Light here is too bright. How did I get here once again, I
don't know.
Wasn't it just yesterday I was here, I can't remember now.
Oh no, no it wasn't it was just last year and here I am once
again waiting in line for my pills here like anyone else who
had the bad luck coming here once again. I am staring at the
big white walls that surrounding me thinking that a little
bit of color couldn't do them no harm, no harm at all.
I'm trying to catch some sleep but my racing thoughts
holding me back from reaching to desired dreams. I already
have several sleepless nights like these lately which are
the reason of me being stuck in here. It always seems to
start like this, my insanity. Just few sleepless nights and
after them I am getting stuck in this white prison with no
bars which is worse than getting a life sentence, to my
opinion.
I am trying to see if I can catch the moon with its' stars
through the small window of this tiny room they have closed
me in. I see the moon. But there are no stars in the sky
this night, too cloudy. My nose itch but I can't move they
have tied my hands and left me alone, can't tell how long it
been from then but it seems like forever now. I really
haven't done anything to deserve this, anything at all,
outside talking 'crazy'. I come to the conclusion the only
one I could hurt getting in 'those kind of situations' is
myself and even not that, I'm not a suicidal person. I am
really not, but I guess 'they' never understood that. That
includes my relatives among them as well.

Sudden discussion sounds awake me from my thoughts. The
heavy wooden door now moving inside. Talkative sounds are
getting louder now, moving closely towards me.
I recognize the face. I'd recognize them anywhere, it's
belong to a very nice female doctor which I had the fortune
to meet at my last time I was here. She's asking how I'm
feeling, I answer her I feel fine, now. Though when they
have brought me here before I was quite confused, talking in
a kind of language that only I can understand, I guess.
Those kind of 'breakdowns' always come to me after a 'broken
heart' kind of situation, when I feel I just can't take it
anymore. So, I am going to my fantasies escapes which
usually end in this place when there is no room for dreams
anymore only reality.
She is checking if I am aware where I am right now. Her
smile is what saving me from sinking even deeper to my
insanity. I smile back to her. I just love her smiles. She's
like a ray of sunshine in this dark cave I happened to fall
into once again. I just wish more people could have been
more like her, not just here, and she is a doctor not just a
silly nurse, but she is only one of many over here though I
am quite sure nothing will change her or that lovely smile
of her.
''I'm glad to see you're O.K then, Dina''
''Thanx, I'm glad to see you here. Thanx for visiting me'' I
answer cheerfully, knowing she have come especially to see
me in the 'welcome section' from another ward.
Her smile shine once again and she is leaving me feeling
much more at ease than I was before she came. Right before
she arrived I was quite confused, my thoughts were still
stuck in fantasyland. I had dreamed I was laying on a big
white bad that was on a huge spaceship flying through space
with the stars & I couldn't move cause I was being tied
down by aliens with white coats. Aliens whom their language
I couldn't understand & they couldn't understand mine
because I was speaking in my own new language of music and
they were asking their formal boring structured kind of
questions. So I answered them with a song. They didn't
appreciate it, I guess, also not me trying to flee from
them.
So they caught me and cuffed my hands and lags to the bad
like I was just another harsh prisoner. (I never understood
what's the different between cuffing just one of my hand to
cuffing me 'on four'. That thing always insulted me. I
didn't do them no harm so why did they have to behave like
this?! I never was violent either to them. So I fought by
insulting them back, calling them by 'bad names' all through
my horrified nights over there.)
Only after the wooden door had opened and an angel came by
to visit, my thoughts were back in order; she gave me back
my smile & left me smiling too. I felt lighter, my soul flew
once more and my spirit was free again.
They've came once again to free me. This staff of white.
They saw me smiling and decided I should be free because of
it, at least from the bad. I could walk free again but
there's still a lock on the main front door since it's still
a closed and shutdown word locked under a heavy metal lock
which takes its' order only from a buzzer in the secretariat
near the door.

I got up from my ties' it felt good getting up from bad. Now
I could also catch some stars in the window with my glance,
the fog has passed away. I get up & immediately start to
jump, my feet are still asleep. It actually would feel good
to step out from this tiny 'cooked up' room, though it was
nice to dream in it and imagine it to be some secret room in
a vast space ship that takes me finally to my true home in
space away from my problems, troubles & harsh life..
I feel the earth under my feet and me crashing down on the
floor once more, I have no choice but to leave this
fantasyland of mine I've made in that room and take a step
out to face reality once again, and I know facing it won't
be easy especially under 'pills control'.
I know I have no choice, I tried arguing with them already
about it, with no use or chance of winning. They think I
must take their 'light drugs' or I won't get out from my
'dream world' on my own. I don't know, sometimes I think
they maybe right.
I even had that argument with my 'Angel Doc.', she wasn't
even my own doctor but she just loved talking with me.
''So Dina, why do you think that you shouldn't take our
drugs? You do know it's the only medicine that can help you,
don't you?'' She asked me gently.
''Well I don't like these pills! It's like hard drugs' they
make me all jumpy and sleepy'' I answered ''And every kind
has it's own beadle phenomena.'' I added resentfully.