16 Seconds

                            a short play



Max Bernstein, a well known New York publicist, is dining
with his daughter, Kimberly, at 'Michigan's' , a diner
located at Manhattan's West 56th street.

Max: ...of course I think you should go to college. If you
don't go to college, you won't have a future. I mean, you
don't want to end up being a looser like me, or a meshigene
like your mother, do you?

Kim: oh, dad, common. Do you really think so little of me?
And besides, you are not a loser. You are a very successful,
respectful publicist.  Half of New York adores you.

Max: and the other half are after me. Listen, my point is
that I want you to be happy with the choices you make. I
don't want you to drop college and start working in a
bakery, or being a cocktail waitress or something. I want to
be proud of you.

Kim: but dad I ...
Max: No buts, you are going to go to college. You are going
to complete the whole 3 year course, and we're going to find
you a decent job when you go out. But I don't want to hear
any of this 'dropping out of college' business anymore. End
of story. and now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the
toilets..

Max goes to toilet. Enters the empty room. He stands near
the wall and pees.
16 seconds later Raul, a Portorican young man, enters the
toilet room, takes out a sharp knife and shouts at Max:

Raul: hands up motherfucker!

Max: what?
Raul: I said hands up!
Max: what are you kidding me? I can't take my hands up now!
Raul: listen, this isn't a joke. Take them up!
Max: I can't!
Raul: what do you mean you can't?
Max: because my right hand is holding my penis. If I'll take
it up, I'll get all wet...
Raul: ok, so take the left hand up.
Max: the left hand? What's the point of raising one hand
anyway?
Raul: what the fu..do you think I'm joking? Do you see me
laughing? Shut the fuck up and put your hands in the air
before I kill you!

Max lifts his hands to the air

Raul: that's better.

Raul holds the knife near Max's penis.

Raul: now listen carefully. There is a very sharp knife
really close to you dick now. One move and you're going to
lose a very important origin. Do you understand?
Max: yeah.
Raul. Good. Now listen carefully, cause I'm going to ask one
time, and one time only: you're money or your dick?
Max: what?
Raul: what the fuck you don't understand? Either you say
goodbye to your money, and I know you're carrying a lot of
cash in your wallet right now, or your dick, which by the
look of it doesn't look too happy at the moment. Ha? What do
you decide?
Max: hmm..how long do I have to think about it?
Raul: don't mess around with me or else I won't think twice
and will cut it off!! It sound to me like a very simple
question - your money or your dick?
Max: yeah, but I still need to think about it. Let's see -
the money that I have in my pocket at the moment is not only
the money that will provide my daughter with the education
that she needs, but it's also the money that is meant to go
to publish two new books. One by a new writer, Chris
Perkinson, have you heard of him?
Raul: no.
Max: he is a new talent in the poetry world. Nevermind. The
other one is titled 'The 6 Feet Splash' and is the Deryl
Hannah biography.
Raul: what the fuck do I care?
Max: ...on the other hand, my dick is a very important
origin. I feel attached to it. it gives me confidant and
security, provides me with sexual pleasure, and is just
something that I can't give up that easily...
Raul: yeah but you ha..
Max: ...I know money is only money, but this money is
supposed to provide 3 individuals with security and wealth,
and I can't just give all that away just like that. Trust
me, half of this city are after my money, not just you. And
boy will I be in trouble if I didn't have cash... People
always say oh money, evil money, the whole world is chasing
after money, our dollar hunting capitalist society are
sacrificing the souls of  human beings everywhere they go in
order to make a buck, the streets are full of people who are
running from one job to another. But really, money gives us
possibilities. And without possibilities, my friend, we have
nothing. What is your name?
Raul: what difference does it make? Raul. My name is Raul?
Max: what do you do, Raul?
Raul: what do you think I do? I'm a full time criminal. I
steal wallets from old ladies, break into houses in Coney
Island, when the people go to the beach, and point knifes at
rich peoples penises in public bathrooms!!! (shouts) One
more word and I swear, I'm gonna cut it off!!
Max: now wait a second, Mr. Raul. I may have a solution to
our small problem here..
Raul: our? Man, I have no problems. If you don't give me
your money in 5 seconds, you can say goodbye to your future.
And your future children.
Max: I don't care about my future children. But I do care
about my children's future, which is why I'm going to make
you an offer: did you ever consider writing a book?
Raul: what!!!??
Max: writing. I think you'll be really good at it.
Raul: what are you talking about?
Max: hey, you asked me for my money or my dick, right?
Raul: yeah?
Max: yeah. So by publishing a book for you I'm giving you
both. You'll make a fortune, and, like half of this city,
have me by the balls the whole time. What do you say?
Raul: what the fuck? I can't write, man.
Max: oh, common. Everyone can write. Every shmock releases a
book nowadays. It's trendy. It's cool. You can write about
all the old ladies you've robbed, you know, make it look
like a fiction. Only you can write something like that the
will sound real. Common, you can do it what do you say?


Max, Kimberly and Raul are sitting behind the table,
ordering desserts. Three moths after, 'Crime-Flakes' came
out, becoming an immediately bestseller. Max made a fortune,
and paid half of New York back. Kimberly went to college,
and became a successful architect. Raul became a famous
writer, and bought the publishing house from Max a year
after. They all lived happily ever after.



THE END