Second chances don't come along so often, if at all. I
don't know god, don't even know if I believe there is one. I
can't presume to say that I was acquainted with the higher
power that controls this weird place we live in. Some may
say I'm crazy, but they can't ignore the facts. Nobody can
ignore them. Everything is self-evident whether we believe
it or not. Some things in life, should be trusted blindly;
like one's dreams, or an unrequited love, or just the fact
that you are created inside a person. Also, everybody knows
that the same person can't be born twice. That is, too,
self-evident. But like I said, you have to believe in some
things even if they don't make any sense, even if you can't
prove them. If you really want to try, go for it. You will
not succeed. I know, I've been there, it's exactly like what
happened with Noel and I. Eventually I believed in it, in
him, even though I couldn't prove any of it.
  That day, it was the most terrible day in my entire life,
like you see in movies. I caught my boyfriend cheating on
me, dropped my keys into the sewer, got sprayed in the
perfect shade of brown by a passing car and fired for being
late for the tenth time that month. I tell you, it was a
nightmare; my arm was turning dazzling blue from all the
times I pinched myself, just checking to see if it was
definitely reality.  
 Unfortunately it was. Though it didn't matter, because I
kind of got my first second chance that night, when I met
Noel. It was like somebody had decided to forgive me for all
the stupidity and desperation I demonstrated throughout that
entire day. With one single "what do you think about my
melons" joke at the market, I was able to consider total
redemption and a completely new start on life. Noel was
everything an angel was prepped up to be; a life saver. Even
if he couldn't save his own.


  "Excuse me," a tired and weary guy addressed me between
the fruit aisle and the rice aisle, "do you think this is
low fat?" He was showing me a pack of some kind of rice,
looking completely disoriented. "Umm..I don't know," I
wasn't sure what to say, "I guess so, I mean, why else are
Chinese people so thin?" It was strange I was actually being
somewhat funny after that long awful day. He giggled in an
almost girlish way and smiled at me, revealing a tinge of a
spark in his ocean-like blue eyes. "Actually, I don't really
care, I just wanted to talk to you" I was a little shocked
by that statement and couldn't help but strike a slightly
scared stare. He picked up on it and quickly said "Sorry! I
didn't mean to come off like that. I'm really tired, and
when I see someone like you I just can't help myself." I
still wasn't reassured and managed to back away a few inches
without him noticing. The place was pretty much deserted.
"Don't be scared," he scratched his reddish left eye, "It
just means I'm...intrigued by you." The whole scenario was a
tad odd, almost seemed like some made up scene by a 17 year
old girl who lives for romance.
  "I'm guessing you had a pretty bad day too," he said
without looking at me. How did I end up in this thing,
talking to a complete stranger in the middle of a store at
night, about the worst day of my life? "That's O.K., this
hasn't been a perfect day for me either. Would you believe
me if I told you that everything that is bad in this world
managed to creep up on me today? It was like some weird
conspiracy, I swear." He massaged his forehead, probably
trying to massage his brain.
  I kept quiet; actually I didn't even know what to say.
This kind of thing never happens to me. Strangers don't
start talking to me just like that. My own boyfriend, I mean
my ex-boyfriend, was my best friend, didn't hit on me or
anything. That guy seemed pretty pathetic. What can be
sadder than hitting on a girl next to the fruit aisle? Such
a cliché.  

 It's weird; the fact that I let Noel into my life, my
heart; simply because I was already a mess, and I didn't
need someone as complicated as Noel to ruffle it up a little
bit more. He swept me off my feet, with all of his weirdness
and awkward nature, and I don't think I had any other
choice. His imperfections were his virtues. I didn't need
some perfect guy in a suit, driving a BMW and working on
Wall Street. I never wanted someone who'd bring me flowers
on exactly the right occasions, or make me breakfast in bed
from time to time. I liked the stubble on his rigid face, or
that he sometimes didn't say hello. I liked that he was a
little overweight and that books were his best friends. It
was nice that he wasn't the social type, so we stayed at
home many nights. Sometimes he wasn't even nice to me, but I
still adored him, as only I can. Most of our time together
was spent having deep intellectual conversations, but we
also had quiet days, when neither one of us needed to speak;
because we both knew that simply being together is enough.
We would make love quietly, looking into each other's eyes,
and afterwards he would fall asleep in my arms, breathing
heavily as always. When I was cranky or a little stressed
all I needed was to listen to him breathing. It felt like
floating in the ocean, when your body becomes one with the
rhythm of the waves. Our life together was calm and normal,
and we treasured it.
 All of these emotions and thoughts only grew stronger
after Noel had died. The driver that took his life came once
to see me. I couldn't bear to even look him in the eyes. Not
out of anger, but out of shame. I was ashamed that he had
more control over Noel's life than I had. Yes, I was self
absorbed but couldn't care less. I figured I had the right
to act that way, since I'd lost the most important thing.
No, that wouldn't even cut it- I'd lost the essence of my
life, the one thing that was worth getting up for in the
morning. Whenever I saw a movie in which a loved one had
died and the woman would mourn for him, I tried to imagine
what it would be like to lose Noel. Of course tears would
well up in my eyes immediately, though I had no idea; after
Noel had died, air was becoming difficult to inhale. I would
have small heart attacks whenever I stumbled upon one of his
notes or clothes, my chest would ache and I'd lose any
capability of staying conscious. Two years had gone by, two
years through which I wasn't alive. I walked the streets
dead and invisible. Maybe I wasn't, but it had come clear to
me that there was no other way to live since I'd known that
no one would ever love me as much as Noel had.


 How do you know? How do you recognize the day that would
change your life? Can you wake up in the morning and smell
it? Feel it approaching? For me it was another miserable
day, another day which would pass me by, as though I'd never
woken up. When I'll get to the office, people will once
again look at me and feel the thing that could only be
described as pity.
 But I was terribly mistaken to have lost all hope. From
knowing Noel, I should've known that nothing is ever over.
When times seem to end they actually continue, in the effect
that they leave on people. Noel was exactly like that- it
may seem like he died, but his effect would carry on and
materialize physically.
  I was heading back to the office, after having lunch at
the Deli across the street. Again I wandered, as if floating
above the ground, not touching the earth, not touching
reality. But I took it too far and suddenly I heard the horn
of a car and a screeching sound. You wouldn't be able to
imagine that moment. A moment which you had been dreaming
about relentlessly, holding on to every fiber of that
fantasy. That moment that you dream about becomes the
objective of your life, though it is very frustrating
because you know that moment will never come true. Really, I
am not able to describe you that exact moment as it comes to
life, without any warning, smacking the air out of your
lungs.
 A pair of familiar arms, though ones that I haven't felt
for a long time, grabbed me strongly and flew with me
towards the curb. I was dumbfounded by what just happened
that the experience left nearly no energy for me to cope
with my next shock.
 Next to me, lying and looking very hurt, was his body. Not
his corpse, but his body. His tanned arms and nutty hair,
and all that surrounded me was his smell; a smell that I've
been longing to be basking in, a pleasure for the nose; a
smell that was not only appealing and sweet, but also
brought up feelings and memories. Noel stared at me, at
first a little struck by what had just happened, and then
his lips transformed into that compassionate smile that I
admired so.
 "Are you O.K.?" he asked, as though he didn't know me.
"Noel..." I could barely utter a word, "It's
you..no...there's no way..yet, it is you!" Instinctively I
grabbed hold of him, afraid that he would disappear if I
didn't take the chance and then I wouldn't be able to hug
him ever again. Unexpectedly Noel pulled me away gently and
asked, trying to be as polite as he can, "Do I know you?"
This felt weird- how come Noel was asking me if I knew him.
Couldn't he see it's me? "What do you mean?" I said
confused. What was he trying to do? Maybe he didn't die
after all and only faked his death in order to get away from
me? Why was the disoriented look on his face so genuine and
real that it almost seemed like he really didn't know me?
What was going on? At first I was offended. If he hadn't
died, it meant that he only wanted to escape my suffocating
loving arms. It was too hurtful. What was I supposed to say?
I couldn't say anything, and the tears came out before I
could stop them. It seemed almost like a dream, it was
really hard to believe Noel was actually standing there in
front of me. What with him not recognizing me, I started to
think this was a dream, or a hallucination of some sick
kind. There I was, looking at the man who had just saved my
life for the second time, and my heart was bursting inside
me.
 As he saw the tears he suddenly looked scared. "Do you
feel O.K.? Do you need a doctor?" Still I said nothing.
Chills were running up and down my body, trying to shake me
back into reality. My vision became blurry and I wasn't able
to focus on anything. We stood there for a minute or so, a
crowd gathering around us. "Listen, I'm going to give you my
number", he said, probably sick of the awkwardness, "if you
feel the need- just call."
 I went back to the office after I watched him stumble away
from me, unsure of what had just happened to him. That night
it seemed like all the noise in the world settled around my
bedroom, keeping me awake and shaken. "Was it you Noel?"


 A month had passed and still I couldn't process the day of
the near-accident. All I could remember was the way Noel's
face looked so confused and uncertain and the phone number
he gave me before we parted. Even though I continued to be
completely in the dark about the whole incident, I decided
to make a move only because all I wanted to see, feel,
smell, hear and taste again was Noel. Meeting with him
might've given me that chance.
 So, I did call, and we did meet. But our encounter was not
what I had expected, not in the least. We met for coffee at
a corner café, and I waited for him, trembling all
over, craving to get a glance at him again. When he sat down
across from me, I was once more having difficulty to speak.
"How have you been? I was a bit concerned about you that day
and you hadn't called. Is everything O.K.?" my vision was
getting all blurry again, but this time I was able to focus.
I focused only on Noel. "You know something? I don't even
know your name." Suddenly I could see clearly again. What
was he saying? Of course he knew my name. How could he have
forgotten? "You know my name," I said, half crying half
laughing, "It's Casey!" He still looked lost. "Noel, what's
got into you?" Finally his face showed some other kind of
emotion- surprise. "Noel?" he said chuckling, "My name isn't
Noel, It's Carl." Something was wrong, and I lost the will
to find it.
 He showed me his ID, without me asking for it. He seemed
almost too eager to prove that he is most definitely not
Noel. For the next half hour Carl, whoever that may be, told
me about his life. He showed me a picture of his 3 year old
daughter and his beautiful redheaded wife. He gave me a full
detail of the time in his life when we were supposedly
together. There you go, I guess. No one could've made up
such a detailed story just to run from someone. I took a
long glance at his wife's picture. Maybe intentionally, I
was certain I spotted my nose, a hint of my eyes' shape and
maybe a little bit of my egg-shaped head. I was kidding
myself.


 Second chances don't come along so often, if at all. I
don't know god, don't even know if I believe there is one. I
can't presume to say that I was acquainted with the higher
power that controls this weird place we live in. Some may
say I'm crazy, but they can't ignore the facts. Nobody can
ignore them. Everything is self-evident whether we believe
it or not. Some things in life, should be trusted blindly;
like one's dreams, or an unrequited love, or just the fact
that you are created inside a person. Also, everybody knows
that the same person can't be born twice. That is, too,
self-evident. But like I said, you have to believe in some
things even if they don't make any sense, even if you can't
prove them. If you really want to try, go for it. You will
not succeed. I know, I've been there, it's exactly like what
happened with Noel and I. Eventually I believed in it, in
him, even though I couldn't prove any of it.
 I didn't care that Noel was in fact Carl; they were the
same person to me. Maybe I was delusional, so desperately
unhinged that I saw Noel in a stranger. But it didn't
matter. What I made out of the whole story is that even
after I had lost Noel, I didn't lose hope. I kept believing
that love was still out there. And it was, as it took the
form of Noel. Noel wasn't a person anymore, but rather the
essence of love, floating around in my world, making me know
that I will have another Noel, not exactly the same one but
much alike. After Carl, in fact, I did meet many more Noels,
and each time I did I just smiled to myself, knowing that
Noel is looking out for me.