To those of you who don't know what role-playing games are:
Never mind, I don't want to talk to you anyway.

To those of you who do: This is a story out of an adventure
in a campaign I've been running for a few years now. If the
names and places seem strange and unfamiliar: good. My
players insist the story is good on it's own, so here it is.
Read it and weep.


Once upon a time, there lived a great and powerful wizard
named (awe filled pause) Thip. He was of no great stature,
or strength or appearance. Indeed, he was a halfling. And
not an impressive halfling at that. But he overcame his
small standing, and became one of the most fierce
adventurers Mezzet has seen.
One day, Thip was innocently scouting a site upon which to
conjure a tower, when he chanced upon the town center of the
northern city of Hal T'arna, beyond the Tirath rock desert.
The city used to have been a prosperous metropolis, but the
people all ran away, for the most horrible creature of the
northern wilderness has haunted their village.
The unspeakable nightmare, the destroyer of lands, the
harbinger of destruction, the all eating, ever hungry,
Bulette, the land shark.
"Well then, this is a fine place to erect a tower, isn't
it?" thought Thip.
So he
Casted and blasted,
and charmed and armed
and conjured and abjured
and invoked and evoked
And finally, a fine, white spindle of a tower stood a
hundred feet high. Thip immediately proceeded to move into
the tower.
Thip lived happily in the tower he conjured in the center of
Hal T'arna, for four days.
Then he got bored.
He decided to go for a walk around the tower grounds, to
look for something interesting. He opened the tower door,
(that was halfling size), and found himself looking at the
hungry maw of the Bulette. Luckily for Thip, the Bulette
couldn't insert his head through the small door, so it just
kept snarling and roaring at Thip. When Thip recovered his
senses, he remembered his profound herbalist skills, and
threw a large handful of Basil into the Bulette's nostrils,
to discourage it.
Immediately the land shark began sneezing and scoffing
horribly, deafening Thip and shattering windows for miles
around. Never in it's existence has the Bulette been thus
thwarted. It was now determined not to let this nibble of a
wizard escape him. It set itself to wait at the tower's
entrance, until Thip will have to come out to eat, or the
Bulette will drop dead itself.
This was unfortunate for Thip, since it is known that though
the Bulette is always hungry, and considers anything that
moves as a worthy meal, it can also go on without food for
months on end, if necessary.
Thip, being a member of the rash and unthinking race, hadn't
yet stocked his tower with food, and never bothered learning
any food conjuring spells, since he considered it a waste of
his time.
He hoped the Bulette will fall asleep, and he would be able
to sneak out, but he had no such luck. Whenever he looked
through the peephole in his door, the Bulette looked right
back at him, unflinchingly.
On the first day of imprisonment in his own tower, Thip
tried to summon a monster to his aid, to fight the Bulette.
So he
Casted and blasted,
and charmed and armed
and conjured and abjured
and invoked and evoked
and finally, a giant seven headed fire breathing (pause)
toad appeared from thin air.
"Get 'im!" said Thip. So the giant seven headed fire
breathing toad jumped on the Bulette and bit him with all
seven heads. But the magical toad's teeth, that could bite
through stone, could not bite through the Bulette's armored
hide, and the toad broke all the teeth in all of it's seven
heads. The Bullete did not take notice, and kept looking
unflinchingly at the tower door.
So the giant seven headed fire breathing toad breathed fire
on the Bullete with all seven heads. The Bulette did take
notice this time, and ate the giant seven headed fire
breathing toad with one bite, because it was very hungry,
and then turned back to guard the tower door.
On the second day of imprisonment, Thip decided to make bad
weather outside, so the Bulette will go away.
So he
Casted and blasted,
and charmed and armed
and conjured and abjured
and invoked and evoked
And finally, a thunderstorm began forming over the remains
of Hal T'arna. Rain fell in droplets big enough to fill
buckets. Thunder cracked loud enough to break the rest of
Hal T'arna's windows. Hale fell hard enough to flatten all
the houses made of wood and clay. Wind blew, hard enough to
lift the stones from the streets, and leave them bare.
Thip concentrated, and a blinding, enormous bolt of
lightning dropped from the heavens, and struck the Bulette's
backside.
The Bulette
Belled and yelled
fouled and howled
bellowed and mellowed
barked and harked
sored and roared
and danced around the tower seven times, each time jumping
higher and landing harder, until Thip couldn't even hear the
thunder over the crashes of the creature.
But when the storm ended, and the clouds dispersed, the
Bulette was still in his place, right outside the door,
staring unflinchingly at Thip through the peephole.
On the third day, Thip decided it was time to use his most
powerful spell.
So, without hesitation, he
Casted and blasted,
and charmed and armed
and conjured and abjured
and invoked and evoked
An then, finally, a large pumpkin appeared in his hands.
It's smell was extremely enticing, and Thip was after three
days of no eating and of spell casting, which always made
him hungry. But he knew better than to eat it.
He quickly ran to the door, and opened it.
The Bulette, which was VERY hungry by now, was sure Thip
couldn't take it any more, and was preparing to exit. Saliva
drooled in bucket loads from it's mouth, reminding Thip of
the thunderstorm. But Thip was not coming out.
Instead, he threw the pumpkin at the Bulette.
And then, knowing that time was short, he cried shortly
"take that!, ya stone skinned foul breathed jagged toothed
cross eyed hairless armadillo snap-turtle hybrid bastard!",
and ran all the way to the top floor of his seven floored
tower.
Meanwhile, the Bulette studied the pumpkin stupidly with his
large, pupil less eyes. He decided to treat it as Bulette
philosophy dictates concerning dangerous unfamiliar objects
(eat it), at which point the pumpkin exploded with such
great force the Bulette was hurled a hundred feet upwards in
the air, and far, far away, over the green hills and the
spill of the ocean. The blast made a big, round, bowl shaped
hole in the ground where the pumpkin and all the nice stone
buildings of Hal T'arna's center, those still standing after
the storm, used to be.
In the seventh story of his tower, Thip
Was rattled and was battled,
was thrown and was prone,
was knocked and was clocked,
was rolled and was lolled,
was banged and was hanged,
fell down the stairs,
in threes and in pairs,
And finally landed safely on a large sack of potatoes on the
floor in the cellar.
Thip exited the tower.
He climbed out of the hole, and walked to the end of town,
where he met all the people of Hal T'arna.
"I have banished the Bulette!" he said proudly.
Seeing they were not over whelmed with joy, he added "You
can now safely return to your homes!" with a further
encouraging smile.
Still, they didn't begin celebrating, but rather looked with
what could only be described as horror and shock-filled eyes
behind him at the barren wasteland that used to be their
home town.
"Oh, well, must be shock from the Bulette, I guess" thought
Thip, and continued on his journey.