Personal feelings and thoughts diary of George Cohen,
07/02/2000-
Dear future reader,
I feel depressed more than ever, it was stronger when I came
back from the university, now it's a bit weaker. During
lecture I snapped at quite a few people, in the bus I, in an
absolutely jerkish way, tried to prove a point to Paul by
kicking him. Chelsea got angry at me, I tried to appologyze
before both Chelsea and Paul - Paul couldn't care less,
Chelsea said that the appology was accepted but I believe it
wasn't. In reply to my question she also said that she would
rather not have a person like myself in her vecinity. This
basically made me feel better - now I at least know that she
hates me, there's some relief in that, now I can also
forgive myself for not doing anything about my loving her.
This sense of complition made it easier for me to think of
suicide - I spent a few hours considering the cons and pros
of different suicide techniques, then sat down to watch
T.V.: the total boredom made me forget about suicide.
Writing this note made me remember it again. During my ride
in the bus I also came to a conclusion that the best course
of action now would be to try and bring myself to an even
deeper depression, thus making the depression substitute my
fear, right now fear is the only thing keeping me alive. I
thought to try and make this happen by not goin' to the
party today but I still didn't make up my mind... I think
that so far I will go to the party and pass on the suicide
notion but I will try to ask Lena for a transfer to another
course, other than psychology, I would probably go to
philosophy instead, it'll be better both for me and for
Chelsea, and probably for some other people I don't really
give a damn about... Oh! I just remembered another thought I
had in my mind today - I remember I was thinking how would
Chelsea react if I commited suicide and wrote a note that I
did it because of her, at first I thought she'd be depressed
and very unhappy about it but then for some reason I had
this notion that maybe she would be bragging in front of her
friends about how guys kill themselves for her, wonder what
it means(my thought)... The suicide note was ectually one of
the things I thought about today, I think that if I ever
have the guts to do it I will write something about the fact
that I have no life as it is so I might as well not have a
breath at all... But that's all very theoretical - in the
end I don't have the guts to go through with a suicide, I am
just a lousy coward who can't even face love, not to talk
about death! Oh, speaking of love! I now remembered the idea
I had about practically raping Chelsea (even if I didn't
think of it this way at the time) considering I intend to
kill myself as it is so no harm could come to me because of
it... I wonder what my Shrink would say about this note if
he saw it, but he won't see it, what I do intend to show him
is the dream note I wrote today - I wrote down a totally
freekish dream: It was about me, a girl(totally diferent
from Chelsea) and, no more no less but CATS! Oh, wait, I
remembered another feeling I had today that I didn't mention
- the wish to cry, not for any particular reaon, just when I
got to really serious thoughts about suicide or about how
much Chelsea hates me I started feeling my eyes throb so I
had to blink a lot to make it go away... When I think of it
now I realise that the suicide thing is basically just a
dream, I don't know whether it's a good or a bad one but
it's very far from reality as for Chelsea, well I don't know
- she didn't scream at me with anger when I called to
apologize nor did she speak coldly and/or sarcastically.
Maybe my earlier thoughts - that she simply isn't much aware
of my existance were more accurate, but then again, most of
my thoughts tend to be quite far from the truth so there is
no reason for me to believe that I was right about this, but
if I think this way then I don't have reason to believe that
she really hates me - maybe she's ectually madly in love
with me! YEAH, RIGHT! The only people that might still like
me are my parents, my brother, Emma and, well, that's kind
of it... Well, ectually I'm being too hard on myself - most
people in my course don't hate me and don't despise me - and
some of them have no hard feelings for me so they are
basically on friendly terms with me - people like Gery, Don,
Fred, Henry, David, Izhar, Ronen, Golan, and... Again I'm
stuck! Just about everyone else is either afraid of me or he
hates me or he dispises me or, at best, he simply ignores my
existance... Unfortunately, I find it hard to live with the
fact that there are people who ignore me, I just don't like
this! I wonder what role do people like that play in my
depression, it's probably a minor one - most of it is done
by my self esteem, my boredom, and, like just about
everything in the last few months - Chelsea.

G. Cohen