Drinks flowed that night. Bottles and glasses clicked
together, sounding like the many echoes of joyful hearts,
and the roaring cry of "Happy new year!" thundered in
everyone's ears. I was sitting near a round bar table made
of some dark brown wood, opposite me sat my two best friends
for life eternal, Sean and Tanya. Sean was a tall man,
taller than both of us at 1.89 meters, with regular brown
eyes which looked like they never cared about anything, and
fashionably short-cropped blond hair. I met him first, and
when I did, we were both small trouble makers. Tanya is
shorter than Sean, but about a hair-breath taller than me.
We'll never know but that's probably because of how she
wears her smooth brown hair, along with a few streaming
hairlines over her dark blue, inspective blue eyes, in
essence, by the time she grew up into a young woman, men
were never absent at tailing her. We could not be separated
since the happy and worry-free age of seven, knowing each
other better than our parents did their own children.
Around the time we shared a junior-high classroom we decided
our gender differences could not be ignored forever, yet
decided it will remain completely platonic.

We've pulled through puberty, while other boys and girls
firstly thought the other gender was repulsive and
disgusting, then enchanting and luscious. Tanya Sean and I
remained a happy trio, lacking any romantic problems. Of
course, when we were alone, Sean and I admitted to each
other about fantasies and dreams about Tanya, she was always
a beautiful girl. Dutifully, we never took those seriously;
we would end up laughing about them with her when we were
sixteen, drunk and stupid. On several other occasions, more
than once so I don't make us sound completely pathetic, one
or more of us would find love interests in others, or others
in us.  In most cases, most traumatically, our circle would
'protect' us from the above, though, repelling outsiders.

Indeed, often our hearts were broken only later to be
revitalized by our long term and intimate comrades. From the
three of us, it never occurred that more than two were both
unhappy.

And then we grew up. Sean, the natural-cool-genius, had
received a scholarship in some big-shot university. Tanya
wanted to be a lawyer, and began some pre law degree studies
at the same institution. As for me, my ambitions were never
high. Writing was my passion, so I just followed them to the
same place, sweetening my parents' hearts into helping me
with the allowance for the important school. Tanya did that
as well. A year of studies, each to his own passed when
Sean's better physique won over, finding himself in bed with
Tanya after a casual lunch.

They fell for each other, claiming our eons-old pact didn't
matter because it was made by children and not adults, as if
we could be considered adults at the time, but I didn't hold
a grudge, really. For us, the joining of two parts of the
triangle made it a better shape, and although I often felt
like a fifth wheel, they have always remained my best
friends. They have no been together for two years at
graduation, which went along great, all three of us gaining
what we wanted. The next three passed fine as well, each of
us in their own line of work. At the seventh year of the
second millennium they announced their engagement to me
before announcing it to our outer circle of friends and
family.

I was thrilled for them, honestly, but after their happy
and passionate embrace I couldn't help stopping the
depression which came over me in one big wave. Tanya could
tell, and the instant Sean excused himself after breaking
their hug, Tanya let the question out. "You know what they
say about how you feel on the night of the New Year, don't
you, Paul?" She asked with a comforting smile and a soothing
touch of her palm on mine, "Why the long face?" My first
response was part apologetic part embarrassed smile. "Truth
is, Tanya, and I know this might hit you as a shock, I feel
sad because of you two". A long pause filled the air during
which she gave me that old inquisitive gaze. I think it was
the first time I recognized something in it, and it was
disbelief which gradually turned into apprehension, then
empathy. "Oh Paul", she shook her head slightly, "You didn't
really let us, your two mates, get to you that much, did
you? I mean", she broke off for a heartbeat, "You were
always so happy for us", my brain smiled when she didn't say
'thought you were', "No, no. Tanya", I hoped I was negating
any accusations she might have in her own head against me,
"You know I'm glad for you as if it was for me. It's just
this feeling of..." I broke off, and she nudged me to go on,
"Alone", I let it out.

In our times of higher education, Sean and I often talked
about what it would feel like ending up alone. Tanya was
always absent from these discussions. Sean, making me feel
like I was the one to whom these subjects really got to,
always joked off about the way it really was.
"I mean come on, look at you. You're definitely more
intelligent than me" I rolled my eyes at him, "You know what
I mean. Come on! Are you serious? Just last night you had
what seemed like a 10 hour chat with what's her face-"
"Jenny", "Jenny, yeah. Cute. Anyway, she seemed like she
enjoyed it". "We were talking about publishers. Her dad is
one, you do know that, right?" He nodded, "Well the flirt
only meant to get me to meet him through her. At first I
thought she was smart, she looks like she is, right?" He
nodded again, closing his eyes for emphasis, "Well guess
again. You and I don't know but she's trying for the
cheerleading team. And you know the situation of our
football team", I asked it more than said, just to make sure
I rolled my palm a little and he gave an amused snort. "And
she fits the stereotype perfectly. We ended up talking about
how some book her dad is currently considering really got to
her" He looked confused, "It's an autobiography by her
favorite singer". "Well you two sure had a lot to talk about
a celebrity!", "Yeah, I don't know how I managed to go on. I
felt like my head was sucking in pure air" I let that hang,
"You see? My demands are too high. There's no living person
who fits what I want in a woman". "Please, Paul, there's
someone for everyone". I was thanking whoever is listening
up above that he didn't say something like 'There are many
fish in the sea'. That would have only made me feel worse.
So he let off a slow shrug and in a bizarre way the
discussion turned into a silly series of laments by me.

There was another pause, and Tanya's face was now one of
apprehension. Some more silence, then she stuttered a
little, not knowing what to say. "You know I have had a real
spouse for over two years". I said it with what could only
be described as utter frustration and despair. I let myself
droop a little, while Tanya seemed troubled at something.
"Seeing you two together for so long has just made me
realize what I had not been taking parts in for a long
while". Tanya smiled helplessly and did not try to dissuade
me from the facts which she knew quite well. "It'll get
better. You'll go through it", she said after giving me a
comforting kiss and a compassionate look.

Forgive my goth moment, but winter started two months ago. I
have no one to cuddle with in the bed tonight, no one to
kiss at midnight who is not just a friend, no one to call
over the phone while I'm not in town to talk about silly
matters with.

Sean sat back down, and immediately seeing my depression
bought me a glass of whiskey, which was fine by me. We
parted on till dawn like the above mentioned dialogue never
took place; I'm not really a generally depressed guy. We
drank and danced and Sean 'let' me kiss Tanya at midnight
and had a general blast. Tanya drove me home quietly yet
without a gloomy air, as she was the one least drunk. I was
so stoned the cop's attention was swayed off her by me and
he let us off with a warning. When we got to my street and I
began getting out, she grabbed me by the hand, holding it on
her thigh, searching my eyes. She was so beautiful there. I
searched her back. We remained like that for a few
moments...

Nothing happened between us that night other than a good
night kiss between friends. I went up the stairs, went
inside and locked the door behind me. The air was a bit cold
and almost murky and I twisted my nose in annoyance. I
passed my writing desk, clattered with the work which will
one day make me famous, without looking at it. I took off my
shirt and pants, remained in my underwear and tucked myself
in. After a few moments I rolled into a more comfortable
position. I felt Claudia's hand softly lay on my bare back
but I did not move. I acted asleep as she was trying to
apologize physically.