She breathed heavily for a second, as the skin broke and
tore open. Blood gushed out and she gazed at it, letting
the sickness that rose inside her pass.
Again. She promised, but of course she knew she would do it
again. She couldn't resist - every time she caught herself
longing - it was for that feeling, for the rush that passed
through her as blade touched skin and the meaning of life
flowed in her, suddenly seeming so simple, so very much
understandable.
Then came the chanting, in a language known for the Worthy
alone:
Soriand oldre tin shionre", the chant flowed in the rich"
tongue as she raised her hands and a light stream of blood
ran down her upraised arm.
Another one. She had to do it again, to complete the
ceremony. She ignored the stains that covered her ceremony
uniform - she liked calling it that way, it made the
ceremony more formal - the black hood that covered her face
seemed like the only part of her cloak that wasn't stained
or torn.
She shrugged off the horror she refelt every time she
remembered getting in her room and finding it all messed-up
and that cloak thrown upon the floor, all torn and dirty in
the dust that covered the floor. No wonder about the dust -
she didn't want anyone to clean her room, didn't want
anyone
,to go inside it beside her. Her room was her own sanctuary
her private place.
Her stuff was her own to look at. She flared right up when
she saw the intrusion.
And her most precious valuables - that cloak, for example -
that were locked in a box deep inside the closet - were now
thrown everywhere in her room.
Then her mother came in - then her father - and they both
started yelling at her. Didn't they realize with every word
spoken that her anger only rose and the will to turn to her
Savior - to her Blessed Lady - got only stronger?
All she wanted right then was to grab her knife and
sacrifice herself upon the Goddess's alter. They made her
promise to leave it all, never to shade in the glory of the
Lady again, never feel secure again...
,Only when she knew her Lady was with her did she felt safe
warm on the inside. She thought it must be like that when
normal people find the one they're supposed to live the
rest of their lives with. She didn't consider herself a
normal person, of course. The Lady didn't choose the
ordinary for a follower.
Since the intrusion to her private life, her most precious
belongings were hidden in that apartment she hired with
some of the other Chosen.
The apartment became the place where everyone came to pray
to the Goddess and perform their ceremonies.
She hurried to finish the ceremony. The chant kept flowing
out of her mouth.
"Soriand ularian suth. Sariand ular"
It was finally over. She noticed that her wound stopped
bleeding. She smiled. Of course it did. The Lady always
kept her Chosen safe.
She took off the cloak and put it on the floor. She put the
knife, the candles and the rest of her ceremony things upon
it and tied everything into a sack. She took it to another
room, put it aside for a moment, and lifted one of the
floor tiles. Beneath it was a space where she hid her
belongings. Then she put the tile in its place.
Soon there were silent sounds of steps outside, and she
.kept her silence as a group of Chosen entered the room
Black hoods covering their faces, she couldn't recognize
any of them as they filled the small apartment and sat down
on the floor, each lighting a circle of candles around him.
There were no female Chosen besides her. She was honored to
,be the first and the only; that made her feel more special
unique. Secretly, she believed the Lady favored her. It was
forbidden, seeing preference in the Lady's actions. No one
could understand even the cause for her wishes. Not
anymore, anyway. There was, once. One High-Chosen, who
truly understood the Lady in a way no one else did, not
even any of the other High-Chosen. Then he thought he could
,out-smart the Goddess. His big mistake, she thought
,satisfied by the way his miserable life ended in flames
him begging and weeping inside the fire. That is what will
happen to anyone who thought himself equal or ever close to
the Lady. And yet - she couldn't stop wondering what else
could have brought the Lady to choose her, the only female
Chosen.
Suddenly, every murmur in the room was silenced. Those who
chanted their blessings to the Lady were hushed, and
everyone in the room lowered their eyes. No one dared to
look upon the glory of the High-Chosen.
.She felt her heart pounding in her chest as she kneeled
There was a cleared space in the room, where no one dared
,sit. There, was the sitting place for the High-Chosen
where they now approached and sat. Her breathing stopped
for a few seconds as one of them rose and spoke. His voice
felt like searing fire through her body and she crouched a
little.
There were no welcoming words. The High spoke right to the
point, and that meeting wasn't an exception.
.''You are all here because one of you is going to join us"
.Her heart pounded faster than ever as she heard those
words
Us'' meant the High-Chosen. One of them is going to be"
tested for the High. But wait - it must mean one of them
died!
His next words proved her right: "The High-Chosen Thor has
joined our Blessed Lady last night. One of you will be
replacing him under the Goddess''.
Still, there was not a sign of excitement. The Chosen knew
they had to maintain their silence, and so did she.
He continued. "We shall discuss our Lady and know which of
you shall join us''. Then he turned and suddenly all light
was gone from the room, as if sucked by an invisible
force.
She fell on her face, knowing that the Mighty Goddess had
shown her presence.

She panted, holding her injured throat. Her hands were red
.of blood and she was sweating though it was cold outside
She was walking down an alley when she was noticed by a
?passing woman. The woman hurried to her. "Are you okay
What happened? Who did this?"
When she saw the girl was unable to speak, she nodded in
understanding. "Let me take you home'', she said, "The cut
doesn't seem too deep. It will heal easily. Where do you
live?''
The girl let her help, leaning on her and leading her back
up the alley and they got to a dark street. They went up
one of the building's staircases, until they stood in front
of a door to one of the apartments. "That's where we go our
separate ways then, I guess'', said the woman, smiling.
I don't think so''. Suddenly, the girl caught her arm, and"
held it hard.
,What are you doing?! Let me go!'' The woman shouted"
scared.
Then the door they stood in front of opened, and out came
nine black-cloaked men, black hoods with a red stripe
covering their faces. The woman screamed for help and
begged to be freed, as the girl and the men forced her into
the small apartment. The girl bowed her head with honor to
the hooded men. Then one of them stood next to her and
said: "You need not do that anymore. One more test and
you'll become one of us''.
The woman's eyes widened with horror as another one took a
long, sharp knife from under his cloak. The girl seemed to
hesitate for a moment but then took the knife from him and
stood there, wondering what to do with it.
Two hooded men let the now silent woman to a room in the
back, and tied her to an alter that stood in the middle of
it. The one that spoke earlier talked now, too. "Please
move forward''. The girl did so, like in a haze, not
,realizing what she was doing. She looked down at the woman
and for a second the woman felt like in a haze, too.
Now, to the final test. Make your thanking to the"
Goddess''.
The moment the girl understood the test, her eyes widened
,with shock and she moved back and dropped the knife
horrified of what she might have done.
That's not the way I knew the Lady", she said. No one"
responded. Expectance stood in the air. Everyone waited.
The girl took a deep breath. "I'm out'', she said, "I saw
the Lady as merciful, not blood-lusted. I never thought
I'll have to kill someone in order to join you. It was a
mistake. I'm out.''
The one who spoke before - their leader, assumed the woman
-
moved now towards them.
You are certain'', he said, in a voice that burned the"
woman's mind, "that you want to leave the Lady Goddess and
drop your service? Leave your place in the Chosen and the
chance to become one of the High-Chosen?''
The girl hesitated, and then nodded. The rest of the hooded
men moved forward now, forming a circle around both of the
women.
Aludar seene rall dien'', they chanted in a strange"
language. The girl backed away in horror, her lips forming
the words.
.Wh...What are they doing?'' the woman asked, terrified"
The girl looked at her, her face blank. Then she fell to
the floor, her face in her hands, weeping with fear. It was
the last sight the woman ever saw.

She wept as they chanted of death and sacrifice. Her
thoughts ran with unbelievable speed, between accusing the
Goddess of betrayal and re-looking at her wasted life. She
felt used, tormented, betrayed, and a thousand more
feelings she couldn't really realize as she faced her
doom.
They killed the woman, and then turned to her. She knew she
couldn't escape, and didn't try to.
He kneeled beside her and wiped her tears.
.Don't worry'', he told her, "The Lady doesn't blame you"
She knows you're loyal to her. She saw something special in
you - I'm sure you've wondered about her choosing you for
the only female before - and she doesn't want you to get
hurt''.
She looked at him in disbelief. Could she have
misunderstood the chanting? Hope began to return and her
weeping stopped. He smiled - now she realized she could see
his face under the hood. He had such beautiful eyes; they
looked a bit... spiritual. She smiled back weakly. He
helped her get onto her feet. Now she felt stupid, standing
there in front of all of them, eyes red of tears. She was
careful not to look upon the blood on the floor as she
raised her gaze and forced herself to look upon the dead
woman. The woman she brought to her death. The staring eyes
almost made her sick, but she calmed herself down and
memorized the woman's face. That face forever shall hunt
her.
.Then, one of the others came forward to stand next to them
In his eyes was the one thing she wanted for a very very
long time... A black cloak, and a red stripe on the hood.
,But... I didn't pass the test'', she breathed heavily"
unbelievingly.
You did'', he said, still smiling. As he saw her eyes, he"
explained:
The Lady IS merciful. She knew you wouldn't want to kill"
the woman. You had to prove her right. And you did. That
shows the Lady did know you''.
Slowly, she began to understand. "So the test actually
was...''
"
Yes'', he answered, nodding.
Realization filled her; suddenly everything seemed so
obvious, so out of the question.
,She took the cloak and wore it. Suddenly she felt powerful
and alive. Heat filled her, and she could feel the Lady's
awareness and guidance. She felt good in it.
"
Thank you, my Lady Goddess'', she said quietly.

She walked home thinking. Everything that happened that day
flew in her mind.
After a while she found herself shaking, and new tears came
,into her eyes. The dead face stared at her silently
accusingly. She couldn't stand that. What had she done?
She couldn't get home looking like that. Her cloak was safe
in the apartment, of course, and so were her belongings.
But
her eyes were swollen and red still, now that she was
crying
again.
So she turned and went to the garden where she spent most
of her time when she was a little girl...
She looked at the young couples that were huddled together
on the grass or on the benches. At night time, the garden
became a beautiful place for lovers to be in.
She watched them talking quietly and laughing and enjoying
each other's company. How could they be so happy when
they're not serving the Blessed Lady? How could they feel
safe when the Lady's touch was not upon them?
She thought and wondered and realized. She realized how
foolish she was, devoting herself to someone she wasn't
sure even existed...
Because as she stood there, in front of the woman, knife in
hand and ready to kill, suddenly she saw another side of
the
Lady. And then, after he talked to her, he seemed to be
erasing everything so easily, as if trying to cover-up for
the Lady's actions...
She wasn't sure those ever were the Lady's demands.
Was she tricked? Could there be a chance that everything
she believed in was false?
Was the Goddess a lie?
Those questions kept torturing her, and she knew she could
never get back to serving the Lady without those questions
entering and interrupting her mind.
She thought about the apartment and her life with the other
Chosen. She thought about having to separate from them, now
that she was one of the High. She thought about being a
High-Chosen. Then the picture of the woman came back to her
mind and she shivered. Would she ever have to kill? She
could never do that.
All of her secret life suddenly seemed so wrong. She could
never come back there, she knew. Never. Not even to
retrieve her things.
She took a last look upon a kissing couple before she had
the answer in mind.
She will never go back there. She will try to forget the
Lady and devote herself to her own self.
And maybe - some day - she could find someone that will
.make her happier than she ever felt before