I was banging the sidewalk of Avenue B, seeing those three
guys drinking Presidente beer by the curb. In my hand, I
held a shopping bag that was adorned with Wizard of Oz shoes
and a magic wand topped with a star. I never put makeup on
to cover my skin - I have such a good skin - but tonight I
did know that too much is never enough. I wanted more. I
wanted love and drugs and magic. I was a newborn, fit and
glowing in the dark. Jonas waved at me and I apologized for
keeping them waiting. My mother, a schizophrenic, never woke
us up for school and so I was traditionally late. I sat at
the front and asked the friendly driver to put KTU on, the
big 103.5. Life was like butter to me. I told some jokes and
one of Jonas's friends laughed - his name was Einar.
We went to Central Park and rented a carriage. Jonas offered
me X and I took it. It was red and from Tokyo. We also had
Champagne and grass. I tried them all and also the hard fish
they got from Iceland. I talked with Einar throughout the
entire ride while sitting next to Jonas. I had a blast. Then
the tour was over, and I offered all of them to come to my
apartment to watch the Japanese animation "Ghost in the
Shell." Einar toured my apartment. Jonas and I went to the
bathroom and did cocaine. I was a party girl and I was
beautiful. I was manic and in heaven. I know how to smile,
my mom taught me that. Einar came to see how Jonas and I
were doing. The movie was over and before they left I gave
both of Jonas's friends balloons with their faces on it.
Jonas slept on the couch.
Weeks later, I was dating Einar. He was a photographer. I
studied photography. It took me six dates to see his room
and to fall in love with him. I left him in the morning - it
was pouring rain - and I went to my friend John's house. I
felt happy but the socks Einar had given me because mine
weren't cool enough got wet and I threw them away. I came
back to my apartment and reviewed The New York Times help
wanted ads. I was looking for a job as Web designer, New
Media Developer or Imaging Technician - anything to pay my
rent. It was 1997 and it wasn't hard to pay my rent. Then I
felt sick. I made myself a bowl of popcorn and sat down to
watch the season-ending episode of "Beverly Hills 90210",
the one where Kelly was getting married. Einar called and
told me he slept all day long. He was not with me.
A few days afterwards, my friend Natalie invited me to a
bar, and I went with her. We tried some bars on Mercer
Street. In the last bar, there was this Swedish guy that
reminded me of Simon, the first guy I had head games with.
He was too tall and I did not like him. I felt suffocated. I
wanted to leave. It was crowded in the entrance, and I was
stuck in front of this guy who smiled at me. I smiled back.
I was wearing tiger print men's underwear on top of my
stocking and a short dress. I went over to his place and
watched the movie he had made. In the morning, he got us
breakfast and orange juice. We drank it in a wine glass,
which I broke with one careless twist of my elbow.
The next time I saw Einar he called at six in the morning
after Victoria and I were doing acid. I don't like this
drug. I like uppers but Victoria liked it a lot, and I
wanted to hang out with her. That night I was planning to
stay in to watch the Sesame Street episode on Jerusalem that
I rented from the public library, but Victoria called and we
went out. I was muscular and dressed to kill, and I felt so
tough. Einar came to my apartment as Victoria played for me
her new 80's CD with Boy George's song: "Do You Really Want
to Hurt Me?" He came and left his umbrella at my place.
Victoria left after I dressed her up in warm socks. She had
to go to her place around the corner from me and I wanted
her to stay warm. As I was dressing up Victoria, I saw
Einar's eyes in my back, reading my soul.
When we talked I told him about that guy. I tried to explain
to him. I told him that I went out to a bar and picked up a
guy but I did not sleep with him or kissed him. I told him
when I knew it was over: "I want you to hurt me as much as
you can." I wanted him to dump me and that I won't dump him.
I liked him so much.
Einar came once more and then called. "Orit, I think I have
a really big heart right now because I fell in love with
someone else." I cleaned behind the refrigerator and was
ready to forget all about him.
Two weeks later I was walking by Tompkins Square Park and I
felt him in my head. I continued walking, thinking to
myself, "Don't have a choice, stuff happened and if you want
to move forward you better move with what ever get stuck to
you." I smiled to myself. I felt him - he was in my brain
and he would not let go. I called him and for some manner of
caution, I told him I feel stuck. He asked me to move on.
I knew he couldn't forget me so I waited for him to come.
Every Saturday I came back home early to wait for him. My
happy face, it was terrible, the stars in my eyes faded. I
was sinking. Knowing he won't let go and wouldn't be with
me. Then one day I was working for my friend while listening
to the radio, and I heard this voice, hoarse and distorted,
asking me to put on Lite FM. I did and realized that the
love songs there were for me. A guy was standing near her
office and I knew Einar had sent him. I felt protected. I
was exercising with Lite FM on, and there were commercial
for men's tuxedo, for stuff I use, for Hebrew speaking
tutorials. I kept waiting for the meeting. I wanted a place,
time. I thought he moved next door or to the place across
the street where he can, with short-wave home equipment,
transmit to me. I went up to his place in Brooklyn and he
was still there. So I made him a present of a flower in a
perfume bottle and left it by his door. The morning after,
there was a bicycle, blue and white with a little basket
attached to it. I knew it was from him. The day Einar flew
to Iceland (he told me the date before we broke up), I went
and took a toy airplane that someone left by my door above
the mail boxes, burned the wing, and put it in the basket.
There were also presents for me in the days that followed. A
water bottle with the words Deer Park on it, which announced
that he wants to marry me, and other signs. I left him gifts
as well. Then he showed me that he can reach anywhere.
Garbage on the street became points of reference to his
great wisdom. To every job interview I went, he left me
reminders to his attention. I got caught up in my love
affair. He was everywhere, feeling with his yearning heart,
and the sensitivities I saw in his room, all of my private
thoughts. Me that always craved attention has found the one
for her. I just lacked intimacy and decided that he was a
stalker, who is too disturbed to act upon his real character
and can only perform in the shadows.
I wanted reality and was aching for it. One night, I stayed
outside staring at the window across from me and then came
home and slept in a fetal position on the floor with the
radio playing. I heard those words like a sword in my spine
- "wake up" - again and again on top of the sounds coming
from the radio. I knew it, I knew the bastred is talking to
me with his weird sound distorted from insecurity. I knew
it. I am going to make him come to me. I can reach him with
the purity of my heart, the tenderness of my soul. I started
to talk back. I showed him photos and I faked a striptease.
He was playing along really happy this time. He was sharp;
he was on top of the radio station. I woke up crying in my
heart, aching for release. I knew as I always knew that my
destiny in the result of love too big to be true, the love
of my parents.
I was working as a production artist using Photoshop when he
started to hear me all the time. I played my CDs in the
computer and he would listen to them. I liked him, and I use
to lecture him with songs. Until, one day, he passed an
electronic shock to my frontal lobes through my ears. I
stopped working and went to the window trying to recognize
his van from where he transmitted. Up to that moment, I
didn't think my private boyfriend could be a psychopath. I
did not like the idea. So I went and told him about Simon
who had a secret. It kind of bothered me that all of those
trucks that parked in front of my work were carrying secret
messages. Then one day the song of Sting "Fields of Gold"
was playing in the radio, and I realized he is just like my
boyfriend who thought I was a gold digger. I had to set
things straight. He had all this money to hire people with
flowers to stand all day in front of my building at work and
he is a dream come true and he is afraid because of it.
I decided to go and meet him. I went to his place in
Brooklyn. He was not home. I was sitting in the hallway when
the super of the building came to change the light bulb. I
told him I am waiting for them, and he told me they probably
slept late. I pushed the door open and nobody was there. I
went to his room where my heart got stepped on and his
beautiful room was ruined. It was all again filled with
messages for me. His barhopping T-shirt, the one with the
many circles with the optical pattern, was in the closet. I
climbed on the bed and tried to call my number. I left a
book there by Asimov that tells about this clown who
controls the world with a flute. I left.
We talked about it some more and he got demanding. I cannot
go out anymore - I need to run home to him. I bought a
Walkman to hear him while I am walking back from work.
Then I started to get invitations for my marriage to him.
Embossed with swans and not addressed to me. Not by name but
they were in my mailbox. I did not like him at that point,
but I felt stuck with him and, as if in the name of my
mother of the suffering, he was made for me. I got ready. I
said good-bye to my friends and set up to be a wife.
Then the hallucinations started. It was just like an
imagination that I used to dream about but never had. Some
porn and some just of the network. Like a penguin made of
photos, I was sliding through his eyes. I knew he can see
me, and I was looking for a way to filter the photos the
same way that I believe can be done when someone is next to
you. He was mine, those twilight of the brain of his, these
fire in the bones I always felt with Christians, I have seen
their temples and I know how much pain they carry. I wanted
to explain life to him. I wanted forever to ride with him.
He became my whole world. Then the "I love you" echoes
started. Those waves of sounds streamed from me anywhere I
went. I told him I would have to get a corner office for my
sounds. Then came the "Help," which reminded me of Seven the
movie I had seen in the theater by accident because I never
watch horror scenes. I went to Woodstock with some friends
and took with me the book I Never Promised You a Rose
Garden, which I had from Psychology class in the School of
Visual Arts. Then he went mad. He put the wood plate from
the movie and put it by the firehouse by my building. I got
so scared. I called my friend, who is also my ex-boyfriend
from Israel, and showed him all my souvenirs. He called him
and asked "Are you stalking her?" and he said I have a
girlfriend. I decided to go to the police. I told them, and
they said that if he got near you, we will get him a
restraining order against him. I want to the Israeli embassy
and they said fly to Israel. I knew that a week before when
I was in the super market that only Israelis values will set
him straight. So I called the police again, this time from
my friend's place that he has paid to scare me with gang
rape. He paid the pilot on the plane I flew, so I flied
Lufthansa.
I got to Israel looking skinny and with two backpacks filled
with clothes. I talked to my father, and I told him there
his something in my teeth that can broadcast. He told me
that my friends from New York called and that I was going to
see a psychiatrist. I knew the psychiatrist couldn't help,
so I refused. I went to do major dental work and the idiot
was shaking me on the chair. I also did an HIV test. My
father and I went to travel, and by an army station, he was
doing noises in my brain. I felt defeated. I found work this
time as a Web designer and again we talked in music.
One evening I was going to sleep feeling safe and secure in
my father's house when this noise came in my nose and a
sharp pain going down in my tooth. I went to the bathroom,
sat on the floor and started to cry. In the morning I was
ready to face the warning sign in my nose and told him,
"O.K. I am your pet, let's talk about you." I knew there is
a way out and that was to make him into the man I want.
I told him, you know when your mother had you, she got legs
full of veins and she had to worry for her husband's love to
her, and she couldn't love you as much. I was talking to
myself, but I hid it when people looked. I was used from New
York where I talked to my watch. Sometimes I let him move
me; sometimes he would bump me into the walls. Thinking
back, I think if this is the love affair I created alone so
what is life in a couple? Meanwhile, my father brought a
psychiatrist home and I told him I was always complex. I
thought I am in therapy and I could not explain to him that
he just loves me too much, that he wants to take over. Then
he started to write songs for me and then he made Being John
Malkovich. From a credit card he left in my apartment, I
knew his birthday and celebrated it by taking him to Athens
and standing on the Acropolis. I took many photos but none
of me. He controlled every person there. I had fun. On my
brother's birthday, I bought him a stereo. In my free time,
I was working in the garden and my father would keep buying
me flowers and plants. Then I got plenty of free time
because I got myself fired with thinking that he bought the
company I worked for and acting weird. It kept bothering me
that he can buy people in Israel to say stuff and even my
family. I screamed at my father for being bought, and he sat
there paralyzed. I could not look in his eyes. Then I
thought, what is the price of each one of them, and I
understood it might be fear. Then I knew he can just do it
and I asked him to show me. He made the brains of my entire
family appear in my brain with transparent outlines and I
did not want to go in. Then he showed me one photo in my
brain of an ex-boyfriend and a photo in his brain of a gold
holy grail and gold coins. We swapped brains, and he only
let me into the right side of his brain, but I knew I can
fix it up and I started to show him all of my secret ways in
my brain. One day I was on the balcony, and he showed me the
strings in the brain. He told me I had 11 but that he had
300, which are the major pathways that we created with work.
His brain was dusty, like opening up a corpse but he was so
huge. He told me he had buried his body parts in his
cerebellum and that there is a computer game he built, which
I needed to demolish in order to be with him. I was never
more ready. He told me of my entire ex-boyfriend in hell and
he told me he made Bjork with putting her in his brain. He
showed me her brain and her putting soap on her face in
front of the mirror. He told me there are those sharp knives
in his brain and he needed a happiness machine. He told me
in my processor in my brain, there is happiness that creates
a galactic power source. He told me he is stuck in a hotel
and trying to escape to meet me and that he runs in the
darkness. I made drawings. I talked and begged and faked
orgasms, and he was telling me there is big Einar, which is
helpless, and good and a small one he had created who
attacks. He told me about his lymph systems, personalities
and about his sperm. About a three headed person with a bent
back and his flesh his exploded that loves me dearly and is
waiting for me in a glass house by the beach.
One day after I'd only tasted his mouth eating pretzels, I
kissed him. I sat in front of the public library near my
house and felt a coned dried tong full of self-disgust
reaching toward me. I kissed it.
The streets were full with dead people for him and every
movement we made crowded the world to him with faded people.
He told me I climb on men's abilities and get as good as
they and then leave. I told him I want him but wasn't sure I
will stay with him after the children are grown.
I decided to go to New York as my green card was just about
to expire. I had left all my stuff there and, anyway, he
follows me wherever I go. My father raised his hands in a
giving-up motion and showed me love through his eyes. I did
not like it that in Ben Gurion airport, Einar was giving me
a stomachache. I came back with a hotel stay in Paris and
went to the Eiffel Tower afterwards telling good Einar about
what little one did to me in New York and Israel. I bought a
bra and some photos of Paris leaving faded people of me
talking in the street behind me.
My friend was in my apartment when I came back, but one
night I saw a young black kid rolling a ball down my spine
of my nerves and my pain. In white-yellow light of
hallucination, I saw the pain he can endure me. I never
liked pain. I knew my friend who slept with me in the same
bed would have to leave. I found a freelance job and, though
the Academy professor was trying to come on to me, and Einar
gave him a stomachache.
I found this freelance job with a Japanese artist, so Einar
then put my vagina on fire for liking Japanese. I felt as if
part of me was suffering trauma as I saw a white yellow
outline of me naked sitting with my legs folded to my chest.
I moved on. Which is exactly what Einar told me to do when I
called him after I found a new job. He told me to move on
through his cell phone, and I took the job as a new media
developer at a company where I met Adam. He was the best at
what I do, programming-wise, and looked like a wicked kid
who was six years old. In the conference room, I noticed his
voice was detached from his body and he was mature, manly
and beautiful. One day I told him in my new thoughts way
about my tail, and he asked me back. It was almost like
hearing thoughts aloud and he was the first person who
talked back to me. He said, "Would you like me to get rid of
him?" And I said, "He is in my heart." Meanwhile, everyone
at work learned to talk like that, and then I had a fight
with some people and they blew out my eye and made it all
red and then everyone in the street. In my language, in the
news they announced that there are street fights with brain
waves and people should go back in. Connie Chung of Channel
11 news become part of the Charlie Angels with Goldie Hawn
and Susan Sarandon. Everything made sense except why Einar
wouldn't meet me.
Adam and I started to have an affair. When he slept over for
the first time, Einar made me feel stuck between normal and
puke and I got so mad at him. Adam was a mind writer and he
showed me new ways to see in the brain. He showed me a
capsule of myself and he ran the marathon.
He became my boss and fired me after I felt everyone on my
floor plugged the entrance to my strip in my brain, which
was major for work. I was sensible and I told Adam that I
have to go home because of a stomachache but he fired me. He
called me right afterwards and we remain friends.
Then I met Noaz, who I knew from high school, and developed
a crush on him. He started to talk in the half-voice,
half-sight in my brain about him and me, and then about G-d.
I had not been a believer since I was fifteen, but what he
said made sense. He said that he is Abel and that he was a
monkey, which G-d developed. G-d was a monkey who had killed
his father with one brain stroke when he was born and did
not manage to preserve his mother, but he managed to live
6,000 years before the monkeys forced him into the
supernatural.
I did not feel obligated to Einar with Adam and Noaz. I fell
for other guys, but I will never forget the sheer fear when
Einar rolled my tong inwards in my father's house in Israel.
Or when he made people bump me on purpose on Tel Aviv's
streets. I was his for the taking but not for the making. I
will preserve my soul in a bad world. My energy is input.
The brain needs the eyes to wash old ideas and I needed
friends, but after such a long affair in brain waves, I
needed brain waves friends. Noaz become my new source of
inspiration. I liked his voice, a bit childlike like in a
whisper.
So G-d, the intelligent species, found some monkeys not to
be alone, maybe some monkeys from his numerous love affairs
and thought them superior. They were flying in the air with
the law of physics and kind of lived in heaven. There was a
couple of a brother and sister who were together and even
though he would sometimes drive her into a tree, she loved
him. They were Ami and Tammy, but actually a girl who I know
in her current reincarnation. There was my sister Michal in
this life who was actually a different from of biology that
she learned with the generations to like pain. There was my
other sister, Didi, who was an isolated monkey, very young
who was thinking that G-d should think in her brain and not
she in his. The monkeys were working in G-d's brain like a
"big brain" and he would give them assignments like
homework. They were developing biology.
My sister Didi who was working on the genes and discovered
that five in a row is actually six or at least with the
power of her conviction it was such, and she got G-d from
the back. My mother came to G-d and asked him what kind of
brain she got and he said, "a simple brain with an excellent
uterus" and then his gaze fixed upon a drop of wax on her
eyebrow's hair and he saw the limp system of the minus ape,
that beautiful ape that all the male monkeys wanted. He was
captured; they sat on his brain. The half-female and
half-male monkey, which was a housewife I knew, sat on top.
Ami and Tammy sat in his liver, and my mother sat in the
right side of his brain. The monkeys would not let him go.
They control his brain. They starve his female and then he
killed them, but they still sat in his brain. G-d did not
want to give a miraculous child he had invented, a child
sent to outer space which was I. G-d did not give me up.
In modern days, in my ear, he was telling me to slow down to
save my movements and actions to fit in. I did not like it.
One day there was a party of self-control, which was
electrified with my oldest sister, the first-born. All night
long I sat to pull everyone out of their bones and the Arabs
helped me. I saw in 3D little brains and, pointing with my
finger, I released them. The morning after, my father came
to New York from Israel. At first I wouldn't open the door
to him. Then he brought me some piece of hardware, and I was
sure that controlled he would pull my tooth out like what
happened to that girl from the Spice Girls, so I made him
sleep at a hotel.
What happened was that at the great time of Egypt, there was
this Prince Noor. He glued the super natural brain of G-d
apes and made it into artificial intelligence like a brain
on top of a brain that you can wear. And this horrible man
from London took it and made the holocaust and so many bad
things. The apes also made a mess before treating G-d people
as mortals. There was hell, and the minus girl thought that
suffering made people stronger so good brains were put in
hell for eternities. I stopped that when I was born. The
truth was that G-d made his apes think that was true, but he
took most of the people out.
I am very small in my brain but fast and I did a lot of good
with being born. My father's brain is like a brain brain,
but without any help. My mother fell in love with him, and
he is the one that brought me back from outer space. I was
the center of my universe. A mortal that proved herself then
there was the fire. I am living in a super apartment in my
building and the neighbor above me throws a cigarette to the
trashcan. That night G-d stopped talking to me. I saw
ambulances everywhere in the city and Noaz came back to tell
me about the surgery the network is doing in people's
brains. They would just kidnap you and cut your brain open
to channel other people through you if you were adored or
just got a specific brain. In Europe it is very common with
children.
I have been told that I am a network criminal for hearing
voices and that I am not suppose to see people or phone or
write e-mail. I did write one and I felt my rubber bands in
my head and back jumping, then I realized people can move me
from afar and tried not to go out. Then they told me not to
eat or take a shower and I refused, so they closed my ass.
That was scary, the wheel that went off track. Then they
told me to leave my apartment, to go and die on a piece of
cardboard somewhere, and I knew I had no choice. It was the
day my sister came for four days from London, and I threw
the milk away and my wallet and my keys into the East River
and, wearing a Pepsi logo that says Jesus, went to the
street. I went to 53rd and Lexington and then I was thirsty
so I went to Central Park to drink. I did not know if people
I see on the street were real or not. On the third day, I
stole a fruit from a Deli. On the fourth day I wanted a
shower so I went to my friend Yael's apartment in the Lower
East Side and she gave me money for the locksmith. She also
called my father and my sister from New Jersey, who came
with the police. They took me to Bellevue, and I was sure it
was to experiment on my brain. I did not tell them a thing
and they diagnosed me as depressed. I couldn't care less. I
wouldn't eat for three days and they put me on Boost. The
woman from Social Security who came to me was unreal. I
thought we were in the Matrix and all of us are thought fed.
I used to play with erasing my field of vision into pure
white, just eliminating the projections done by the network.
Then they put me on an anti-psychotic and I stopped hearing
voices. That was the beginning of my recovery from a
delusional world. I went as far as I could without dying. I
explored my unconsciousness. I always stay on medications.
Viva life.