When nothing in your life makes absolutely any sense, it is
imperative for any human being to connect the dots. When you
feel you are losing control, you have to fight with
something or someone in order to gain control of your life.
The big problem is you have to win each combat in this war
with yourself.
As a mental patient and a subject of this disease, I feel
that my brain has an auto defense mechanism which sounds
voices in my head. The meaning of all these voices is the
same, connecting the dots. When I am experiencing these
sorts of psychoses sometimes it's a great deal of fun.
Everything makes sense, even the random billboard on the way
to work. But one has to ask himself, why am I making all of
this happen? If it is all me, and being in that state of
mind can make anyone loose his grip on reality, why am I
doing all of this to myself?
When I think about it hard all I can say is this: "ordinary
life is just way too boring...".
Every day and every minute I have to work, socialize, and
see ignorant average people everywhere I go. This kind of
stuff can make any smart man angry. Seeing stupidity all
around, in politics, in the media and even just walking on
the streets of the city or driving a car somewhere, for
someone that has a different perspective on life and what
matters in it, stumbling upon stupid people every day can
make you a little insane. But no one likes insane people, so
I start making up all sorts of meanings to every little
thing. These kind of little meanings makes the horrific
routine of working under idiots at workplace, living under
the power of idiots in politics and last but not least
having idiots as your friends, the little meanings makes it
all bearable. And everyone, even me, wants to live a
bearable life. And my guess is that this is my brain's
chemical way of making it all happen.
So every time I feel that the idiots have too much of
influence on me, I make up other random character, smart
character, an alien, government agent, someone from the
matrix, whatever. All of this in order to be able to live
quiet and peacefully among the bunch of idiots who surround
me everywhere I go.
They say that my psychiatric condition occurs only in smart
exceptional people, and the best example is the known noble
prize award winner, john Nash. But even smart people don't
want to get lost inside their own mind. So I have developed
a method to gain maximum control over my feelings. The
method is the following: exposing myself, in purpose, to
certain contents (images, sounds, movies and video games)
contents I already know like the back of my hand, and
adjusting my mood and thoughts by the known affect these
contents tend to have on me.
This method requires a variety of contents, all of which is
now very accessible to everyone through the World Wide Web.
When doing so I can decide exactly when I want to be happy,
sad, angry, calm, and when I decide the mood I want to be
in, I just press play on the DVD that I know will get me
there.
The system works pretty well, and I can choose my mental
state at any time thanks to my iPod, but when I realized
that I am doing so, things looked a lot less real. It all
feels a little robotic.
What is a random smile if I can choose the precise moment it
happens? What is the point of felling sad, if I can turn it
off in the blink of an eye? This feeling of total control is
a lot more severe than the feeling of no control which I
miss every single day.
That is the reason I am writing this article. People should
embrace the feeling of no control and not fear it. I have
gotten to a point when there is only one place I can go in
order to lose control, the ocean.
Only when I float between the waves, hearing nothing other
than the sounds of the ocean, not swimming in any direction,
only then I can have total serenity.  Please do yourself a
big favor and do not use this method unless you are having a
nervous breakdown during a mental psychosis, it doesn't do
any good to gain full control over your thoughts and
emotions.
I want nothing more than to lose control. In my case I feel
it is a lost cause, but there are others like me, they walk
among you every day, smart unusual teenagers who don't do
very well in school because they just don't understand the
point of the education system. Bright Kids who prefer
spending time in cyber space and MMORPG's over the real
life. Not because it's better, because it's more
understandable. It just makes more sense.
Please try to stop being so stupid so they won't get to
where I am. It's not a pretty sight seeing everything so
clearly. I wish it was all just a vanilla sky, and not a
lucid dream that is the life that I am now living.