The endless cacophony induced by the herd of cars was almost
deafening. Driven by the noise of the tires rubbing like
wildfire against the road, each car darted before her eyes
and before she could even take a breath it was gone. White,
blue, big or small, there were so many of them flying
through that it was simply hypnotizing. Her eyes panned down
locking on her right foot as it stepped down and onto the
road, followed by her left one. She closed her eyes hard,
dug her teeth deeply into her bottom lip, and dove into the
sea of smog. Her feet lead her forward with her mind,
sidetracked by the noise, trying to catch up with them. A
screech, and a scream, and a long loud cry of the horn
echoed through the air. The overwhelming intensity of the
noise made her eyes reflexively open and be face to face
with the beastly vehicle inches away from her feet that made
her feel so small and helpless. She looked up at the bald
head that emerged from the car window.

"Jesus Christ! Get out of the road! Are you trying to get
yourself killed?!" he screamed her way. She could see the
terror glimmering in his eyes. She knew how to recognize
that terror very well. Standing there frozen, she wasn't
sure of what to do. Another honking introduced another yell.
"Hey did you hear me? I said get out of the road!" Silently
and mechanically her body moved forward, as if being
magnetically pulled to obey the man's command. Zoe stood by
the roadside watching the cars passing by once like before.
The words of the big man echoed in her mind. "Are you trying
to get yourself killed?" If only he knew...

The flaming sun hit the back of her neck, slowly scorching
her pale skin. She ran her sweaty fingers through her messy
short blonde hair and let out a soft sigh. The sidewalk
looked so long and so meaningless, much like her life. She
was so weak and so, so tired of everything. Her black tank
soaked the sunrays, drawing heat to her small bony body. The
wet drops of sweat on her back served as an adhesive and
glued the fabric to her. Zoe looked at her hands. They were
shaking. Her knees were barely holding her weight, and she
made step by step just waiting to collapse on the burning
asphalt. She wanted it to end so badly- the pain, the
frustration, the fears, and if not any of those then her
life. She felt like nothing mattered anymore, or rather
mattered so much it didn't matter at all. They say that pain
is blinding, and so you either stumble around in the
darkness trying to find your way or just stop reaching out.
After bumping into too many obstacles and getting hurt one
time too many, her small hands have become too black and
blue to continue reaching. She was ready to give up.

The young woman walked into the dark stairway, standing for
a minute to catch her breath as her hands grabbed the rail
for support. She winced, aching from the harsh sunburn that
ate through her skin. It seemed like there was barely a
breath to catch. She was even too tired and lacking of
energy to breath. Zoe gathered up all of her remaining
strength and began climbing the stairs. By the second
flight, she felt she was going to fall back any second now.
But, at last she reached the thin door. Her arm lifted in a
weak attempt to knock, but it swung open before her fist hit
the dark wood.

"I thought I heard someone,"  a smile spread across his
face. He rested his hand on the back of her neck, but she
jumped at the pain and pulled back. His eyes fell on the red
mark he had touched only seconds earlier and he grimaced. "
Ouch...you better take better care of that beautiful skin of
yours,"  he winked. His hand moved down, the other joining
the first, and rubbed her under-defined hips. She looked
like a child next to his large masculine body. His lips
closed in on hers and he kissed her softly, tasting the
salty flavor of sweat on her face. "Come in," he pushed her
back forward gently.

He didn't know. He couldn't have known. She was so scared to
share anything with him, much less something like this. He
had so much on his mind already, that being a burden was the
last thing she wanted. Besides, she knew he was too good for
her and she awoke every morning waiting for him to find that
out. Anything of this sort would just encourage him to leave
her and she couldn't bare being alone- not now anyway. But,
although he was the only thing she had left, the only thing
that still mattered, he wasn't enough to keep her hanging
on, to keep her living. She knew that in the long run she
was only trouble for him and it best be she end it now.
Sure, he would grieve a little for a while, but then miss
perfect would come along and make him forget all of his
problems. She'll be strong, and brave unlike her. She'll be
everything he wanted, everything he needed and she will be
his happiness just like he was Zoe's.

"You look beautiful," he whispered, smiling again. Her eyes
caught a peek of her reflection in the dark TV screen. It
was such a lie. She looked like an absolute mess. Her eyes
were decorated with dark rings under them and her ruffled
hair was a disaster. In fact, although the white of her face
was interrupted by red blots of heat from the sun, she
looked like a walking skeleton. Teddy was too nice to her.
He'd never tell her the truth. Still, it didn't matter for
she knew it all quite well. "Give me a minute to finish
getting ready okay?" she heard his rugged low voice that she
always found so sexy. She didn't look up at him, but
continued staring into the off television. Look at yourself,
she thought with disgust and disdain. Her reflection made
her sick to her stomach. What was she doing here? She was
making a mockery of herself as well as him. Her beady blue
eyes began to water up. Everyone always thought her eyes
were brown, probably because she didn't have enough presence
to demand any real attention. But nevertheless, they were
blue. Blue, always suited her. She soaked her eyes in her
arms for after all she couldn't let him see her cry.

Outside, a group of laughing children filled the street. Zoe
got up and walked out to the balcony. The cool wind blowing
in her face was a nice contra to the heat, and it felt so
freeing. She looked down at the kids and envied them so
much. She couldn't remember the last time she laughed, or
even smiled whole-heatedly. Teddy wouldn't have noticed, but
it's not his fault, it wasn't his job to notice. How she
missed laughing. She closed her eyes and just listened to
the laughter. It felt like knives cutting right through her
heart. She wished she could laugh but there was simply
nothing to laugh about. Her feet stepped up to the edge of
the balcony, hands on the rail. Looking down the street
didn't seem so far, but she knew this was her chance to end
it all. She knew after this there would be no more tears.
Dead people don't feel pain. There was a strange sensation
in her fingers, a tingling of a sort. She let go of the rail
one finger at a time. Finally she was free, inches away from
bare nothingness. She felt so weak that it was almost like
any blow of the wind at that moment would knock her off.

Suddenly she felt a large warm hand grabbing her wrist. It
was so strong and quick that she nearly tripped. "Zoe, what
are you doing?" She looked behind her to see not so
surprisingly, Teddy. "Get down from there," he pulled her
towards him. "Come on we're going to be late, the bank
closes at 2." She didn't know whether she should be sad or
happy about his obliviousness. But, she wouldn't have been
satisfied either way. Had he realized what was happening
under her nose, the guilt would eat her up. He doesn't
deserve the anguish she could cause him if he found out.
Still, she needed attention so bad. She needed pity; she
needed sympathy; she needed him. He should've just let her
die. That's all she really wanted. She felt nauseous. God
was teasing her. Why won't he just let her die?

The car ride was awkward. She spent the entire time staring
out the window, getting lost in all the life in front of her
that she couldn't embrace. Teddy on the other hand rambled
on. At first she tried to listen but eventually the words
lost all meaning. It sounded like he was just making
incoherent noises and they got lost somewhere in her
subconscious, her mind drifting elsewhere. It was so hot out
that she could almost see the heat. There were worlds
between the two and the 15 minutes seemed like hours inside
the generic white Toyota. His engine was fueled along with
the car. When it sped up, so did his rate of words, and when
it stopped for a stoplight he took a breath. Not that it
mattered to Zoe who was being devoured by melancholia, but
he didn't come to a halt until the car did.

"I'm going to make a short stop at the drug store..."
mumbled Zoe as he made his way towards the bank. "I'll be
right back."

"Okay, I'll start waiting in line," he kissed her lovingly
on the forehead. Every time he did that another part of her
inside died. How could she ever let him down? How could she
ever hurt him? How could she ever leave him? How could she
not?

Ding, called out the bell as she pushed forward the glass
door and brought her back to reality, or as back to reality
as was possible with her. She wandered around the aisles
without an apparent reason, even though she knew exactly
what she was looking for. Parts of her were afraid to buy
it, and the other parts were just stalling. She dragged
herself on like a sack of potatoes, barely able to move. She
felt so heavy and yet so powerless. She was in so much pain
that she couldn't even remember how or when it all started.
Did it even start or was it always there? She was just a
bottomless pit of sorrow and anguish and the more she
wallowed in it the worse it got. From here it would never
get better .

Her hands landed on a large box of Tylenol. She took it
hesitantly up to the counter. "Wow, that's quite an amount
of pills you got there. You must have a lot of pain to
relieve," joked the cashier.

"As a matter of fact I do," she stumbled on her words. She
did have a lot of pain to relieve, and it was time she
relieved it.

"Will that be all?"

"Yes." The yes sounded so uncertain, but she never was sure
of herself about anything.

"8.99$ please." As Zoe reached for her wallet her eyes found
a ring on the cashier's finger. It was beautiful. She wished
Teddy could love her that much. Alas he couldn't. Sometimes,
it looked like he thought he did but he was so naïve,
and he wanted to love her that much. He wanted to love her
even more. If only he knew no one could love her that much.
Not as long as she wouldn't let them. She paid and stuffed
the purchase into her purse. She didn't want him to see it.
What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

The door to the bank was heavier than the door to the
pharmacy. She barely could get it to open, but it opened,
and closed, and then her eyes closed. At first she didn't
know what had happened. She fell to the ground, her purse
falling beside her. Her guts were oozing blood. Her vision
was blurry but enough to catch a glimpse of what would be
her last picture. There were a group of people lying faced
down on the floor, above them towering two big guys with
guns and a bag of money. Teddy, no longer afraid for his own
life ran towards her frantically and grabbed her hand. He
squeezed her hand as tears dropped down his cheek like
rainfall. She could see the terror glimmering in his eyes.
She knew how to recognize that terror very well. Everything
happened so fast, too fast.

"Don't leave me Zoe!" his shaking voice pleaded with her. It
was too late. Her eyes slowly closed as she touched his face
softly. Before it all went away she looked at him and
mouthed the only words she could, the only words she could
think of with her eyes watering up for the last time.

"I don't want to die..."