying to read my expression. He doesn't seem to understand
what I'm feeling...
I close my eyes and I try to concentrate in something,
doesn't matter what... just something to keep my mind busy.
How can I tell him I just... can't? I can't say these three
words... not to him, not to anyone else.
How can I tell him I've never said it to someone before? Not
to my Mum and Dad, not to my previous boyfriends... not even
to my first love. And I try to look at him in the eye but I
can't.
He seems annoyed a bit but then he places his hand on my
cheek, "You don't have to if you don't want to."
"Why do you think I don't want to?"
"Well, I just assumed..."
I take a deep breath and I try to gather all my courage
together... I try to forget about the meaning behind the
words, I think as if they mean 'Let's watch the telly'.
"I..." I start but I trail off again. A little smile appears
on his lips.
"Yeah?..."
"I..." I try again but I give up. "I'm sorry but I'm not
going to say it back."
"Oh."
I feel his heart break and his eyes cloud. "I do mean it
though..." I say before he takes it the wrong way. "I
just... can't."
"Can't what?"
"Say it."
He watches my expressions for a moment before nodding. He
doesn't understand it... just like everyone else. Nobody
else seems to understand it either... they just don't know
how much these words mean something to me. They aren't just
words... they're words with a meaning. A deep, powerful
meaning behind them... and I'm not a person to wear my heart
in my sleeve. I never show my true feelings... I just
can't.
"Don't worry," he says before he pulls me closer to him and
places a soft kiss on my forehead. I frown, not really
realising what it means... is it possible he actually
understands? Or maybe was it hard for him to say it to me
from the first place?
"I..." I start again but he silences me with a small perk on
my lips.
"C'mon. Let's go home, it's getting late." I reluctantly
agree as he wraps his arm around me. He looks down as we
walk silently along the streets.
One thing I know for sure... one day I'll be able to say it
back. One day I will... and he will be the first one to know
it.