Its been so many weekends now that i been telling you
"goodnight", untill the next weekend.
And you know, I thought I`d get used to it after a while:
meeting you ever week, spending time together, after missing
you all week, and spending time all week so the weekend will
come faster.
But its not like that, you know?
Every week I hope it will be easier, buts it not.
Every week, you stand by my car, after i kiss you one last
time through the window of my car, after I left the parking
lot.
And i know its time to go, so I hit the gas. I hit it hard
and fast to get away quickly. i run away, hoping it will
hurt less. but it doesnt! I drive away fast, accelrating
faster and faster.
and the road in front getting blurry. My eyes are wet. A
falling tear. I wipe it out. and i realise that i am running
away not from the pain, but from myself. from my other half,
which i just told goodnight. i realise just how fucking much
i love you. that you have my heart. and as further away I
go, I slow down, and i feel my heart beating. Slower and
stronger. and I see the road infront, and I know that i am
going to where and nothing fucking matters. where my life
are meaningless, beacuse the sanity, the meaning of my
life, i just drove away from! and I visuaulise what will
happen to me if I will miss that turn. If I hit that car
infront of me, and lose control. maybe, maybe then the pain
will go away...

I slow down a bit. let go of the gas, as the chocking car
breaths again after going so fast. 140... 130... I park the
car, turn off the engine, take a deep breath. and I know,
that I did lose control. that I did hit that wall, and died.
because i know, that every weekend, it doesnt get easier, i
know that every weekend when i see you again, my heart beats
once more. I breath. And I am revived to life again.
Because I love you. Because you have my heart. Because next
week, I will awake once more.

               To my dearest in the world, who`s now in the
army.