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New Stage
חיפוש בבמה

שם משתמש או מספר
סיסמתך
[ אני רוצה משתמש! ]
[ איבדתי סיסמה ): ]


מדורי במה







יוני משעל
/ shards of lost times

"wanna smoke?"
"no thanks"
"so what were u saying?, oh yeah. was it for real?"
"yeah. but how should i know."
"sounds nice."
"yeah, it was an experience, as much as two nights in my
life can be for real", i added shortly.

sharon stood there for a while, there was a heavy silence. "
i'm not coming with you, sharon." i  finally said. she
smiled back at me and went to her room. "fine", she threw at
me from the other room loudly, "i'll have fun all by myself,
you go and do your thing."
i hate those parties. "you know i just don't like these
parties, i have to be nice to all those people i don't like"
i tried.
"o.k, bye now, i need to get ready"

"see you, dear". and i was out. damn. it was cold and i
wasn't properly dressed. spring started this week, and i was
fooled to think that it means warm nights.
what am i gonna do about sharon?
and this night won't lead me anywhere, i thought, as i made
my way shivering back home.

when i got home the phone rang.
i ignored it and heated up some water.
the phone rang again. someone who knows me. they won't give
up.
"hi"
"hi there." it was dafna, my boss.
"what's up?" i said in a tired voice.
"don't be so happy to hear me, honey. i just called to ask
if you are ready for tomorrow, there are still a few things
we need to arrange, and i wondered if you can help out."
tomorrow. oh shit. what else will happen today? i completely
forgot about it.
"sure, anything you need." i replied.
"great, so i'll mail you a list of equipment i couldn't get
hold of, and i don't have time to gather in the morning."
"no problem" i said. i heard dafna saying i'm a dear and
sweet, cute and what not. i wasn't listening.
this is horrible, but i can't say no. i did nothing about
this trip all week, and i would be a total asshole if i said
no now.

i sat down to think, with my head in my hands. the water
heated up. the water pot was  whistling in an annoying
sound. i got up and kicked the chair upside-down.
coffee. i need to calm down and warm up.  it's a cold night.


good thing i didn't go to that party, but then again, sharon
must hate me now. we are suppose to go out together, and
until now i always find something else to do when she wants
to take me out. - i can't think of this now. i have a two
week trip starting tomorrow, and i'm totally unprepared. i
have no film, my tripod is still in the repair shop, and
matan still has my tele lens. it was 9:34p.m. when dafna
called. i'm in a mess.

my cell phone rang. it was sharon. this must be good.
"hey sharon, how's the party?"
"i didn't go. i'm coming over"
"uhh, listen, u remember my trip tomorrow?"
"yeah, so? i'm coming over and you better be there when i
arrive. no jokes"
"fine, just leave the gun at home, right?" i said.
"that's not funny, and yup, you're in trouble."
"great, i'll be the guy under the kitchen table"
"what the hell is that sound?"
"the water pot"
she hung up.

i went to the kitchen and made myself some coffee. a cold
breeze came in through an open window in the living room. i
have a small apartment, and these things make all the
difference. in the fifteen minutes that passed until sharon
knocked on the door, i did nothing but sip my coffee and
stare at the weekend newspaper that still rested on the
table. i was cold from the breeze, and i wished that aliens
would abduct me.

sharon didn't wait for me to answer. she came in, leaving
the door wide open. she knows that drives me mad.        
"hey" she said.
i got up and gave her a big hug. we kissed and then she
shoved me back.
"this is where my plan ends" she said. "i knew i have to see
you after you left, i knew i had to come over, and that i
should be mad. but that's it. i don't know what to do now"

"so what's it all about?" i asked, as if i didn't know.
"we are going out for two months now; are you going to offer
me some coffee?"
"sure, there's some food in the fridge, too. so what about
it, two months?"
"yeah. two months. and then i realize that today was the
first time you said something true about yourself"
i was caught by  surprise. what does she mean? and nothing
about the party? about the trip?
"that story you told me before you left." she said, as she
moved to make herself something to drink. "that's why you
didn't go with me to the party. and that's why you're going
on that silly trip. they aren't even paying you well. i
never understood, i thought that's just who you are,
unpredictable."
"what are you trying to say, sharon" i said, but i had a
feeling i know where she's going with this.

"i'm trying to say that you're hiding. and until you stop,
you'll find any excuse to avoid being with me for real.
listen," she paused, "i want this to work out. i'm happy
with you." she smiled and came towards me. i almost grabbed
her. we hugged for a long time, and i felt warm inside. when
we were apart, i noticed she was crying. she smiled again,
and said "but that's not all."
"what?" i asked, not knowing what to expect.  there was a
weird tension in the air.
she stood there and looked at me, as if for the last time.
"what?, what?" i asked, and walked to the door to shut it.
she didn't turn around to face me, and i heard her saying
something softly. "i can't hear you,". now i was afraid. she
turned to me and there was a new look in her eyes.
"you have to make me a promise".
"what?", my voice was trembling.
"once you get there, you can't look for her, or call her up,
or anything."
"umm..." my head was spinning.
"wait. listen. if you do, just do yourself a favor and stay
there. not for me. for your own good. really."
"sharon, aren't  you taking this out of proportion? i told
you about this girl i met, but that's done a long time
ago."
"no, it's not. don't you get it? it's so simple. when you
talked about her, you were different. you had this look that
was far away, and i could see fire deep inside of you. you'd
go to any party with her. now don't get me wrong, i believe
you when your with me, but i know what she means to you,
maybe more than you would admit. so i need you to promise
me. lets make this work, we're good together."
i didn't know what to say.  
so i said i promise.

the whole meaning of the trip was seeing her. i had no
interest in taking photos of merchant ships around the
world. they all look the same to me. i just wanted a chance
to say hi. check up on her.
"thanks" sharon said. she sat down and took a long sip from
her cup.

the next morning i realized i forgot to look at the list
dafna emailed me last night. i had to prepare for two weeks
in three hours, say goodbye to sharon, and get things from
all over town while i'm at it. it was no fun, but at 12:00
sharp i made it to the dock.

dafna was waiting for me at the entrance. "good morning,"
she said, "did you get all those things i asked for?" she
stepped back, and examined me from top to bottom. "are you
fine? you look like a car hit you."
"i'm fine" was all i could say. dafna put her arm over my
shoulder and smiled. she closed her eyes, took a big breath
of sea air and said "this is going to be a great trip.
you'll see."  

we met the rest of the team at the ramp leading to the
ship. everybody knew each other, they were happy and exited.
i didn't like it, i wasn't in the mood for a two week party.
all i had on my mind was the promise i made to sharon, and
the girl at the other side of the ocean i left behind so
long ago. i felt something eating me slowly from the bottom
up.

the ship set sail at 3:00p.m., as planed. we spent the first
few hours on updates, briefings, and  going over equipment
and working process.
i've become 90 years older in the past 48 hours. i fell
asleep early that night, and woke up at the afternoon of the
next day. the crew had a party all night.

there was a message hanging on the door saying sharon called
last night. says hi.
a trey with some cold food laid at the side of my bed.
should i call sharon back? one day away, and i was feeling
guilt. as if i cheated on her. slowly i walked to the phone
cabin. sharon was happy to hear me, and a smile came to my
face for the first time since we set sail.
"sharon it's me" i said quietly, holding the phone with both
hands. i wanted her close to me.
"i know." she said laughing
"umm"
"tell me something, how are you? i miss you"
"i'm on a boat"
"yeah. are you fine? you're being weird"
this isn't going very well, i thought.
"sharon, i wish you could come along with me. i'm lost in
sea" my voice was dry. a big black hole was sucking me away
from the phone.
"from the way it sounds i'm not sure if i'd like to be
there." she became upset. "i don't know what you are going
through, and i'm here if you want to tell me, but we will
talk at another time. i gotta go. love you dear."

i went upstairs, where maya, dafna and roman, my team, were
catching some tan. i pulled a long plastic chair from a pile
and joined them. maybe i'll melt in the sun.
dafna turned to me. she moved a bunch of hair covering her
face, giving me a piercing gaze. she sat back. "you missed
the party" she said with her eyes closed. "story of my life"
i thought out loud, allowing myself to be carried away by
the slow conversation they all had.
nightfall came quick that day, as did the following few
days. we all made a habit of working in the morning and
sitting on deck for the rest of the day. i didn't speak to
sharon for that time and she didn't call me either.

on the morning of the fifth day, i had another note on my
door. i had a phone call. sharon? didn't say. maybe my
mother worried sick that a giant sea serpent ate my ship.
no, it was a she, but she wouldn't say a name. roman didn't
recognize her voice, but then again, he only met sharon
briefly.
i had no time to think about it, we met with our first oil
tanker. the boredom onboard enhanced our excitement, and we
all got to work immediately. we hit the merchant route. from
here on it was boat after boat, ship after ship, and
interviews with sailors of all shapes and colors. oh, and
photos of view from a ship. "how many times do i have to
take a photo of the sea? use the same one - no one will know
the difference!" i yelled at maya. "it's a matter of
journalist integrity". she said. a relaxed cruising start
became extreme tension work.

i called sharon on the morning of the seventh's day. i was
a nervous reck, she was extremely mad about me not calling
for so long.
"sharon, " i said.
"hi" she said in a hard tone. so much in one word.
"i dreamt about you all night. i had to talk to you"
"you're distant, and we haven't talked for a few days.
what's this about? should i just sit back and listen now?"
"yeah. i'm not in the mood for lectures, i just need you to
listen, ok?"
"sure. i'm here and pissed at you like hell. is that
sympathetic enough?"
"god! you know what?! forget it! can't you just be there
when i need you, for once?"
"i'm here all the time. it's you who's not. are you trying
to brake loose of this relationship and blame me for not
being there?"
"no, i'm trying to talk to you, and you're being mean. i'll
call you later."
"good" she said.
and at that day, we reached our destination. i was so
nervous i couldn't contain myself. maya was so mad at me for
my behavior, we almost had a fist fight on the way off the
ship. roman as usual cared about nothing, and dafna was
somehow still focused on our job. at this point, i almost
forgot what it was about. "tell me to shoot, i'll shoot." i
told maya. she went ballistic. "do us all a favor and shoot
yourself!" she said, and dafna gave her a look in replay.
"keep yourselves together, ok?" dafna said. roman looked at
us all and smiled as if this whole situation was his
planning, for his own sadistic pleasure. "i'm glad this is
all making you happy, roman!" i yelled at him. "what did i
do?!" he replied. "you're going crazy, do you know that?" he
said. i took a deep breath and stopped, putting my equipment
down. "you're right. i'm sorry, i shouldn't of yelled at
you. and maya - i'm sorry too. i just need some rest." dafna
smiled. "good" she said, adding, "that's exactly what i had
in mind, find a good pub and relax,".
roman came up to me, picked some of my stuff up, and
continued down the path along with dafna. maya and me walked
down slowly, exchanging faces on our way.

when we reached the hotel, roman said casually "maybe your
lady friend here could recommend us a place to hang out"
i froze in my place, as if a big dog is about to pounce at
me if i move. maya and dafna looked at each other, and then
at roman, then at me. there was a pause, roman became a
little pale, and said "did i say something wrong?" how did
he know? "what are you talking about?" i said through my
teeth. "umm... that woman who called on the phone, she said
she lives here. that's all. nevermind." roman forgot to
mention that before. could it be her? how? i had to think
fast before this turns into a situation. no reason for that.
"i lived here for some time, maybe someone who knows me, i
wouldn't know who, besides, i know some places myself. lets
go."

we went to a small place downtown, where they play latin
music and people pack the place until morning. it was hot
and crowded, but everybody had a good time. i got drunk.
then i told them about the girl i met when i lived here, she
lives nearby, i said. about our relationship. me and her
against the world. no, it wasn't for long, but i felt
stronger than i ever did before. then i cried. she somehow
knows i'm here. she called. i have to see her.

the next morning, i woke up early. i went out and caught a
cab. i couldn't remember the address, so i gave a general
direction. my hands shaked. my heart didn't stop beating,
despite my attempts to relax. i got off the cab and bought a
water bottle to calm down. i didn't expect to be so nervous.
i got up and walked towards her house. another apartment
building in the middle of the city. nice neighborhood.
walking up the stairs, pictures came back to me, words,
feelings. what happened here? why did i go? does she even
still live here? my thoughts where cut abruptly. there she
was, in a short white dress, cleaning the floor. her black
hair fell over her shoulder. i could just walk up to her and
kiss her neck, as if no time has passed.  i felt weak. i
guess she felt my presence, cause she stopped for a moment
and looked up. she gave me a short glance, then went back to
cleaning. it will take her a few seconds to recognize who
she saw, i thought. i turned around at once, and walked
downstairs. as i reached the front door, i heard her call
"hey! who is that?" i closed the door behind me, feeling her
voice like acid in my blood. this is what i came for, and
i'm running away. i don't even want to be here. i cant do
this. that's all. why did i come here?!

when i reached the hotel, dafna was sitting in the lobby,
drinking a tall glass of chocolate milk. "good morning to
you." she said. "a package came for you this morning, but
you weren't here, so they woke me up"
"sorry about that" i said.
"no problem, but i was worried about you. especially after
last night at the pub."
"i'm fine dafna. thanks. it's this place, it brings things
back, that's all. but i think i'm over it now."
"here" she said, and pushed her drink in my direction.
"chocolate makes everything better."
"i'm going to call sharon," i said.

i dialed the number slowly, feeling how much i miss her with
every number i pressed. she picked up the phone. she was
still sleeping.
"oh, i thought it might be you," she said in a sleepy voice.
i wish i could be there next to her, to hug her now.
"my sharon."
"yeah, i'm here. how are you? how's the job?"
"oh, it's fine. i just miss you so much. sharon, i wanted to
tell you i really love you."
"thanks honey. i hope i remember that when i wake up, so i
won't be so mad at you. why didn't you call earlier?"
"i felt like coming here is cheating on you. i couldn't call
you. but today i realized i only want to be with you, for
real"
"what happened?" there was a sudden alert in her voice.
"i went to see that girl, and all i felt was how much i
wanted you to be with me"
there was a short silence, then sharon said "you did
what?!"
"sharon, don't be mad. i had to, you see, she knew i'm here
somehow. i never even..."
"you broke your promise! i don't care what she knew!" she
cut in, "what were you thinking?"
"i thought we are all grown people, and i had to resolve
this issue"
"no!" she said, now completely awake. "you went across the
ocean to meet your idle of love, but when you found it, you
saw that if you touch it, it will stop being idle. that's
not being a grown person. god! you're so stupid! and so am i
for not seeing what's going on, or denying what i see!"
"sharon, i had to. i had to see her, don't you understand? i
needed to know if i feel anything. so i can be true to
myself and to you"
"true?! is this some kind of bad joke? did you sleep with
her too? just to know if i'm better, you know, to be true to
yourself when you're with me?"
"sharon, don't do this. i'm being honest with you."
"no. you broke your promise, and that's as far as honesty
goes for me. listen, i love you, and this is hard for me to
say, but just don't come back. ok? i don't trust you, and
you made a fool out of me. damn! i should of known, that
night before you left"
sharon... i'm sorry, but i had to. i'm sorry you're taking
it this way. i didn't even talk to her, i just saw her, and
then i knew i want to be with you, that i can't give up what
we have"
"you had to do what you had to, and i have to do what i have
to. i'm braking up with you. you can't do these kind of
things. don't put your relationship to a test. you just
don't do that. tests come up alone, you don't have to force
them on a good relationship. what happened? was it going to
well? you felt like fucking up something beautiful?"
"i can't talk to you like this. we'll talk when i get back,
ok?"
"no, and please don't come back. i am so mad. why did you
have to go?!"
she hung up.

i felt empty inside. all i could think of is how me and
sharon met. i took a class with her in "urban thought" that
focused on architecture and design. she was part of a group
that organized people to create artwork on the front of
their buildings. i thought it's cool, so i joined as their
photographer. we did allot of projects together, working
really well as a team. she is always smiling and always
thinking. and beautiful too. i loved the fact she doesn't
take shit from no one. i didn't think i'll have to stand up
against her that way.

back in the lobby, i finished dafna's drink, along with a
shot of whisky. i took a cigarette from someone and sucked
it dry in two minutes. i was on fire, the world was black.
dafna was speaking to me, asking what happened. maya and
roman showed up at some point and joined us. this isn't
fair, i thought. even maya said that sharon is being
impossible. roman tried to be nice. he sat across the table
and took pictures of me crying.

the next morning we got back to the ship, and started
heading back.
something came to mind. the package from the past day, at
the hotel. i forgot about that. i asked dafna, and she said
" yeah, it came with this message" she handed me a small
piece of paper, folded tight. i opened it carefully. it
read:" i'm sending this perfume with you for your mom, she
called me and asked for it. i tried getting hold of you, but
you are probably busy. much love, your aunt, nurit. i hope
this package reaches you." when i finished reading, dafna
told me she has the package in her room. i couldn't care
less. "the crew is having a party downstairs," i said, "come
on, lets go."







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לשלוח את היצירה למישהו להדפיס את היצירה
היצירה לעיל הנה בדיונית וכל קשר בינה ובין
המציאות הנו מקרי בהחלט. אין צוות האתר ו/או
הנהלת האתר אחראים לנזק, אבדן, אי נוחות, עגמת
נפש וכיו''ב תוצאות, ישירות או עקיפות, שייגרמו
לך או לכל צד שלישי בשל מסרים שיפורסמו
ביצירות, שהנם באחריות היוצר בלבד.
מה, כאלו כל
סלוגן
שאני אכתוב פה,
או סתם כל זבל
יכנס לפה?

(אולי)


תרומה לבמה




בבמה מאז 1/7/05 19:22
האתר מכיל תכנים שיתכנו כבלתי הולמים או בלתי חינוכיים לאנשים מסויימים.
אין הנהלת האתר אחראית לכל נזק העלול להגרם כתוצאה מחשיפה לתכנים אלו.
אחריות זו מוטלת על יוצרי התכנים. הגיל המומלץ לגלישה באתר הינו מעל ל-18.
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