I hate my period. I received it two nights ago. As usual, it
decided to come to me only several hours before I woke up,
already making a messy and sticky red-brown stain. However,
I must say that I was surprised for the better when I
realized it had not had enough time to stain my bed sheets
as well.

Strange things happen to women while they're PMS'ing. Their
breasts itch, their butts grow, and they have these annoying
cramps right above the crotch-area, as they can usually feel
their wombs shrinking and stretching in a most painful
manner. Also woman also has a very special and very unique
strange thing that happens to her while she's on her period,
on which I will not really elaborate, but just show an
example of myself.

My personal special thing is my dreams. While I'm on my
period, they become even weirder, more surreal, and I
usually end up remembering them down to the last detail.
Usually the remembering part is rather fun, since the rest
of the month I forget what I dreamt about several minutes
after waking up.

Last night, while heavily bleeding all sorts of blood and
slime and these little brown-black thingies that unless
you've had your period or are a gynecologist, you have no
idea what they are; I had one of the weirdest dreams ever. I
dreamed that I was a man. And not just any man.

Last night I dreamed that I was a man who was having his
period. And it felt so real! I remembered rising from my
bed, and noticing the curly hair that had somehow appeared
on my chest and my stomach, the little beer belly (I don't
drink beer. Ever!), and of course, the penis. It was a
rather nice penis, circumcised, not too veiny, somewhere in
average size.

And there was another thing. I was bleeding. I recognized
the blood and slime and little brown-black thingies that had
spread all over my bed spread, my blanket, and (oh my god!)
my teddy!

Dramatic pause: Yes, even at the age of 18 I still sleep
with a teddy, which is actually a panda bear, and his name
is Mr. Hug, and I received for my 12th birthday, the year
all other girls ceased to sleep with stuffed animals and I
only began.

The first thing I did as a man was take a shower. Rinse all
the blood off. I was stunned to discover that cleaning the
pelvis area is slightly more difficult for a man than a
woman (or perhaps it was my lack of experience in being a
man). I watched the water flow down into the drain, blood
red at first, but slowly fading to pink, and then eventually
the water was clear again.

I stepped out of the shower and began my usual searches for
a towel. As luck would have it, the only towels in my closet
at the moment were the pink ones, which I absolutely hate,
and having a body all of the sudden, which mainly operated
on testosterone, only seemed to be making it worse.

When I pulled the towel from between my legs, I noticed that
instead of its sickening shade of pink, it had turned red in
most of its spots. Disgusted, I tossed it into the laundry
bin and looked down. It was as if I had taken no shower at
all. Time for investigation.

Using a whole bunch of three layered tissue paper, I began
to wipe, trying to find the source of the blood, the hole
through which it all came from. Naturally, the first place I
checked was the tip of my newly grown penis, but realizing
soon that it wasn't the jackpot, I had no other choice but
moving on, probing my asshole, thinking that might be it.
But it wasn't.

The real test came. The time to probe my finger into the
manly folds that hid between the crack that connected the
front genitalia and the back had arrived. I closed my eyes
and dipped my finger in, letting it swim between all the
icky stuff that had managed to pile up inside. It was icky.
It was worse than trying to stick a tampon. It was actually
gross! And the worst part about it was that I couldn't find
the hole through which everything was coming from!

Angry, I removed a box of tampons from its shelf, and with
my sticky hands, pulled one out. It was hard to get the
plastic wrap off, but somehow I managed doing so, already
staining the delicate thing as I did so. If my fingers could
not trace the hole, I'd be damned if the tampons failed as
well!

But they did. By now I was covered in blood up to my elbows,
the smell prickling at my nostrils, and I just wanted to
throw up. Even as a woman I had never encountered problems
such as THESE before.

And that was when I suddenly looked in the mirror. I had the
body of a man, but my own face. My own eyes, nose, hair... I
took a step back, my foot sliding over a small puddle of
gooey iciness. I lost my balance and fell, landing on my
left elbow and hitting my head against the cold and sticky
marble floor.

Then I woke up, realized I had a leak, that the sun was
shining, and that I had run out of clean underwear.

I hate having my period.