-1-

January 1st 1999. Just another day. The winter was a
latecomer this year and Alex guessed it had some effect on
her yet undefined depression. She was feeling as if the
world and her own mind were on different dimensions, both
unreachable to her. If it would just rain, she thought. She
took her jacket off and felt the wind drying the sweat off
her skin. She imagined how sheltered she would feel
underneath layers of sweaters and her big old winter coat
and felt like crying, for no reason, again. The street was
almost empty, Friday morning everyone's at work, she had
another 10 minutes so she sneaked into Tower Records, going
straight to the magazine section. She picked up Rolling
Stones and looked at the cover. She'd seen this face before.
but she had no idea where. she paid and left the store.

She had to put her jacket back on. Maybe it was because she
stopped walking, but the wind seemed to be stronger. He was
late again, nothing new about that. She sat down on one of
the benches and opened the magazine, the story was about a
certain writer, Ron Evans, who disappeared 5 years before,
no one knew where he was, or at least that's what they said.
His brother had a rock band. She knew that story, she'd
heard it once or twice, but she also knew him, she couldn't
figure out how. Better not to think about it, probably her
mind playing tricks on her. Besides, Daniel was here. She
smiled at him "only 10 minutes late - that has to be some
kind of a record". He just hugged her quietly.

Daniel and her, they've been friends forever, since school.
And except from an innocent kiss when they were 11, nothing
ever happened between them. She wasn't sure if she was happy
about that, sometimes it seemed to her that if they fell in
love it would make everything right. He knew her so well
that sometimes she didn't even have to tell him what she
felt - he just knew.  

"I can't seem to wake up today" her took out a box of
Aspirin out of his pocket and downed a couple with the glass
of water the waitress had just brought. "Did you try
sleeping?" she wasn't even looking at him. "What's wrong
Alex? Who pissed you off today?" She turned to him, he had
his serious face on, the one when his entire forehead
wrinkled. "Nobody" she felt a tear run down her cheek. He
got up suddenly, without saying a word and sat down next to
her, his arms around her shoulders. She let her head fall on
his neck and the tears kept coming.


-2-

January 1st 1999. Only he had just realized that. It's been
so long. Sometimes it seemed just like yesterday but some
days, like this one, he couldn't remember his own name.
"Wanted to be left alone", he regretted waking up, he hated
those days when he lost control. He would probably question
himself for hours and still come to the same conclusion -
none. He remembered this one time he stood in front of a pay
phone for about 5 hours, just looking at it. One time, a
long time ago, he even called their house and got the
answering machine, but it was her voice on the tape, he
didn't know her, that made him feel even more isolated. If
you could feel more isolated. He thought of going back to
the monastery for a few months, to get his head together. He
was starting to feel that even they couldn't help him
anymore. So much time to spend, so many things he wanted to
do. It's so hot here, not like back home. He'll go back to
the monastery. To get his head together.


-3-

"Jesus Christ!" it was the third time the chord broke. It
was the 12th time they'd started to record. "I'm not doing
it on purpose you know!" Nathan screamed. Jay got up and
left the room. "Let's take a break" he heard Dave say behind
him, they didn't have much choice now that the voice was
gone "and everybody calm the fuck down!". This album was the
nightmare come true, everything that could possibly go wrong
did. He couldn't wait for this to end. He felt like he was
committing some kind of mortal sin and on the other hand he
had no choice - it had to be done. He put the kettle on and
lit a cigarette. 5 years. 5 years next month. Time heals all
wounds bullshit. They never talked about it anymore, like
they were okay with it. He wasn't. He felt more and more
numb every second. More and more dead. "Jay" it was Nathan,
"we're going down to the village to get food and new chords,
you coming?". "Nah..." he craved one moment alone "I'll be
here". Nathan nodded and disappeared. He looked at them from
the window, the sun was out, maybe he should take a walk.
Although the garden was probably muddy, and these shoes were
bran new. Better not. He ran his hand through his hair and
noticed it wasn't as thick anymore. He should grow it back,
he liked it a little longer. He took his tea into the living
room, must be a game on.

-4-

She was back in Nepal, taking pictures of that monastery on
top of the mountain. It was one of the most beautiful places
she'd seen in her life, the mountain looked as if it was
painted in a thousand shades of green and brown and the
white and red monastery perched on the highest point looked
almost unreal. She heard singing, it was a group of monks
making their way up. But one of them stopped and looked at
her, he wasn't Tibetan. She recognized him, it was that
writer, the one who disappeared. She woke up screaming. It
was 4:48 and it was raining.  

The next morning Daniel called said he was coming over. She
went into the shower, took her clothes off and stood under
the running water. She couldn't feel anything, cold, hot,
nothing. Not even the water on her skin. She sat down on the
cold tile and started banging her head against the wall.
Once, twice, harder. Stopping only when she felt a sharp
pain through her scull. She rubbed the back of her head, she
was bleeding. She watched as the red liquid disappeared into
the drain. The feeling was back.  

She was remembering the dream. It was about a year and a
half ago, right after the army, she was feeling so bad, not
knowing what to do with herself. Then Daniel and Liat,
another friend from school, got her a job at that cafe. They
made enough money and left for Nepal  the three of them.
They spent 5 months there, travelling. Liat stayed in Nepal,
she found a group of Israelis. Daniel and Alex had to come
back - they were out of money. But this was different, she
had reasons then, to feel bad. This time there was nothing,
her brain was like static. 86 channels and nothing on. The
doorbell rang, must be Daniel, good.


-5-

Nathan was in the kitchen, washing the dishes. Dave was
babbling about their last attempt at what they now referred
to as The Curse. Why didn't they ever talk about it anymore?
Jay remembered a time when Nathan and him could talk for
hours about anything, now they're just geezers. They talk
about football, the music. Sometimes he would walk into the
studio and feel like they're complete strangers. Dave was
still talking. Jay stopped him "it's like he's trying to
stop us from recording this song" Dave was staring right at
him, "You remember 'him' don't you? The one I wrote the song
for? You did know it was about 'him'?" he'd touched a nerve,
he'd just realized they never even asked him if it was about
'him'.

Dave was still looking at him as he left the room, bumping
into Nathan who'd heard the argument from the sink. He went
up the stairs into the studio and locked himself in. Jay
couldn't remember the last time he'd cried but he could feel
the tears blocking his breath now. He picked up Nathan's
notebook from the coffee table and threw it against the wall
as hard as he could. He needed a drink. But not now, there
was something he had to do first. He pressed 'record', went
back into the room, plugged himself in and started playing.
His face was wet with tears but his voice was calm and
clear. The words entered the music perfectly, there was
nothing to stop him now.  

When he came out of the studio Nathan was waiting outside
the door. "I broke the curse" he told him. Nathan smiled,
Nathan never smiles, so he tried something "will you go down
to the pub with me?". "One pint" Nathan said putting his arm
around Jay's shoulder. "One pint" Jay answered "that's all I
need".



-6-

Ron had mud up to his knees and the sun was falling behind
the mountains. He had to find a place to stay for the night.
Looking around he saw a group of pilgrims walking towards
him, he'll ask them. Maybe this monastery thing wasn't such
a good idea after all. If it started raining again he could
get stuck. He turned around but the pilgrims were gone.
"Shit" he walked towards a dark figure that seemed like a
barn or some kind of construction. Bingo, it was a barn. He
wasn't the only one there, a small family had also found
refuge from the storm, they smiled and offered him food.

He was feeling better, still wet and dirty but better. He
decided to try sleeping and curled himself into a quarter
circle. He hated that part, alone with your thoughts. He
looked out and realized he could see the monastery from
here, well, not really, you could see the mountain hidden
inside a thick cloud. He remembered the first time he came
here. The one thing he never got rid of was the guilt. He
dealt with everything, all his reasons and excuses but he
never forgave himself for hurting Jay. And he missed them so
much. But it was too late to take it back now.

He closed his eyes and tried to sleep. Suddenly he felt a
little hand on his shoulder and sat up. It was one of the
children, he was laughing and handing him a piece of paper,
Ron took the paper and the child ran back to his parents. He
opened the page and his heart stopped. It was his face. In
black and white. A photo from 5 years ago, the word
'MISSING' written above it. He looked across the barn, to
the family, but they weren't looking his way. He couldn't
stay here, even if they didn't know what 'MISSING' meant,
they were probably going to spread the word.


-7-

Daniel looked determined. He didn't even take his coat off.
He went right into the room and took Alex's suitcase out of
the closet. Alex followed him into the bedroom and watched
him quietly as he started packing her stuff. Finally she
reacted "Daniel, what are you doing?". He turned to her
"we're getting out of this town". She said nothing. He
stopped packing and sat down on the bed "I can't take this
anymore, it's killing us! You're having your second nervous
breakdown in one year! I can't keep watching you destroy
yourself." he stopped and closed his eyes. Alex went right
to the bed and put her arms around him. After a few seconds
she spoke - "back to Jerusalem". The rain started falling
again.

The car was packed so tight it almost touched the ground.
They said nothing. It was a mixed feeling of failure and
relief. Alex was watching the road and trying to remember
why they'd moved to Tel-Aviv in the first place, it seemed
like a good idea at the time. She was wondering if the city
looked the same, that 24h cafe on Hilel Street and the
cinema off Emek Refaim. There was something she really
missed though, the rainstorms. those nights that feel like
it's the end of the world, the wind against the shutters and
the rain.

She started to think about the dream again "Daniel, do you
remember the monastery outside Lassah? The one on top of the
mountain?" he nodded, Alex continued "was there a group of
monks climbing when we were there?" Daniel lifted a brow
"why?" "I had a dream last night about it, I just wanted to
make sure it was just a dream". He was thinking, "I honestly
don't remember. what was the dream about?" Alex turned to
the window again "nothing".

When they reached Shaar Hagay Daniel spoke "I talked to my
brother, he said we could stay at his place until we find an
apartment". That was good news, it meant they didn't have to
face their parents and their 'I told you so'. "Did I tell
you - he has a pub now".


-8-

The record company had just called, they missed the
deadline. Big deal, he thought, what were they going to do,
sue them? Dave was pleased with the recording of The Curse
and they decided that this was going to be the name of the
song, because of Ron's book. They left it that way, just Jay
and the guitar. Nathan and him got to talk last night, not
too deep or anything but it was good, for a second there he
thought he'd lost him. Besides, they were just putting the
finishing touches and Nathan and John were working on the
design, so that there was nothing to worry about.

"Mother of God!" it was Nathan, he had just come in "there's
a snow storm on it's way, it's fucking freezing!" he was
covered with snow and his face was red. Jay went to the
window, it looked serious "looks like we're stuck here for a
while" he said turning to them "might as well record an
album, hey?" John was laughing, that had to be good.

When Jay woke up the next day he felt something different,
the entire landscape was white and it gave him a feeling of
purity. But that wasn't it, there as something else. He came
downstairs and realized he was the only one awake, they all
went to bed pretty late the night before but usually Nathan
is always the first one here. He made tea. It was 9:38 and
so silent. He sat down at the computer and within 30 seconds
he was on the net. Checked out a few sites, nothing
interesting, went into their homepage, the group's. He
hardly ever did that but sometimes he liked reading the 'fan
mail', best fans in the world. This time the debate was
about Jay's new haircut, the girls loved it, he started
laughing. But then a new message arrived, he opened it right
away and it took some time. His eyes fixed the screen, the
subject fill was blank and all the message contained was a
document, some kind of a flyer or poster with a picture of
Ron and above it was written 'MISSING'. He turned away from
he computer, that was a first. No fan ever pulled a stunt
like this. There was that feeling again.


-9-

Jerusalem. Clouds were slowly sliding in the blue sky,
interrupted occasionally by sunlight. She'd just got back
from visiting her parents and since the weather wasn't to
cold she decided to walk to Zion Square - the ultimate
meeting place, they were to meet Daniel's brother. He wanted
to talk to them, probably about sleeping arraignments. She
didn't tell her parents that she was having a hard time,
they would just blame it on her life style and she couldn't
deal with it. Besides she felt better now, still weak but
change was always good in a situation like this. The
important thing was - she could gather her strength back
here, she felt safe.

She walked up Gaza Road and decided to go through the park.
There was an unexplained mix of emotions in her head,
flashbacks of lost moments as she walked those streets. The
same course she'd taken so many times, for a million
different reasons. A 10-minute walk to the center. To meet
friends, for a job interview, she felt everything coming
back to her at once. She felt old. Her body felt old. Not
the same body as 10 years ago. Not the same person. The
things she'd seen and done in this time would never leave
her. The scars would always be a part of her. Her virginity,
her innocence and her childhood, would never come back. Now
she was marked. She felt her brain shut down again and
started walking faster.

She passed near the second hand bookstore and walked in. She
loved that smell, and she loved the people. In the middle of
the store stood a small table with rare books, she started
looking through them. Catcher in the rye, she never read
that for some reason, she should get it and a book called
The Blessing by Ron Evans, that writer who disappeared. She
should get that too.  

Daniel's brother, Gil, didn't look like Daniel's brother, he
was tall and skinny while Daniel was short and stocky. And
he looked hostile while Daniel was the sweetest and most
generous person Alex had ever met. After the formalities Gil
dragged them to a forgotten part of Nahalat Shivaa,
Jerusalem's trendiest neighborhood. They passed shops and
cafes, pubs and bookstores, and finally reached they're
destination. Gil opened the door and they walked into what
must have been a pub at one time but didn't look much like
anything now. The place was filthy and it smelled as if
something had died here a long time ago. Broken tables and
old chairs on a floor covered with empty bottles and cans.
In the corner stood what was left of a bar behind it piles
of old beer mugs. Gil turned to them and smiled "voila!"
They didn't quite know how to react. "This is it, this is
what I told you about" he was so exited it seemed a shame to
ruin his day. Finally Daniel intervened "this is your pub?"
"Yes!" Gil screamed, "sit down" they looked around and
decided to stand. Gil sat on the remains of the bar and
spoke - "I bought this place a month ago thinking I could
remodel it and make it work. Turns out a friend of mine
needs my help in New York so I have to leave, I don't know
for how long. So I'm thinking, why not give it to Daniel,
he's got nothing better to do". Daniel and Alex looked at
each other silently. Then Gil spoke again - "you can stay at
my house and all the profits are yours" still silence "all
expenses paid."


-10-

He stood looking at the house for a few minutes. The sky was
cold and white. Not blue, not grey but white. He shoved his
hands inside his pockets and felt something at the bottom of
his left one, small, round and cold. It was his wedding
ring. Suddenly he remembered everything, that day she told
him and how he went to the pub and stared into his drink for
hours. That ring. He probably shoved it in there that night
and forgot. 'I don't love you anymore'. How could you just
stop loving someone? Maybe she wanted him to go down on his
knees and beg her to stay. But if she knew him even a little
she should have known. The funny thing was he didn't 'love
her anymore' either now.

"Jay, need a ride home?" Nath was dragging his bags into the
car. "Lovely" Jay said and shoved the ring back into his
left pocket. He was thinking he should take a few days off.
Go some place. "Hey Nath, d'you have anything planned?".
"Nope" Nathan started the car. "So you're open for
suggestions?". "Yep". The car slid down the driveway and
they were gone.


-11-

She was smiling - must be the paint fumes. Plus Daniel had
the radio on way too loud. They'd been working for 3 days
straight and the place started to look a lot more
acceptable. They brought their old posters from the flat in
Tel Aviv - Platoon, Trainspotting, The X Files. Daniel was
standing on the table trying to fix the light when they
heard screaming outside. Daniel lost his balance and fell
and Alex dropped the paintbrush on the floor leaving a huge
stain.

It was Liat. She was back.

After 10 minutes of hugging and kissing they sat down to
talk. Liat said she spent most of her time with that group
of Israelis she met and they went to a seminar in India.
They spent about 2 months there, completely cut off from
everything. After that they went back to Nepal. "I called
your houses last night and your parents told me you were
back in Jerusalem. What happened to Tel-Aviv? Didn't work
out?" Daniel and Alex looked at each other feeling a certain
amount of defeat and embarrassment "not really" Alex said at
the end. Daniel continued "it's a long story, you'll hear
all about it. In the meantime - you need a place to stay?"
Liat looked at him "I didn't think about that yet but -yeah,
I guess.".

Gil's house was huge, 5 bedrooms, a bar and the kitchen
alone was he size of her old apartment. So they asked Liat
to move in with them. It was 3am. Daniel was asleep - they'd
been working all day. Liat was still jetlagged so she
crashed as well. But Alex couldn't sleep. She was so tired,
her body ached all over, but her eyes stayed open and her
brain wouldn't stop. She was sitting in the living room,
wrapped in a blanket holding a box of sleeping pills she'd
found in the medicine cabinet. Her eyes moving from the box
to the window in a fixed rhythm. One of those and she would
sleep like a baby. She felt like a contestant in a really
sick game show. All she has to do is face her own despair
without the help of chemicals. Without blocking her
thoughts. Just fight the demon. Easier said. She should do
something.  

She looked across the room and spotted the computer, she
wanted to check out that band, the brother of the writer.
She typed the name of the site from Rolling Stones and she
was in. Bio, photos, that bass player is really hot. A chat
room, that's interesting, she went in. The discussion was
about a flyer someone had put on the site about Ron's
disappearance. Ron, that's the writer. She opened the file -
a black and white photo of him and the word 'MISSING'
written above it. She stared at the photo for a while. The
longer she looked at his face the closer she felt to him.
She couldn't explain it. She knew the story, heard about it.
But somehow, for some reason, she always managed to avoid
it. One time, she remembered, Liat talked about it and Alex
said he was probably dead. As if she didn't want to deal -
it was too much. But it caught up with her. And now, the
more she listened the more she felt as if he was telling her
story.  

She heard a noise in the corridor and the light went on.
"Alex, is that you?" it was Liat. "Yeah, I'm in here" Liat
walked into the living room. "What are you doing? It's
almost tomorrow!" "I know, I can't sleep" Liat sat down next
to her and pulled the blanket over her, she looked at the
computer. "Hey - I know this" "It's Ron Evans, the writer
who disappeared" Alex explained. "No, no" Liat continued "I
know this". Alex didn't understand. "Wait here" Liat got up
and went upstairs.

Alex went into the kitchen and put fresh water in the
kettle. Ron's book was on the table, she started reading it
last night but got scared. For no specific reason. It was
about a little girl who's born with a blessing - she could
know the truth from any lie. No one could ever fool her.  

Alex heard a loud noise and then Liat came running down the
stairs. She came into the kitchen holding a piece of paper,
she threw it on the table. Alex picked it up slowly - it was
the flyer itself. "D'you know where I got this?" Liat asked
calmly "in Nepal Alex, they're all over! Someone's giving
them out." Alex went back to the computer.


-12-

China was way too dangerous and Thailand is crawling with
Israelis so it was too risky. He could try to make it to
India but every time he came out of the room someone
recognized him. He was growing his beard back, that would
make him less obvious. If he ever found the guy who was
doing this he'd rip his spine out. He looked out the window,
there was a little boy on the street giving out flyers. He
was trapped. He could wait for this to blow over but how
long? Then he had an idea. He ran downstairs and out to the
street. He grabbed the little boy, put his hand on his mouth
to stop him from screaming and dragged him into an alley.
When they were alone he showed him his face. The boy stopped
breathing. Ron took the flyers from him "where did you get
these?" he asked him, the boy said nothing. "Where did you
get these?" Ron insisted. The boy took his hand and pointed
to the street. Ron looked at him for a second, covered his
face and followed him.

They walked for about 7 minutes. Ron was holding his scarf
on his face and trembling. The little boy, who couldn't be
more than 8 was holding Ron's index finger and leading him
through the streets of the village. They came to a house and
he knocked on the door. A voice screamed "who is it?" in
English and the boy answered. The door opened, they walked
into complete darkness, and then someone lit an oil lamp.
Ron's face was still covered, he looked across the room but
all he saw was a dark figure that said "My god, you are
alive". Ron walked across the room, "you're going to wish I
wasn't". But the light got stronger. It was a girl.


-13-

Nathan lived in London. Before the divorce Jay had a house
in the countryside but now every time he saw he sheep it
would remind him of his failed marriage, so he was
considering London as well. Or maybe Dublin, less crowded.
Nathan's flat was one giant room, the bed in one corner, the
kitchen in the other and in the middle a sofa and a TV.
Movie posters on the wall, his collection of bass guitars.
The perfect Rock 'n' Roll apartment. Jay was thinking, if it
weren't for Nathan this band would have no image. He was
out, went to buy food. Jay thought about that flyer again
and decided to give it another check.

He went into the home page, to the chat room, and started
reading when he came across a message by a certain Alex.
There was a copy of the flyer and she claimed a friend of
hers brought it back with her from. Nepal? He heard the door
open, it was Nathan. He hit 'print' and got up.  

"It's probably some one who's having a hard time with this"
Nathan tried to explain the flyer "he just wants to get
people's attention on Ron's disappearance". "See, I thought
about that, but it doesn't make sense - why Nepal? If all
this person really wanted was attention, he'd be spreading
these out in the tube. No one knows who Ron is in Nepal
Nath". "You think we should take this seriously?" Nathan's
voice sounded frightened. Jay sat back "I don't know Nath".
They were sitting on the armchairs with their back to the
window and the soft winter light was falling into the room,
that feeling rose again "I honestly don't know."

Nathan was asleep. Jay was at the computer, writing a
message to Alex. She would probably not believe that it was
really him. But he had to know more, it could just be a hoax
but he had to know.


-14-

"Who the fuck are you?" Ron tried to keep his calm. The girl
said nothing, she walked up to him slowly and took his left
arm, rolled the sleeve back and examined the tattoo, just to
be sure. Ron looked at her, she was crying. "It's really
you." she said, he wasn't sure if it was a question or an
affirmation. She rolled her sleeve up and showed him, she
had the exact same tattoo. "Yeah" he took her in his arms
"it's really me."

"So, what possessed you to pull something like this?" he was
eating for the first time in a long time, she was sitting
across the table, watching him. "People say - the truth will
destroy you, look at Ron Evans" she said, he couldn't figure
out her age "I refused to believe it". "Don't you have any
respect for people's privacy?" it was his only argument. "If
I knew what had happened to you - I wouldn't look. If I knew
that you were alive and okay. Besides, I'm Israeli, I have
very little respect for anything". He stopped eating and
looked at her "I can't go back" he said. The second it came
out of his mouth he wanted her to convince him that he
should. Her calm amazed him. "You can't stay here" she was
right.

The girl's name was Shirley. At least that's what she said.
You can never know here, it's so far away from anything
anyone can lie. She had a portable computer and she'd been
at it for hours. Ron was holding her copy of The Blessing
and reading as if for the first time. The writing of this
book seemed so far away from him. A different life time. He
knew nothing about her, there must be more to her than her
obsession with the truth. He still wanted to kill her - she
ruined everything. And Ron wasn't the type of person to
believe that things happen for a reason. In his world things
only happened if some cunt fucked up. Bad choice of words.
She lifted her dark green eyes from the screen and said, "we
have a slight problem".



-15-

"Hey Nathan?"
"Yeah?"
"Ever been to Israel?"
"No. Why?"
"I was thinking of going."
"For the tour you mean?"
"No, to visit someone."
"In Israel? Who do you know in Israel?"
"If I tell you - you won't come."

Heathrow. Nathan had no problem with flying in general
except when it involved airports, suitcases and basically -
people. "It's only a 4 hour flight" Jay tried to calm him
down "and it's not so cold there". Nathan just looked at him
with his cold blue eyes and Jay decided to shut up. Someone
grabbed his arm and asked for an autograph. Nathan smiled.
Then Jay smiled. Nathan put his shades back on and started
laughing.


-16-

"You expect me to believe that Jay Evans, the singer and
songwriter is on his way here to meet you?" Alex never knew
Daniel's eyes could open this wide. "I don't know if it's
him, it could be a joke". "Oh, you thought about that too?"
Daniel was in a cynical mood. "Why would anyone bother lying
to us about this?" Liat tried "It doesn't make sense". But
Daniel continued on the same note - "could be some
journalist who just wants a story, could be a crazed fan
who's going to sell the flyer to the highest bidder". Alex
kept her calm "That's why we're going to wait for him to
show up". "Well, I admire your faith in mankind Alex" he
said and went back to the beer cans. Liat looked at Alex "he
could be right, you know". "I know" Alex answered "but it
would be really cool if he wasn't!"

The phone rang. It was for Alex. She picked it up "yes?".
Then she froze "hi - this is Jay Evans, nice to hear your
voice". Some miracle occurred and she spoke "nice to hear
yours - are you here?" it was really him. "Yes I am, at the
Hilton, should we meet?" she realized she wasn't breathing
"I'll be right over". "Lovely - we're in room 295". She put
the phone down and looked at Liat and Daniel "he's here".
There was a second of silence and then the two girls started
screaming. Daniel blocked his ears and waited for it to end.
"I won't believe it till I see it" he said and took his coat
and car keys.



-17-

"What if she's lying?" Nathan was a little nervous about the
meeting. "Then I'll let you kill her" Jay was looking out
the window, they had a room with a view of the old city. He
hated that he had to come here under these circumstances, he
would be too preoccupied to enjoy the visit. ""It's fucking
beautiful," Nathan said, looking out "no wonder they're
always fighting over it".

Someone knocked on the door. They looked at each other and
Nathan said "your idea, you open". So he did.

Alex, at least he thought that was her, was standing there
and behind her, almost next to the lift, were two other
people, a boy and a girl. "Hello" Jay said and extended his
arm, She shook his hand and came in. "I'm Alex and these
are." she turned around and realized that Liat and Daniel
hadn't moved and their mouths were wide open. "Your very shy
friends" Jay completed the sentence "you can tell them we
don't bite". "We?" Alex asked, confused. "Yeah" he pointed
at the sofa where Nathan was "I brought some re-enforcement,
I hope you don't mind". Alex smiled and said "not - at -
all". Nathan laughed and moved to make room for her. In the
meantime Daniel and Liat came in and sat down.

To Alex's surprise Liat handled herself pretty well - her
and Jay had a civilized conversation and she gave him all
the details. She said that Nepal was really a secluded part
of the world and a good place to get lost. So that she
wouldn't be surprised if Ron was there. Jay said a lot of
people think Ron killed himself but he never believed it.
They all agreed. "The problem is" Nathan said at the end
"this is just going to make him want to escape even more".
"He's right" Alex continued "he'll see he's becoming a
legend then why ruin it?" Nathan seemed very pleased that
she was on his side. "On the other hand" Jay spoke "in order
to be famous, a serial killer has to get caught".

They all had dinner at the hotel and then decided to go to
the pub. That gave Alex and Nathan some time to get
acquainted and she realized there is a person behind the
face. Daniel and Jay got to talk, mainly about football but
that was great Jay thought. Jay said he was upset that he
wasn't going to get to see Israel and Alex asked them to
stay, which made Nathan even happier. "You don't have to go
back right away, we could show you around, it'll be great"
that was enough to make them want to stay. So they did.
"Must be the paint fumes" Nathan said and laughed.

That night Alex looked for the demon but it was gone. She
got into bed, closed her eyes and she fell asleep right
away. Must be the paint fumes.

The next morning, at about 10 the phone woke rang. Nathan
was up since 9 of course and he came into Jay's room and sat
on the bed. "Was that your new girlfriend?" Jay asked him
from under the covers. "Yeah," Jay's head came out from
under the blanket with a surprised look, Nathan smiled
"she's taking us to the old city so get up". Well, at least
they would do a little sight seeing. And if nothing comes
out of this trip, Nathan seemed, well, different. He smiled
now.  

It wasn't raining anymore. The sun was drawing little
circles in his eyes. Alex was saying that Jerusalem had this
ability to make you and your life seem even more worthless
than it already is. "When you see all this and realize all
of the world's history went by right here, you feel like a
statistic. It's the 'why bother' effect. This city's been
here for 3000 years, it saw kings, emperors, sultans. It was
here before I was born and will be long after I'm gone. And
I won't change a thing about it". Jay thought he should
right this down.  

Suddenly as they walked towards the Western Wall, someone
screamed Jay's name. He turned around, thinking it was a fan
but all he saw was a news camera pointed in his face. "Jay
Evans, what are you doing in Israel?" Jay put on his smile
and answered quietly "just visiting some friends" the news
reporter continued "is there any truth to the rumors about
your brother being alive and well in Nepal?" Nathan took
over "they're rumors, you said it" the reporter kept digging
"is that the reason you're here?" Alex came from behind and
switched off the camera "let's go back to the house" she
said.

"We can't stay, they'll be all over us!" Jay was lying face
down on the sofa, drowning in his own despair. Liat was
sitting next to him patting his head. "If you stay at the
hotel they will" Alex screamed from the kitchen, she walked
into the living room with a spoon on her hand, "I don't
think you should leave right now". Jay got up "wha'd'you
mean?". "Well," Alex realized everyone was looking at her
"this might be far fetch but, that person who's giving the
flyers hangs around your home page, right?" Nathan and Jay
nodded "so the Western Wall incident is going to be on the 8
o'clock news, right?" they nodded again. "And pretty soon,
on the home page" it wasn't a question but they nodded
anyway "I have a feeling something is going to happen once
that person understand that he/she had such an effect". That
made a lot of sense. Jay buried his head in the sofa again
and Nathan said, "I think we should stay".  

-18-

The water was warm and clean. This hotel room reminded him
of that time he was on tour with Jay and the boys, right
before he left. He picked up one of the little shampoo
bottles and emptied it on his head. His hair was so dry from
washing it with soap, he rinsed and looked for the
conditioner. He remembered in high school he would do
anything to make his hair stand up. Him and Nathan used to
put coke in it. And the other boys always called them names
and picked on them. Unless they were with Jay, everyone was
afraid of Jay. Their dad said to them once "at least one of
you is a real man". What's so exiting about being a real man
anyway? Beer and football? No thanks. And their mom called
him androgynous. He loved that word. He came out of the
shower and stood in front of the mirror. He looked like cave
man with that awful beard. He hated himself even more. There
was some cream and a razor on the shelf.

The 'slight problem' Shirley talked about was that somebody
found the flyer in Nepal and thought he should put it on the
band's home page. So that now it was probably all over the
news. And he had to get out fast if he wanted to stay under.
So they made it to Bombay. He still wasn't sure he should
trust her, she seemed okay. She could also be a fruitcake.
Or a reporter. But she had the tattoo. Plus she was a fan of
Jay's band and they were okay. Best fans in the world Jay
said.
 
When he came out of the shower she was gone. There was a
note - 'don't move'. He turned the TV on and started to zap,
it's true - some things you don't forget. He stopped on MTV.
There was an interview with Jay. It was so strange seeing
his face and hearing his voice. Not really an interview, he
was in Israel, they asked him about Nepal. Ron's heart
started beating so hard he could hear it. It was on the news
now. He felt panic come but someone knocked on the door.

He opened, he didn't know why. It was room service, Shirley
probably ordered food for him. The bellboy wasn't looking at
first but then he did. And Ron knew he recognized him,
probably the only guy in Bombay that even knew who he was.
The bellboy just mumbled "Ron Evans.". "I'm sorry" Ron said,
"you have the wrong room" and closed the door. He took the
fire escape, no time to leave her a note, he would regret
that.

He got to the main street and started walking faster among
people and cars. He couldn't figure out what to do, this
wasn't supposed to happen. Then he had an impossible
thought. He stopped a taxi and they headed for the airport.
He wanted it to end.

When Shirley walked into her hotel room and realized he was
gone she sat down on the floor where he'd left he's old
clothes, picked up he's shirt and put it on. She doesn't
know how long she stayed there. Probably a while. At the end
she convinced herself that at least now, she knew. As if
that was going to be enough. She started thinking about the
next thing she should do, now that she'd lost her cause.  

-19-

It'd been three days. They were staying at Gil's house
because the Hilton was crawling with reporters. They were
having a lot of fun, except Jay was obsessing, but that was
normal according to Nathan.

Jay had disappeared. Alex went looking for him and after 10
minutes she found him upstairs. He was sitting on the
window. She stopped and smiled, he looked like one of his
videos. She sat next to him "hey". He answered "hey". "You
all right Jay?" she asked. He nodded quietly and noticed she
was carrying her copy of The Blessing. "D'you read it?".
"I'm in the middle" she answered "it's strong stuff". Jay
smiled "I know". "Jay?" she's wanted to ask this question
for a while now "what happened to him?" Jay's eyes seem to
go blank, he took a deep breath "I guess it just got too
tough. By the time he came asking for our help, it had
completely taken over him". Alex tried to explain "they said
he was sick." "That's bullshit" Jay stopped her "he just saw
things in a different way. Saw things no one else wanted to,
and there wasn't much beauty where he looked. I can't
explain it. He couldn't explain it. He tried in The
Blessing. I don't know if you got to that part yet but that
girl, the world sees her gift as a blessing but for her it's
a curse! Ron always said he would be better off dumb. He
didn't think anyone got it really, people would come to him
and cry, he listened and they went to work the next day. All
that made him a very lonely person." Jay looked up and saw
that Alex was crying, he passed his hand on her face. She
could feel the pain rising inside her, she didn't care, she
wasn't numb anymore.  

They went back downstairs. Nathan was on the phone with
John, who was screaming while all Nathan did was "hmm". He
hung up and sat down on the sofa looking as if the end of
the world was near. Jay sat next to him and put his arm
around his shoulders "what was that about?". "They want us
back in England, they want to release an official statement
about this whole mess". Jay didn't understand "why can't
they do it without us?" "Apparently M is pretty upset with
us." Jay looked 5 years old and lost in the mall. He looked
up at Alex "we going to have to go back soon". She nodded.



-20-

Since he had no luggage he went quickly through customs and
looked for a buss to Jerusalem. He hadn't used his fake
passport in years but it still worked. He had shades and a
hat and his 3 days old beard made him look nothing like his
old self. He climbed into the buss and sat in the back,
pretending to sleep, Jay's song was playing on the radio.

He had no idea how to find his brother, but he knew he had
to. He wondered around the city center for a few hours,
breathing in white buildings and black sidewalks. It made
him feel at home for some reason, like he'd been here
before. The streets all seemed familiar, the sun and the
clouds, he knew them all. He suddenly found himself in front
of the old city but he wasn't surprised. He knew the way. He
kept walking as if in one of those dreams where you don't
know what's going to happen but you know what to do. The 400
years old walls closed behind him as he walked in.

Alex said there was one thing they had to do before he left,
so she took him back to the Western Wall. "You're trying to
kill me?" Jay was seriously worried. "There are no cameras -
don't worry so much" she said and dragged him by the hand to
the wall. When they were close enough she kissed the cold
stones and took a piece of paper and a pen out of her
pocket. "Oh, I know" Jay said suddenly "I have to make a
wish now". "I'm impressed with your knowledge" Alex said and
ripped the paper in two and handed him a piece. He knew what
he wanted to write.

Ron was walking through the open market, through shops
filled with anything from spices to clothes and silverware.
He was looking around but saw nothing, smelled nothing and
heard nothing. He just walked. He reached the Western Wall.
From the top of the stairs it looked like a photograph. He
waited for a few seconds and started walking down.

"I have an idea, let's walk back through the shuk" Alex said
putting her shades back on. "What's a shuk?" Jay looked
puzzled. "It's the open market, it's really cool. You'll
see". He didn't have much choice. They walked up the stairs
and then Alex stopped. At first he didn't understand but
then he looked past her and saw him. It was him. He was
standing there, on his way down, looking at them both. No
one remembers how long they stood there before the two
brothers fell into each other's arms. Ron was crying,
without a sound. And Jay was just repeating the same
sentence again and again "it's good to see you", "good to
see you".


-21-

They were at Gil's house. Nathan was sitting very close to
Alex, holding her hand. He seemed very far away and she was
trying to get him back. "Nathan, it's over now, he's okay"
he closed his eyes "you don't understand!". She smiled
"aren't you glad you know?" he squeezed her hand "of course
I am! It's just. I don't think I can do this."

Ron and Jay were upstairs, talking. They'd barricaded
themselves in Alex's room, Jay wasn't going to let Ron get
out of his sight. Ron told Jay what had happened in the past
4 years, from the monastery to the end and Shirley. Jay
updated Ron with the latest event in his personal and
professional life. After a few laughs and a lot of nodding
Jay decided to ask him the real question. He looked at Ron
that knew what was coming. "So why did you leave, Ron?"
there were a few seconds of silence, Ron was looking for an
excuse, or at least a good reason. "It's simple really" he
said suddenly "I can't function in this world". "Like the
girl in the book?" Jay was ready for this, he had been for 5
years now. "Yeah, like the girl in the book" he said,
annoyed. Then they heard the door open, "she kills herself
at the end," it was Alex "isn't that what you should have
done if you really identified with her?" Ron didn't know how
to react. Alex went on "or maybe the world is not ready for
Ron Evans" part of Jay really wanted to kill her, but he let
her continue. "You know what, the world is never ready for
change, it's a fact. If you had to ask the world's opinion
every time it needed a change we would still be living in
caves!" she looked both furious and extremely calm. "Maybe
your motive was purely selfish and personal" she sat down
and took one of Jay's cigarettes "I think you're full of
shit. You sold the truth the same way they sell lies! I
think you don't believe a word of what you wrote. If you did
you wouldn't have let them get to you". She closed the door
behind her, leaving them to the silence.

She sat down on the stairs her head between her knees.
Nathan saw her and took her in his arms, he kissed her eyes
and said "come to London with me". She climbed to his
shoulders and kissed him. That pain, the one that came last
night when she spoke to Jay, was gone. She couldn't remember
how it felt, there was only one thing to feel now.

Ron said nothing for a while. Then he got up and went to
his jacket, to Jay's surprise he tore it in two and a small
brown package came falling out. Ron picked it up and sat
down in front of Jay. "This is something I wrote right after
I left" Ron said, "I think you should publish it". Jay took
the package "what should I say to the fans?" Ron thought for
a minute "they deserve to know the truth. That I'm a coward
who can't deal". "That's not what she said Ronny" Ron
smiled, he hadn't heard that name in a while. "Being strong
is also knowing when to back down" Jay said, "and that's
what you did". Ron got up and went to the window standing
with his back to his brother. Jay didn't know what was
coming, he'd been expecting this for 5 years. He was
remembering the day Ron didn't come home, and that week when
they all waited for some policeman to come tell them they'd
found the body. But there was no body, and they kept
waiting. Fan letters started arriving to Jay's house and to
Nathan's house. And Ron wasn't there. He wasn't there to see
he wasn't alone anymore. And now after all this. "I don't
know how to apologize to you" Ron's back said "and I don't
know how to come back". Jay knew he couldn't ask his brother
to come home "whenever you're ready to get back - I'll be
here, we'll be here. You know that". Ron turned around to
face his brother, he couldn't go back yet but he couldn't
run away anymore, he needed to speak again. Needed to
listen.