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FADE IN:
EXT. DELICATESSEN.-- DAY
Dan Sherman ( 52 ) stands on the sidewalk.
From time to
time he goes to the delicatessen and looks
in. Marsha
Arnolds ( 46 ) walks by him. She stops and
comes back.
MARSHA
Excuse me.
DAN
What?
MARSHA
You're Dan?
DAN
Yeah.
MARSHA
I'm Marsha. Marsha Arnolds. We met
at Lance's party.
DAN
Oh.
MARSHA
Bet a good look at my legs'll bring
back your memory. Lucky your wife
was busy elsewhere.What's her
name?
DAN
Helen.
MARSHA
She looked like a Paula. I always
try to match people with names
that suit them.
Marsha points to the store.
MARSHA (CONT'D)
She in there?
DAN
Yeah.
MARSHA
What she getting?
DAN
Don't know. It's for the party.
MARSHA
You having a party?
DAN
Sort of. Gerald Golden'll be
there.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2.
MARSHA
You know GiGi?
DAN
Used to be Helen's friend when he
still called himself Bradford
Grubman.
MARSHA
You're a good husband Dan.
Entertaining your wife's ex
boyfriend.
DAN
He wasn't her boyfriend. Just a
friend. Besides it was a long time
ago.
MARSHA
There is never old times when it
comes to ex - boyfriends.
DAN
There is nothing between them.
MARSHA
Now. Who knows what'll happen at
the party.
DAN
Come on Marsha.
MARSHA
They'll start talking about old
days, laughing at the good time
they had. Paula...
DAN
Helen.
MARSHA
Do you mind if I call her Paula?
DAN
No but...
MARSHA
Ok. Well Paula will start
remembering the fun they had , how
they enjoyed each other, smoked
grass, fucked...
DAN
They didn't. Fuck I mean.
MARSHA
She told you that? Ask him.
(beat)
Anyway she'll look at you and think
" Why the hell did I marry this
guy... when were you married Dan?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.
DAN
The party tomorrow is a 10 years
anniversary.
MARSHA
Anyway she think " If I had so
much fun with GiGi why the fuck
did I marry Dan ". I'm not saying
how you look and how you're as a
husband but after all we're talking
here GiGi the greatest entertainer
on TV.
DAN
You're wrong. Helen won't.
MARSHA
What makes you so sure?
DAN
They split because he played a
dirty trick on her. His car broke
down on the way to Vegas and he
left her standing there while he
hitched a ride.
MARSHA
When was that?
DAN
12 years ago.
MARSHA
She probably forgot and forgave.
After all you did invite him to
your party.
DAN
She did.
MARSHA
See ?
DAN
Helen is not the forgiven kind.
MARSHA
Come on Dan. Paula is a woman and
all women fall over GiGi. Some say
that even when he goes to pee there
is a woman there to hold his you
know what.
DAN
Just rumors. No woman would do
that.
MARSHA
Women suck so why wouldn't they
hold it ? Maybe Paula...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4.
DAN
She doesn't.
Marsha laughs. People passing by look at
her.
DAN (CONT'D)
What's the joke Marsha?
MARSHA
Married men never know.
DAN
Helen wouldn't go with Gigi into
our bathroom. Even if he paid her.
MARSHA
He never pays for holding his you
know what.
(beat)
Now there is that party of yours.
Let say you sit there talking to
Jack...
DAN
I don't know a Jack.
MARSHA
OK. Then it's a Steve. Anyway you
talk to him and then you look for
Paula and she isn't there. GiGi
is gone too. You got this sinking
feeling in your guts. You go the
bathroom and the door is locked.
You hear laughs and you could swear
Paula is there with him. What you
going to do Dan?
DAN
I'll knock on the door and tell
whoever is in there to come out
because other people want in.
MARSHA
What if the door doesn't open?
DAN
I'll break it down.
MARSHA
And then everyone'll come looking
and they'll see both of them in
there with Paula holding his you
know what.
DAN
Then I'll wait by the bathroom's
door waiting for them to come out.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.
MARSHA
Suppose you were eating when you
went looking for them. You wait
for the door to open and then they
come out with him zipping up his
pants.
DAN
The bastard. I'll knock him down.
Right there.
MARSHA
Good thinking Dan. But because
you've eating you still carry a
plate and a knife.
(beat)
You are crazy with jealousy so you
bring up the knife and you stab
him.
DAN
I wouldn't.
MARSHA
You can never tell beforehand.
I've seen stranger thing happen.
(beat)
You stab him and even if he isn't
dead you go to jail and Paula is
free to...
DAN
To what?
MARSHA
Just a wild thought. Forget it.
DAN
Come on Marsha. What was it?
MARSHA
Maybe Paula aiming to get rid of
you this way. She's going to use
GiGi to put you away.
(beat)
Whose idea was it to invite GiGi?
DAN
Paula's... I mean Helen.
MARSHA
Maybe her lover...
DAN
She doesn't have one.
MARSHA
Yes she does. A young one. Probably
30. You go to a country club?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.
DAN
Yes. Paula... Helen learns to play
tennis.
MARSHA
It's her tennis teacher. He...
DAN
Her tennis teacher is a woman.
MARSHA
Don't tell me Paula is lesbian?
(beat)
No. don't think so. So her lover
could be the teacher's husband. He
puts her to it. Smart. Real smart.
Makes you jealous by inviting GiGi
and going to the bathroom with
him. No one'll suspect.
DAN
Why would Paula... Helen want to
get rid of me?
MARSHA
Who the hell gives a shit why? A
woman needs that after being
married
to the same guy for 10 years. She
heard him sneeze, yawn,cough, belch
and snore God knows ho many times.
She picked up hundreds of shorts
and socks in the bathroom, she
watched him pick his nose and the
hairs in his ears...
DAN
OK. I got the message.
(beat)
Maybe GiGi won't show up after
all. Something might come up
between today and tomorrow. He's a
TV personality.
MARSHA
But you can't count on that can
you Dan?
DAN
No. I'll ask Paula... Helen to
tell him that the party is off.
MARSHA
No good. No one calls off an
anniversary party unless one of
the couple is dead or divorced.
Kelly did when she found Freddie
on top of Nate a day before.
DAN
Who the hell is Freddie?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.
MARSHA
Never mind.
(beat)
Wait. I think I got it.
DAN
What?
MARSHA
The perfect way to make sure that
Paula does not hold GiGi's you
know what you know where.
(beat)
This party of yours. How long is
it going to be ?
DAN
Paula figures on at least from 9
to 2 .
MARSHA
How many time in 5 hours a person
goes to the bathroom?
DAN
A man or a woman?
MARASHA
In your case a man.
DAN
It's not my case Marsha.
MARSHA
Let's say GiGi?
DAN
He's a TV person.
MARSHA
What's that got to do with a TV
person?
DAN
They train themselves to hold it
because they can't go to the
bathroom whenever they need to.
MARSHA
So GiGi can hold it for... let us
say 3 hours unless he got
gallbladder problems.
DAN
And if he doesn't drink too much.
MARSHA
Right. You can't watch him all
the time so you got to have someone
else in there to do it for you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.
DAN
Who?
MARSHA
Me.
Dan looks at her.
MARSHA (CONT'D)
What's the matter Dan?
DAN
Well I don't think you're on
Paula's
list.
MARSHA
I'm not?
DAN
No.
MARSHA
So you put me there.
(beat)
You got to.
DAN
I got to do nothing.
MARSHA
I'll be there just for GiGi. I'll
make him forget all about Paula.
He won't drink too much and I'll
hold his you know what when he
goes to the bathroom.
DAN
And if he goes twice?
MARSHA
For you I'll do it twice.
(beat)
I'll save your marriage.
DAN
You don't know me that well so why
do you care?
MARSHA
The way you looked at my legs at
Lance's party.
DAN
You liked that?
MARSHA
It gave me a hard on.
DAN
What?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.
MARSHA
It did.
DAN
You mean you're...
MARSHA
Right.
Helen Sherman ( 42 ) puts her head out of the
store. Looks
around and spots Dan and Marsha.
HELEN
Dan.
Dan turns his head.
DAN
Are you finished?
HELEN
I need you in here.
DAN
Coming Paula.
Marsha takes out a visit card. She gives it
to Dan.
MARSHA
Have Paula invite me.
DAN
I won't. Not now.
MARSHA
See you tomorrow night. Bye.
Marsha walks away. Dan looks after her.
HELEN
Dan.
Dan walks to the store. He enters.
INT. DELICATESSEN. DAY.
Helen stands by the cashier desk.
HELEN (CONT'D)
Who's Paula?
DAN
Paula?
HELEN
Yes. I called you and you said "
Coming Paula? "
DAN
Why would I call you Paula if
you're
Helen?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10.
HELEN
I heard you Dan. Was that her
name?
DAN
Who?
HELEN
That woman you were talking to
outside.
DAN
No. Her name was Marsha something.
HELEN
What did you want with her?
DAN
I didn't. She talked to me.
HELEN
Oh.
(beat)
What did she want this Marsha
something?
DAN
She said we met at Lance's party.
HELEN
She was there? How come you met
her and I didn't ?
DAN
It probably was when you didn't
feel so well and went to the
bathroom.
HELEN
Don't remind me.
DAN
But you asked...
HELEN
I know. What did the two of you
talk about?
DAN
The party. Ours.
HELEN
You didn't Dan. Please tell me you
didn't tell this woman about our
party?
DAN
Marsha.
HELEN
Did you tell her about the party?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11.
DAN
Didn't tell. Mentioned.
HELN
It's the same.
DAN
There's a difference. Tell is when
you make a point of something and
mention is by the way.
The woman in front of Helen moves away and
Helen begins to
put the products on the counter. Clair ( 55
a cashier)
begins to calculate the products.
CLAIR
He's right.
HELEN
Who the hell asked you?
(to Dan)
HELEN (CONT'D)
Does this woman know that we're
having a party tomorrow night?
DAN
Sort of.
HELEN
Give me a simple answer Dan.
DAN
Well yes.
HELEN
Did you invite her?
DAN
No. I told her you did all the
invitations.
HELEN
Sure I do and I'm not about to
invite someone we don't know. It's
an intimate party.
DAN
You call 50 people intimate?
HELEN
Close friends are intimate.
DAN
GiGi too?
HELEN
Who?
DAN
GiGi.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12.
HELEN
You know him.
DAN
If standing in his dressing room 5
years ago with hundred people and
shaking his hand once means knowing
the man then the answer is "yes"
HELEN
Come on Dan. You know who GiGi is.
DAN
I know who he was. Your boyfriend.
HELEN
Ex. So it's all about GiGi and me
12 years ago.
(beat)
You want to get even with me by
inviting this strange woman...
CLAIR
She isn't you know.
HELEN
We don't know her
(she looks at Clair's
name tag)
Clair.
(looks at Dan)
Unless he does.
DAN
I don't.
CLAIR
Relax honey. Marsha Arnold is a
guy.
DAN
I knew that.
CLAIR
He's a regular customer. So unless
your husband...
HELEN
(to Dan)
You knew and you let me go on
talking about her... him as a "
she "?
DAN
I was sure she... he was joking.
CLAIR
Don't feel bad about it. You're
not the first one to be fooled by
him. It takes a woman to spot a
man.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13.
DAN
I certainly would'nt want to see
him at our party.
HELEN
Me too.
(beat)
Hold it. Let's not be hasty.
DAN
What?
HELEN
Got me a fucking idea.
DAN
I know that look Helen. What're
you up to now ?
Helen smiles. |
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