about four days ago I was "informed"
seventy eight and a half hours, to be exact...
but you know.. "who's counting??!"

Standing in front of a mirror...
how deceiving looks can be...
        how healthy a deseased body can seem...
I look at myself and feel every single crumb of food in my
stomach.
Never in my life have I ever felt so disgusted!

So, I get in the shower, to try and clean my infected
self..
I scrub the skin like a girl after being raped, and maybe I
feel like I am.. after all, someone did this to me without
asking my permission, and now I can never get it out of
me!!!

My mind knows my hysteria is extremely over the top,

BUT WHO THE HELL CAN TELL ME HOW TO FEEL???????

I FEEL LIKE NO ONE SHOULD LOOK AT ME!!!!

I DON'T WANT TO, SO WHY SHOULD ANYONE ELSE????

But my mind keeps ringing in my ears: "stop being so fucking
melodramatic!!! It's not like you're dying!!! you only have
to buy a two year stock of chocolate... could be worse...."

But then again, over 2,500 woman DID die of this in 2001..
oh, shut up!!!! that doesn't have to be you!!!

(I wonder how many voices I have in my head... maybe this is
making me crazy??!!)

I start shaving my legs... I shave so hard, my skin turns
lobster-color...
I'm tempted to shave my skin off... to show my true diseased
self...

I decide not to, and after washing my hair, I get out.

I get dressed in my favorite dress, my favorite boots, my
favorite jacket... my boyfriend can't resist me in this....

I put on the most make-up I can, a huge smile, look at my
fake self one last time...
and leave.

Happy New-Year!