Congratulations. You have purchased an Anthrax/2000
Multimedia 615X personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah
enhancer. It will give years of faithful service, if you get
it up and running. Also included with your PC is the bonus
pack of preinstalled software- "lawn mowing planner",
"Mr.Arty Farty", "Blank screen saver" and "East Africa route
finder"- which will provide hours of pointless diversion
while using up most of your computer's spare memory.
So turn on the page and lets get started!

GETTING READY- Congratulations. You have successfully turned
the page and are ready to proceed. Important meaningless
note: the Antrax/2000 is configured to use 80386, 214J10 or
higher processors running at 2,472 Hertz on variable speed
spin cycle. Check your electrical installations and
insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry.
To prevent internal heat build-up, select a cool, dry
environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a
refrigerator is ideal.
Unpack the box and examine its contents. (Warning: do not
open the box if contents are missing or faulty, as this will
invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in
their original packaging with a note explaining where they
have gone and a replacement will be sent within 12 working
months)

The contents of the box should include some of the
following: monitor with mysterious De Gauss button.,
keyboard with 2.5 inch of flex, computer unit, miscellaneous
wired and cables not necessarily designed for this model,
2,000 page owner's manual; short guide to owner's manual;
quick guide to short guide to owners manual. Laminated super
Kwik Set Up Guide for people who are exceptionally inpatient
or stupid, 1167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in
Spanish and other loose pieces of paper, 292 cubic feet of
Styrofoam packing material.

SOMETHING THEY DIDN'T TELL YOU IN THE SHOP:
Because of the additional power needs of the preinstalled
bonus software, you will need to acquire an anthrax/2000
auxiliary software upgrade pack, a 900-volt memory
capacitator for the auxiliary software pack, a 50 Megahertz
oscillator unit for the memory capacitator, 2.500
Mega-gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator and
an electric substation.

SETTING UP:
Congratulations. You are ready to set up. If you have not
yet acquired a degree in electrical engineering, now is the
time to do so.
Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit
(D); attach power offload unit sub orbiter (Xii) to the
co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug three-pin mouse cable
into keyboard housing unit (make extra hole if necessary);
connect modem (B2) to offside parallel Audio/video lineout
Jack. Alternatively, plug the cables into the most likely
looking holes, switch on and see what happens.

Additional important meaningless note: the wires in the
ampule modulator are marked as followed according to
international convention: blue-neutral or live; yellow-live
or blue; blue and live-neutral and green; black=instant
death. (Except where prohibited by law)

Switch the computer on. Your hard drive will automatically
download (Allow three to five days). When downloading is
complete, your screen will say:"Yeah, what?"  

Now it is time to install your software. Insert disc A
(marked Disc D or Disk G) into Drive slot B or J, and type:
"Hello! Anybody home?". At the Dos command prompt, enter
your license Verification number. Your license verification
number can be found by entering your Certified user number,
which can be found by entering you License verification
number. If you are unable to find your License Verification
number or Certified User numbers, call the software Support
line for assistance. (Please have your License Verification
number and Certified user Numbers handy, as the support
staff cannot otherwise assist you). If you have not yet
committed suicide, then insert Installation Diskette 1 in
drive slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow instructions on your
screen. (Note: owing to a software modification, some
instructions will appear in Romanian). At each prompt,
reconfigure the specified file path, double click on the
button launch icon, select a single equation default file
from the macro selection register; insert the VGA graphics
card in the rear aerofoil, and type 'C:>' followed by the
birth dates of all the people you have ever known.

Your screen will now say:"Invalid file path. Whoa!!! Abort
or continue?"  warning: selecting "continue" may result in
irreversible file compression, permanent loss of memory and
a default overload in the hard drive. On the other hand,
selecting 'abort' will require you to start the whole
tedious, maddening installation process all over again. Your
choice.

When the smoke clears insert disc A2 (marked disc A1) and
repeat as directed with each pf the 187 other discs.

When installation is complete, return to file path, and type
your name, address, and credit card numbers and press
'send'. This will automatically register you for our free
software prize. "Black screensaver IV", "nighttime in deep
space" and computer magazines, online services and other
commercial enterprises, who will be getting in touch
shortly.

Congratulations. You are not ready to use your computer.
Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying
start.

Writing a letter:
Type "dear" and follow it with the name of someone you know.
Write a few lines about yourself and then write" sincerely
yours" followed by your own name. Congratulations.

Saving a file:
To save your letter selects File Menu. Choose Retrieve from
Sub-directory A, enter a backup file number and place an
insertion point beside the macro dialogue button. Select
secondary text box from the Merge menu, and double click on
the supplementary cleared document window. Assign the tile
cascade to the merge file and insert a text equation box.
Alternatively, write the letter out longhand and put it in a
drawer.


Advice on using spreadsheet Facility: Don't.

TROUBLESHOOTING SECTION:

You will have many, many problems with your computer. Here
are some common problems and their solutions:
PROBLEM- my computer wont turn on.
SOLUTION- check to make sure the computer is plugged in;
check to make sure the power button is in the ON position;
check cables for damage; dig up underground cables in your
garden and check for damage; drive into country and check
electricity pylons for signs of fallen wires; call hotline.

PROBLEM- My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
SOLUTION- turn the keyboard the right way up.

PROBLEM- My mouse wont drink its water or go on the spinning
wheel.
SOLUTION- Try a high-protein diet or call your pet-shop
support line.

PROBLEM- I keep getting a message saying:"Non-System General
Protection Fault".
SOLUTION- this is probably because you are trying to use the
computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any annoying
messages will disappear.

PROBLEM- My computer is a piece of useless junk.
CORRECT- and congratulations. You are not ready to upgrade
to an Antrax/3000 Turbo model, or to go back to pen and
paper.