As if

I woke up on somewhere between midnight and midmorning
feeling somewhat like yesterday's coffee.
And coreless.
Felt like crying upon my misfortune.
I guess I had everything but what's everything compared to
people who have more, ha?
Love!
Well, I can't say that I had no love...I loved and maybe I
was loved by some
But not in the way I wanted to be loved
I got up and asked her:
Did you think of what we had talked about?
"I thought I made it clear" she said embarrassed somewhat
Then I replied
"I just wanted you to know that I love you"
And I did.
And I hurt.
And I angered,
But I couldn't hurt her
Why?
I don't know why
But all I could do was hurt myself
And I did.
And I hurt.
And I angered.
I felt so worn off,
So tired of this filthy game of courtship
So primitive
Animalistic.
But wait...couple of hours later I met someone new
She shone like a drop of water on the spider's web after the
rain
I took a new perspective and looked at the others
They where just like me:
Drooling, showing off and jumping around like carrousel
horses around the pole,
Dancing to her music.
I took a step back and her shine wasn't that pure anymore.
It reminded me the dirty imitation of a rainbow from a
puddle of gasoline.
I was disgusted.
And hurt.
And angered.
And I know I will be next time
And there will be next time unless I die someday
And I'll never stop that primitive game, no matter how ugly
it is, because there is no other way!
I'll just try to be as honest as possible about my feelings

And maybe one day someone will understand me
And see me in a new way
And reach through this crude shell
And I won't feel hurt or angered or disgusted again.