When the little one looked out of the window of his room, he
couldn't believe what he was seeing.
Have you ever looked out through the window only to have
seen what you have never expected to? That image is easy to
remember. That nice day you were having - the kids didn't
yell at each other and gave you some peace and quiet, the
wife made a delicious Sunday lunch and was being her
adorable self, the neighbors didn't make a sound, which
followed from the simple fact that they weren't there. The
day was just perfect - you hardly could remember a day
better than that one.
And suddenly, when you expect it the least, it is ruined.
You tell yourself that it is just your luck, that it always
happens to you, that each time you are happy, fate has some
dirty trick up her sleeve. But that doesn't make you feel
any better. Regardless of the indifferent way you act, you
are still annoyed as hell. You don't get the chance to have
a nice day too often, and on this rare occasion you do, it
is ruined.
You try to look for a reason. Even though you do not believe
in Him, you curse God in words that would have made you
blush if said out loud. Every person you see now makes you
even angrier - your kids no longer look sweet, and your wife
hardly makes you horny now.
You close your eyes and try to focus your anger. If I were
you, I'd imagine a big yellow flame and see all the thoughts
I have disappear into it. It is my way to disperse bad
feelings. If you haven't tried it, please do - it might make
the anger subside a little.
Nevertheless, in a case like this, the anger fails to go
away. You try to get rid of it in any way you can, but it
simply wouldn't go. It just stays there like an inoperable
malignant tumor in your brain two days before you are
supposed to die from it.
Your life doesn't feel right anymore. You feel something
different - something strange has happened. The emptiness
inside your chest appears again. You feel as if something is
eating you up from the inside of your soul. It feels like
all the happiness and peace of mind you have just seeps out
of you, or that some black nothingness drains you from it.
You don't feel a thing. You sense your body as something
foreign. Your soul is getting far away from you. You stop
and see yourself as if from without - you look at a strange
person sitting there on the sofa, near the window.
The emptiness inside you grows heavier by the minute. You do
not know how to get rid of it. You don't even try. You can't
form a coherent thought - all you can think of is that
emptiness - that nothingness which fills your heart.
Life stops for you. You only wish that the hole opened in
your heart would close. Sleep enters your mind as a solution
to the emptiness.
You sit like that for a while, until the self-imposed
tiredness gets hold of you and you go to your bed "to sleep
it off".
Closing your eyes, you enter that inner world of your soul
again. You think of what you saw, and again the only way to
get rid of it is to imagine that yellow all-consuming flame
of yours. This time, it doesn't go away at all.
The yellow flame devours every thought you come up with. It
gets bigger and bigger until you can hardly hold it in your
mind. The magic of the fire mesmerizes you. You hope that
finally it is over. But no - the flame implodes and you see
it again.
You don't know what to do. The tiredness of your body keeps
you hoping that sleep would come, but still, until it comes,
the emptiness will remain. You try to think of other
things.
That time you read the leaflet about meditation make you
think of a new solution. Each thought coming into your mind
- you ride it. You do not try to stop it, you only let it
flow ahead and relax. The only problem is that each new
thought, each new path you take - leads you back to the
window. You can't let it go.
You feel sick.
The feeling of emptiness is somehow more controllable now.
You fear that somehow you're getting used to it. The feeling
stays as sharp as ever - it is only you that change. Your
senses dull. You can no longer see your self - you are
covered by a dense sickly fog. You are another man again.
Each time it happens, you become more and more like stone.
These experiences leave your mind blunt - new feelings don't
come so easy now. Your heart has taken steps to protect
itself from future attacks. You no longer can feel the way
you felt before.
That window is in your view again. You cannot loose that
image. It haunts you. You hope that the approaching
protecting cover of sleep will dissipate the image.
The emptiness is... there. Your body feels drained. Your
mind feels beaten. Your heart feels transformed.
You know that the next time won't be so hard - you get used
to it. The first time it happened you couldn't help but cry
- this time it is really not so bad and you can handle it.
Sleep will come and it will go away. You will wake up and
look at the world through new lenses and life will seem
beautiful once more. The only problem is that you don't know
when you will see it again. You have no idea how it will hit
you the next time, and so you wait. You live and wait.
Just like that little one who is crying beside me now. He
looked at it for the first time.