Itzik and Shpitzik are two F.B.I. operatives, out the
Shreveport, Louisiana, headquarters. They are twin brothers,
and as their names suggest, they are of the Jewis persuasion
(I have circumnavigated the globe but have yet to construe
the circumstances in which a flea could be
circumcised).

They are generally involved in the rooting out of plots to
undermine the sovereignty of the Federal Government, and
evil schemes to endanger the American Way of Life (whatever
that meant for Aba (Father in Hebrew) who invented this
story). Their main foes are Criminals, Communists and Other
Lower-Slobovians (inhabitants of Lower-Slobovia, an
imaginary Soviet Satellite State, with a prophetic ring to
its name, in view of the now-fragmented ex-Soviet Union).

The acronym F.B.I. stands for Flea Bureau of
Investigation. Itzik and Shpitzik are fleas.

As befits two Nice Jewish Boys brought up in the 30's and
40's, Itzik n' Shpitzik are both settled down, happily
married to two Nice Jewish Girls, Rivka n' Shmivka,
respectively. Their wives are twin sisters as well, a
circumstance that keeps the whole gene pool nice and cozy
(here it is only fair to disclose that my father and his
brother, my Uncle Manny, also married two sisters). Each
couple, in the story, has a Nice Jewish Offspring, namely,
Berle n' Shmerle, respectively.

Their civilian rival (and sometimes ally) is a P.I. by the
name of Ol' Furshnushnik, who likes to sit around in his
office, with his feet up on his desk, snapping his
suspenders, pulling on a cheap smelly cigar (Fu Fu Fu Fu),
and self-extolling: "I'm a defective".

The first chapter of this saga finds our heroes lodged in
the ear of a distinguished World War II Pilot, "Buzz"
Burling, who is, himself, lodged in an Arabian-Nights type
castle (as the unsuspecting guest of the Sheik of Arabie).
How Buzz Burling arrived at the castle is to remain a
mystery. The same goes for Itzik n' Shpitzik's arrival at
their current lodgings although in retrospect, given the
poor hygienic circumstances of WWII, we may assume that they
had been there for quite a while.

Abuh (our childish pronunciation of Aba): "Well, Sir",
Dorit (7): "Well, Sir",
Amiel (myself) (5): "Well, Sir",
Aviva (2): "Well, Sir",
Dayday (1) (by proxy): "Well, Sir",
Mommy (grudgingly): "Well, sir",
Mickey (dog): "Woof, Woof (Well, Sir)"

"Buzz" is offered the honor of an audience with the Sheik.
Little does he know that a cunning trap is set for him:
There are two entrances to the king's throne. Guests who
exit via the same door through which they entered are
summarily executed. Itzik n' Shpitzik, having spent the
previous day in the ear of the wicked Sheik (presumably for
the change of scenery), whisper this terrible secret into
Buzz's ear, saving him from certain death. He exits by the
other door and is rewarded with diamonds and gold. I could
think of any number of traps more foolproof than this 50/50
setup and easier on the Royal Treasury too. Whatever.

"Well, Sir".

This "Well, Sir" business is a big deal with Abuh. Any
living (and some inanimate) being choosing not to answer
could seriously slow down the story line. Sometimes we would
have to fill in for the vocally/linguistically challenged,
as well as for conscientious-dissenters: For instance, after
Abuh n' Mommy would quarrel, Mommy would not answer The
Call, holding us all to ransom. "Sir" is another of his
favorites, as are Colonel (as in "Are you afraid Colonel
Lachover is going to waltz in our door and see me in my
underwear?"), "Uncle, "Aunt" and all such high tittles. On
the other hand he would use informal Middle-Eastern derived
appellations such as "Chaver" (Hebrew for Friend, as in
"Shalom, Chaver" which became popular the same year Abuh
died), or the formidable "Chaboobe" (applied to an
adversary, and meaning something between "Dear" and "Pal" or
"Buster", depending on intonation and body language).

Back to the story. As soon as the daring duo was presented
with a new Threat to Democracy, they would put on their
"Thinking Caps", and all problems would be "figured out"
logically. A thinking cap looks suspiciously like a Jewish
skull cap, a "yamukey".

Years later, with kids of my own, I tried to create a story
along similar lines, a pale imitation of the original. I was
vacationing in Italy, So I concocted the story of Caldo n'
Fredo, twin brothers. They solve problems and save deserving
souls from disaster using Caldo's supernatural resistance to
heat, and Fredo's same ability regarding cold. They are
married to two beautiful twin sisters who, a bit of comic
relief from the previous high tension, are unable to agree
on directions: Destra can only go right, Sinestra can only
go left. Caldo n' Fredo's father's name is Senso Unico and
he can never retrace his steps. Their mother's name is Aqua
Minerala. Their uncle, a retired hotelier, is named Zimmer
Mit Frushtuk.

I would envision Abuh recounting (and us kids listening),
surrounded by the settings and realities of that far away
time. This would somehow bring a whole colorful landscape
into view and would help the story find its winding path.

As my trip continued through Germany, the plot thickened.
Out of nowhere came the monster,
SHWARTZWALD-HOCHSHTRASSEE, a gigantic, black cross between
a mammoth and a lizard, as big as a house, brutal of
strength, fiery of breath, eyes that could literally freeze
any object (some kind of an ice ray, I think), and
brainless, to boot.
SHWARTZWALD-HOCHSHTRASSEE was a dangerous yet tragic
enemy: possessing no brain of his own, to speak of, he was
not malicious by nature, but was extremely impressionable,
an attribute quickly taken advantage of by other, more
cunning creatures. Enter ach!tung, the bat out of
hell, who took control of the feeble minded
SHWARTZWALD-HOCHSHTRASSEE. ach!tung's only
strength was in manipulating the weak. And so this perilous
pair could be seen gallivanting down country roads,
SHWARTZWALD-HOCHSHTRASSEE trundling heavily, shaking the
earth and leaving burnt uprooted trees and flattened large
blue animals in his wake, ach!tung all the while
hovering over him, like a black cape, concealing the sun,
seeking out new victims down the road and plotting a vicious
course of action.

"Well, Sir",
Dorit: "Well, Sir",
Amiel: "Well, Sir",
Aviva: "Well, Sir",
Dayday: "Well, Sir",
Pnina (another dog): "Arf, Arf (Well, Sir)",
Mommy (silent count of ten - 1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10 )
"Well, sir".

The dangers of such a weapon system, were not lost on Caldo
n' Fredo. They decided to perform an in depth research of
all aspects of the dastardly duo. They even delved into
personal histories and the folklore of far away countries
and ancient times. They found out, for instance, that
ach!tung had a deprived childhood, being
mistreated in foster homes and running away frequently, a
piece of information that greatly affected Caldo n' Fredos'
handling of the matter.

The possible benefits of such a team were not lost on Caldo
n' Fredo either. Instead of simply destroying the threat, it
was decided to find a way to "turn" (espionage jargon) the
beasts. For this purpose thinking caps (on loan from Itzik &
Shpitzik) were donned, carpets were frayed by endless
circular pacing (the sisters could participate on a
one-at-a-time basis only) and a secret plan was formed.

"Well, Sir",
Dorit: "Well, Sir",
Amiel: "Well, Sir",
Aviva: "Well, Sir",
Dayday: "Well, Sir",
Mommy ("What the hell, I'm curious"): "Well, sir",
Mazal (Yemenite house maid): "Hweele sere"

Coming down the road, the sight SHWARTZWALD-HOCHSHTRASSEE
caught was as follows: The two sisters, blindfolded,
gingerly walking away from him, each on an opposite (and
wrong) edge of the road, Destra on the left side, Sinestra
on the right. He lengthened his strides. As he drew near,
upon a signal from Caldo n' Fredo, the two sisters suddenly
removed their blindfolds, looked around, saw each other,
gasped at the horror of being on the wrong side and, as if
by reflex, darted toward each other, crossing over on the
middle of the road, and continued running, each to her
chosen (and opposite) direction. This posed the classical
dilemma for the weak minded: which one to follow. Not being
able to decide, SHWARTZWALD-HOCHSHTRASSEE grinded to a
halt, looking back and forth, from side to side,
metaphorically scratching his head. He was dumbfounded.

That's when Caldo n' Fredo stepped into the picture. They
advanced fearlessly on SHWARTZWALD-HOCHSHTRASSEE. As he
saw them approaching he released his fiery breath on them.
The distance was such that Caldo had just enough time to
step in front of Fredo and shield him from the powerful
flame. ach!tung screamed down at
SHWARTZWALD-HOCHSHTRASSEE: "Use zer Cold, you schvine-hunt
dumbkopf, kine nicht du see zey're fire-proof?" At these
words slow blue rays started emanating from the beasts eyes.
Now it was Fredo's turn to step in front of Caldo to shield
him. This confused both SHWARTZWALD-HOCHSHTRASSEE and
ach!tung. They tried alternating hot and cold but
to no avail. Caldo n' Fredo were just too fast for them.
Soon SHWARTZWALD-HOCHSHTRASSEE's inner fuel supply was
depleted and he sunk to the ground exhausted. Now came the
tricky part. Everything hinged on a delicate timing. The
campaign had to be completed by the time
SHWARTZWALD-HOCHSHTRASSEE got his second wind, otherwise
there was no telling what would happen!

As the beast sunk to the ground, the two brothers fell by
his sides in a faint. After a short while ach!tung
swept down to check on his friend. That was when the
brothers pounced on him and fitted ach!tung's head
with super-glue-wireless-earphones. They then let him go.

In the following days ach!tung was introduced to
classical music. He couldn't stand it. But try as he may, he
could not shake off the accursed earphones, so he waited
until SHWARTZWALD-HOCHSHTRASSEE regained his strength and
then went on with his business of destruction. Here he was
in for a surprise. An internal feedback circuit in the
earphones would feed the intensity of any pain, suffered by
ach!tung's victim, back into the amplification of
the volume of the music piped into the earphones, into
ach!tung's poor eardrums, nay, into his poor
brain. After a short period of experimentation
ach!tung got the whole picture. Eventually he
learned to enjoy classical music at its un-enhanced volume.
He took a particular liking to Bach. Still, sometimes
listening to Wagner he would tweak some poor frightened
animal's rump, just to get a few more decibels out off the
earphones (and maybe just for a bit of the good ol' feeling)
but his heart wasn't into it anymore. Which goes to show
that music hath the power to soothe the savage beast (a
misquotation, but how true, in this case).

In time SHWARTZWALD-HOCHSHTRASSEE n'ach!tung
became powerful allies of Caldo n' Fredo, taking part in
many an operation, including the well publicized "Underwater
Sting-ray Sting Caper", which I will recount just as soon as
you oblige me: "Well, Sir",
Dorit: "Well, Sir",
Amiel: "Well, Sir",
Aviva: "Well, Sir",
Dayday: "Well, Sir",
Mommy: