Ten degrees outside, and there was me sitting next to the
bar having a drink. Who had ever imagined finding me here;
the dodgy dive, that time of the night, the drinks, the
sense of freedom. It all came along just fine, just right,
just perfect for the timing. Too hard to resist, too easy to
give in.
The music was loud, but that's the way we all loved it.
Loud, rubbish and good vibes to dance along to. Mouthing
along to the song that was playing, I took another sip from
my drink and waved to my friends from across the room. I
could hardly feel my own feet from dancing so much but yet I
kept tapping my foot against the bar-counter. I felt high
that night; I felt my mind disappear into the distance, and
my body possessed by anther person. It felt like somebody
was controlling me, controlling my mind, watching me from
afar.
And he did watch me. I could sense his eyes through the mass
of people; unconsciously I looked around to get that eerie
feeling off me but it just got worse: our looks locked, our
eyes met, our hearts stopped. I'd already gotten used to it
by then but it was getting more and more awkward each time.
Looking away, I quickly finished off my drink and stepped
off my stool. I signaled to my friends I was off to get some
fresh air, not even bothered to wait for an answer. I could
see him arise too from the corner of my eyes; I put on my
coat and purse, and then quickly made my way towards the
exit.
"Wa... Wait!"
The music was loud, but apparently not loud enough: I could
still hear him call; I could still hear his footsteps after
me. Maybe it was my imagination, maybe it was my mind
playing tricks on me; the mind he was controlling.
I buried my head in my shoulders as I speeded up a bit and
made my way through everyone, ignoring their questioning
looks of where I was heading to and why so soon. Frankly, I
didn't know myself what I was doing: running away from him
or running away from 'it'? Maybe I was scared of him; maybe
I was scared of knowing what would happen from that point.
Scared of falling in love again with someone I shouldn't;
someone I can't. Someone I mustn't.
"Stop!" He cried, trying to reach his hands for me when he
kept bumping into people from running, "Please, wait."
No, I can't wait. I can't wait for you, I can't wait for it.
I can't do it... I just can't do it. It would be that same
story again, the same bitter feeling reminding me how lonely
I really am. I couldn't do it to myself, I owed it to
myself. I mustn't let it get to me, not again.
I was fast outside, only a second later feeling the cold hit
me in the face. Ten degrees outside; what was I doing?! I
knew I was going to catch a cold any second now, 3 AM in the
morning and I'm out and about in the freezing weather. I was
nuts: maybe I was just being paranoid. Or was I?
I turned around to the sound of his quick footsteps but soon
turned my looks away again. He sighed in relief when he saw
me, slowing his speed until he reached me. "Thank God you're
still here."
I faked a smile, rather to myself, still not looking his
way. My hands were shaking so I rapidly tucked them in my
pockets; you'd think I'd at least not be myself that night
after going completely out of my mind on that dance floor.
He took a few deep breaths, the cold painting his breath
white. He rubbed his hands together and laughed coyly, "Its
cold isn't it?"
"Yeah."
He glanced over at me when he heard my absentminded reply. I
looked away.
"They said it'd reach 10 degrees-"
"...I know."
He looked down at his shoes for a moment, trying to come up
with a decent line. Funny, considering the fact we'd never
really talked much with each other.
"You're going home then,"
"Yeah, I was hoping to catch the next bus before it's too
la-"
"- the next bus is only in an hour from now."
"Oh... Is it now," I sighed, flicking my hair back with one
of my hands. "Guess I'll have to wait here for an hour won't
I."
He didn't take his eyes off me. "Come inside then, you still
got one more hour to dance. I saw you over there, the way
you were dancing in there was... fabulous."
I didn't know whether to take it as a compliment or not but
I smiled, raising my eyes to meet his. "Thanks," I said. "So
you were watching me then..." I commented quietly, rather to
myself but he obviously heard it.
"What is it that always makes you run away from me?" He
blurted out with a sigh. "Every time I try to make eye
contact with you, you look away. Every time I try to talk to
you, you completely ignore me... what have I done wrong?!"
he asked with pleading eyes, his tone more serious than
ever. A few people who were standing outside raised an
eyebrow at us.
"Don't," I whispered, shaking my head and looking away.
"Don't mention it..."
"Why shouldn't I?!" He whispered, lowering his head and
looked at me in the eye. "I don't know why you're running
away from me but I just want to make sure this - what we
have - is mutual. You see, I have a feeling I'm not the only
one between us who's feeling this way. Do you?"
"Do I what," I replied dryly, looking away and pulling his
hands off both sides of my head. "Don't know what you're
talking about."
He straightened up and looked at me sadly. "You're only
fooling yourself, you know. You don't have to pretend you
feel nothing for me; I can tell by the way you look at me
you have the same feeling."
"What 'feeling'?!" I laughed bitterly, "I honestly don't
have a clue of what you're talking about!"
"Yes you do," he replied, shrugging his shoulders. "Your
eyes give you away. Plus, you're a bad liar."
I lowered my head and closed my eyes, not sure what to say
next. He was right; I got myself into that mess once again,
knowing I'd get hurt again and knowing it'd be that same old
story of illusive feelings.
Solitude; that's what I was afraid of. The more I fell in
love, the more I was scared of falling back into that deep,
black hole. It was nearly impossible to swim right out of
it, but it was harder to shut the door that led to it and
block myself from any human feelings. It still was my fault
I let myself be a part of it again; be this mess again.
"We can't do it," I eventually said.
He frowned, looking at me in the eye. "What?"
"We can't do it," I repeated. "'It'. We just can't possibly
fall for each other - you know just as well as me it's
doomed to fail and end in bitter tears."
"You don't know what you're talking about," he whispered,
placing his hand on my shoulder and caressing my hair. "It
can't fail; it won't fail if we don't let it. The future is
in our hands now, can't you see it?"
"This is not what I'm talking about!" I hissed, feeling my
throat choked with tears. "You know exactly why there's
always going to be that something, that someone pulling us
apart. It will be just too weird."
"But it's all in the past now, isn't it? If I can put it
behind, so can you."
"But maybe it's not that behind?" I asked sadly, looking
at the road in front of us. I signaled to a cab, then looked
back at him. "I'm sorry, but it can't work. Not right now.
We can't let ourselves get involved; you surely see at least
one good reason why we shouldn't be together."
He slowly shook his head and took my hand in his. "Don't
go," he pleaded. "Don't do this to me." I didn't reply, just
looked back at him with tears freely escaping my eyes.
"Don't cry," he whispered, and with one smooth motion wiped
away my tears. Then, out of the blue, he pressed his
cold-yet-warm lips against mine and kissed me; kissed me so
deeply it nearly caused all my hesitation to disappear.
Nearly caused me to fall in love with him with no boundaries
whatsoever. Kissed me so deeply that it made me forget who
was standing in front of me.
He slowly pulled away, gently brushing his thumb over my
lips. "All better now?"
I smiled through my tears and stepped into the cab. "I'm
sorry," I whispered and shut the door after me.
He leaned over and pressed his forehead against the window.
"I love you," he mouthed to me, "I love you."
The cab just drove away and I leaned my head back against
the cushions. It was ten degrees outside, but it felt much
colder inside.
Solitude; that's what I was afraid of.