Josh,

sadness came upon me today, not that it's not a well known
feeling... I don't know what to do and how to fight this
sadness becuase it takes all the energies away from me,
saying that makes me feel like crying, and that trigers the
thought that I have depression.  I feel like doing nothing,
the only thing I can stand it being here online, but I am
not suppose to do that, that cost money (Have you noitced
how everything comes to money somehow somewhen? It's
terrible, I think it's a cruel invention) and also I have
things to do for my school, and that's another thing I don't
like. it seems like the western everyday life is doing many
tasks. If you have many tasks to do every day you supposedly
a mature person. I hate it, hate all of this - how this
"system" works, how people thought life should perform. and
I keep thinking, is there another way? and if there is,
could I ever release my fears and ditached from all that
familiar. I feel like I am fighting a monster. and you are
the only person who identifies with that, I think. it makes
me wonder whatever the solution for me is suicide becuase if
this world doesn't feet me... but, it is still just a
wonder, and I still (amazing how) have hope for a diffrent
life. I was talking today with my lecturer about my seminar
in psychology and we were talking about couples, and he was
saying that people change, he was talking about how lifes
changes , how you start to have all kinds of
responsibilities (meaning more tasks) Mortgage, children,
work, all those little tasks. it's like Bacteria for me and
it makes me want to preserve my self from work, children,
mortgage, I start to realize what's an adult life in avarge
and I am terrified. life is bad for me today what will be
when i will have all these responsibilities and I could not
sit infront of the computer all day long and be depressed, I
will have to function and than life would be a big task in
itself.
I have no one but you, and I don't even know if I have you,
I am terrified. I lose people so easly... I don't know what
will happen if I will lose you... I have this block in my
throat that chokes me, I have this block in my life that
stalls me. will I ever break free? what am I fighting for?
is this fighting worth anything? is my misery worth
anything? what's the price of misery? i want to hold on to
you and not finish this letter, becuase when I will finish
it I will be alone again. I hate that, I am always alone and
I am sick of that.