There is mayhem inside of me.
It won't sit still.
Like a hermit in his eternal solitude, I feel so alone and
so sad.
I don't think you have noticed that, because when I'm with
you I put on my happy face. My mask, my illusion, my
facade.
I don't want you to know because I'm afraid that if you know
what is going on in me you'll think I'm a little child,
naive and quite hasty when it comes to love.
Sometimes I just can't help myself and I tell you how I miss
you when we're apart, how I long to be with you and that I
love you, but every time you turn it into some joke and if
I'm not laughing about it with you, you wonder where is my
sense of humor.
Don't you realize? To me it is not funny.
Don't get me wrong- I love joking with you and we laugh at
the same thing, which is great, but to me this subject is
not a joke and I'm tired pretending it is.
I guess I also fear of your response when you finally are
serious about it, but I prefer to get a straight answer,
whatever it may be, I believe I will be able to handle
that.
I know I place my happiness in your hands by saying these
things, and I know I can be badly burned as a result but I
trust myself enough to say that. I trust myself enough to be
sure that I can handle with your answer, whatever it will
be.
This solitude... it's like an inferno. It's so painful and
dark.
I try not to dwell on that too much but it has been going on
for too long now. I want an answer. I need an answer.
This inferno is getting too hot.
Please believe me. I am not exaggerating- this is how I
really feel.
I could just leave it and enjoy the nice, risk free,
careless relationship that we have but I need to be told
that I am loved.  I need to feel that I mean something, to
you.
Especially to you.
Because it's you I love.