Our meeting was scheduled to Thursday night. At first, I
asked to have it on Friday morning, but Megatron said
they're planning to raid the Autobots base at dawn, so the
date was already booked. I immediately agreed to compromise
on Thursday. After all, it's not every day you get to have
an interview with the Decepticons' leader.          


  It wasn't easy driving him to have it in the first place.
He thought it was about an Autobots' scheme to destroy the
Decepticons' base. But after I convinced him that some
"global exposure" would benefit the Decepticons' PR, he
softened up a bit.


  We agreed to meet in the Decepticons base, to have a
one-on-one interview. I was expected with a "warm welcome" -
Soundwave checked just about every hole in my body and in my
clothing, and he wouldn't allow me in with a tape recorder.
"Sorry." He said. "The only one rolling film here is me,
base policy." I had to stick to my good old pen and
notebook.


  The Decepticons aren't a very guest-welcoming people. No
one's offered me any tea or coffee, although I politely
refused a cup of motor oil. After all of the inspections and
checkups have been completed, I finally got to meet him in
person. A 30 feet gray steel monster, weighing
god-knows-how-many tons. Somehow I expected he'd be taller.
He was sitting on a pretty large chair in the middle of his
(what seems to be like) thrown room. "Sit down, human." He
said with a voice that made the entire chamber tremble. I
did. "So," he started again "what shall we talk about?" and
from that point on, this is how the interview went on:


E!-Entertainment Channel: Good day, Megatron. I take it we
have about two-hours or so for this interview.


Megatron: Yes, yes. Get on with it.


E!: The Decepticons seem to be loosing against the Autobots
in about every opportunity. Our viewers would really be
interested in knowing what drives you to continue fighting
them despite that fact?


MT: You fool... The Decepticons have never lost! It was all
a part of a bigger, much more elaborate ploy I invented
to crush the damned Autobots, once and for all! And
then, when that will happen, I, Megatron the
magnificent, will RULE the universe!


E!: Yes, let's talk a little bit about your
cosmic-domination ambitions.


MT: Shoot.


E!: Crushing the Autobots and controlling Earth is one
thing, but don't you think that controlling the entire
universe, at least at this point of your evolution, is a bit
far-fetched? What if there are some other, more powerful
life forms out there that for them the Decepticons are
nothing but a bug to step on? It seems like you're treating
the Autobots as the final frontier between you and the
stars.


MT: Well, this isn't exactly accurate. You see, after we
crush the Autobots, which, by the way, is going to happen
tomorrow at dawn - oh, I've got to tell you about it. First,
we create a diversion around the Autobots base, then kidnap
some....


E!: Yeah, yeah, 'course you are. Let's, hmm... go back to my
question.


MT: Oh, yeah, alright. Our am... MY ambitions, first
apply to returning to Cybertron, then building a new base of
operations in there and then taking over the universe.


E!: I've noticed you're using a lot of First Person in this
interview. Does that mean you take responsibility for all
your failures against the Autobots?


MT: No, that's usually Starscream's fault. That asshole
never does what I tell him to. He still doesn't get the idea
that I am the Decepticons' leader. I, Megatron the
magnifi...


E!: Hmm... yes. Speaking of leaders, you seem to have
something personal against Optimus Prime, leader of the
Autobots. Would you care to comment on that?


-At the moment I said the words 'Optimus Prime', I could
have sworn I saw Megatron's eyes glowing red. I've also
heard his hand-cannon charging up, which made me get a bit
sweaty, and looking around for the nearest escape hatch,
just-in-case.-


MT: The moment I get my hands on that wretched motherf...
Well, I'll tell you the real story, but you have to keep it
off your interview, or I'd hunt you down and kill you. Some
4 million years ago, when we were still on Cybertron,
Optimus Prime and I weren't such sworn enemies. Actually, we
even got along pretty well. It was back in Robots High
school, we were in the 10th grade. We had two separate...
you know, peer groups, that later became the Decepticons and
the Autobots. We were kind of rivals, but not really at each
other's throats, you know, just doing stuff to impress the
female bots. One day, Prime got too far in that game. I was
standing in the school yard, you know, before a FootBot
practice, I was the captain back then [official records
state that Optimus Prime was the captain of the FootBot high
school team - E!]. I was talking to a girl I really had a
crush on, you know, when I was thinking 'bout her my eyes
got glowing and oil was coming out of my, hmm... hand-cannon
and stuff. Anyway, I was talking to her, and that son of a
bitch sneaks up behind me and gives me a wedgey! A goddamn
WEDGEY! Do you have any idea how much a metal-underwear
wedgey hurts?! I was super-pissed! I couldn't sit properly
for two fucking weeks, I had to bring a pillow. And you know
how humiliating it is, to have a WEDGEY in front of the girl
you're trying to impress? And by that fuck-head, Prime?
Naturally, I could never face her anymore. Man, I'll never
forgive him for that. That is why the Decepticons must
destroy the Autobots, once and for all! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAH!


-Megatron asked me to keep this piece of interview to
myself. Obviously, the guy has a thing or two to learn about
show business, such as there's no such a thing as an
"Interviewer-interviewed confidentiality" policy-


E!: I was wandering, if it's not too much to ask, could we
have a few words with several of the other Decepticons?


MT: You mean, like a PANEL!?


E!: Hmmm..... y...yeah?


MT: Oh, sure, that's no problem. I'll get Starscream and
Soundwave. Is that enough?


E!: Yes, of course, that will be great.


-Megatron gets up from his chair and heads for the door.
When it opens up, he puts his head through it and gives out
a great yell: "Soundwave! Starscream! Get your crummy metal
asses in hear, now!" The two robots come up 5 seconds later.
"Did you summon us, Megatron?" says Soundwave "No, I was
practicing an Italian ARIA! Of course I summoned you, fools!
Now sit down and answer this guy's questions!"

"Why do we have to answer to a human, Megatron? Are you
switching sides?" says Starscream with an annoying voice.
Megatron slaps him in the face and points the other two
chairs next to his. The two sit down with grim faces. "Fire
away" Megatron says to me.-


E!: The first question is to you, Soundwave. Our viewers
would be most interested of knowing, how is it that you
transform into a much smaller object than your original
form.


Soundwave: You're pulling my leg here. There's no way any
viewer would care for such a detail, especially when there
are dozens of other scientific inconsistencies in the show
and especially when the guy sitting next to me transforms
himself to a gun. A GUN! Can you get any lower than that?


MT: Watch your mouth, Soundwave. Don't forget someone's got
to do bathroom duty today, and it sure ain't gonna be me!


SW: Yeah, yeah, whatever you say...


E!: Right, than let's move on to my second question to you,
Soundwave. The whole world is using DVD's and microchips for
recording purposes, yet you still seem to be using outdated
recording tape. Haven't the Decepticons come up with a
better invention by now?


SW: Basically, you're right. But you have to understand we
started out in the '80, we couldn't show a DVD back then, no
one would have known what the hell was that spinning disc
doing. So we decided to camouflage it for the viewers with
the visage of a tape, and then it just stayed up as my call
sign ever since. But let me have you on a little secret -
I've got a brand new Flash Card player/recorder underneath
my chest for the past few years...


E!: Okay. The next question is to you, Starscream. Everyone
knows you hate Megatron and you want to undermine his
authority and take over the Decepticons' leadership. You had
so many chances when he transformed into a gun and you could
simply throw him into a lake or whatever. Why are you so
hesitant to act?


Starscream: I'm not hesitant, just waiting for the right
moment. Everyone also knows that Megatron needs me and that
he couldn't move an inch without me. All I need to do, is to
find a possibility to prove the other Decepticons I'm
the true leader, and that I should be the one to replace
Megatron!


SW: Yeah, like that's ever gonna happen...


SS: You know, why won't you pull your lip over your head,
and swallow, huh? Do us all a favor!


SW: I don't have lips, you moron! Haven't you
noticed I've been talking through a voice synthesizer
(which, by the way, I stole from Stephan Hawking) for the
past eon?


SS: Oh, is that why you sound like a rape victim on '60
Minutes'? 'I couldn't
shake him off, he was on top of me, shoving his pen...'


MT: Would you idiots knock it off? You're giving me bad
publicity!


SS: You couldn't possibly have any more bad publicity,
Megatron! The whole universe wants you dead, including some
people in this room!


MT: You wanna take it outside? You wanna piece of me?! Come
on, you little shit, let's get this over with, I'm sick of
your fucking presence anyway!


-At this point, I took advantage of the fact no one was
looking at my direction and split. If there's one thing I've
learned from this interview, it's that when a bunch of angry
transformers are doing their dirty laundry, you do not want
to get in the middle. Let's roll out!-