Here I am, 31 yrs of age, and my thoughts wonder. I'm
thinking of my loneliness. I think about my lack of ability
to sustain a long, lasting, loving relationship with a man,
and it bothers me. What am I gonna do? Every time I come
around a guy it ends up that we never see each other again,
or we end up having sex that night. And it doesn't seem to
end. I go through long periods of either sexoholism or
chastity. Each time I come close to someone, I start to
question myself: am I worthy of his attention? Am I really
what he wants, or is he gonna look away the second some
other girl will come across the scene? And million other
questions rise up their ugly head. And every time my answer
is: go eat. And I turn to food, and start thinking how fat I
am. And a vicious circle begins: after I eat I have validity
to my guilt, so I eat again. And so on and so forth. And I
ask myself, when will I kick my eating disorder in the ass,
and say: not one more day! I will n o t agree to this, not
one more day!
But as of today, I can't find the courage and strength to do
so.
And so it goes on.