Some experts believe the Internet was born in 1969, and was
then part of the US military, at the time, a young
voluptuous blonde who went by the nickname of Arpanet.
Others will point to the birth of the World Wide Web in 1994
as the real birth of the Internet. But they will also tell
you, that three months is an Internet year, which would make
the Internet a 28-year-old lady. Everyone agrees that the
Internet is not a spring chicken any more, but up until last
week everyone also agreed about another fact.

The Internet, home to billions of pages depicting every type
of sexual activity the human mind can imagine, was a virgin.
Pastors and teachers have been using the Internet for years
now as a role model. A ''young'' modern successful woman
that has chosen to follow the route all Americans (and
third-world residents) should strive for before they are
married - the road of abstinence.  Imagine their shock,
revulsion and grief, when the ''Greenpoint Gazette''
reported last week that since January the Internet has been
involved in a passionate sexual relationship with a
mysterious East Williamsburg man.

Not much is known about Vintage U. Deals, the Internet 's
31-year-old lover. Now, for the first time since the world
was shocked at discovering its beloved internet is not so
wholesome anymore, The National Inquirer brings you a
profile of the man our entire nation is curious about,
straight from the loving lips of his beautiful girlfriend -
Y'all Hennessey.

Vintage grew up in the Middle East. The Middle East is that
place where all the Arab Americans come from. This helps
explain Vintage's animal passion and his rough manners, even
though you must remember that not all Arab-Americans will
always be rough and animal-like. When Vintage first came to
America, he did very well for himself. Vintage studied in
Cornell University and it seemed like he was destined for a
great future as an architect.

But somewhere along the way things started to stray from the
yellow brick road for Vintage (or Vinny as hid friends
sometimes call him). It is hard to tell if Vintage's
Middle-Eastern mentality was what caused him to lose his
focus, and start investing too much time in buying vinyl and
listening to reggae music. It might be racist, or not
politically correct, to assume that some Arab-American
influences caused him to become what he is today. But then
again it might not.

The Vintage of today is just as different from the young
innocent student of 10 years ago, as the sex fiend, now
known as the ''Whoreternet'', is different from the
girl-next-door Internet of the last Millennium. Vintage is
rumored to own one or several pornographic websites with
hardcore content. His girlfriend told our reporters, that he
is also in the process of purchasing additional domain
names, which he plans to use for world domination and for
overthrowing traditional media and promoting anarchy
worldwide. With tears in her eyes, Y'all told us of the
strange tendency Vintage has for beastiality, and of his
''special'' relationship with his dog, Ziva. A bizarre side
story, which our reporters have not been able to confirm,
claims that Vintage's alter-ego, a lesbian singer named
Pollyanna Frank, has written a love song about the dog.

Y'all was calmer when she had told us about the horrible
night the entire nation has come to know as the deflowering
night.
''He went upstairs, and took the leather saddle with him,''
she recounted, ''the dogs didn't follow, which seemed kind
of weird, but I didn't think much of it''. She took a drag
from a Marlboro light and continued, ''The sounds were
normal. No talking. Just very loud, uneven tapping on the
keyboard. When he came downstairs I could tell something
happened. He looked distracted and accidentally didn't
recycle a can of dog food. Later, that night I went upstairs
and discovered the saddle. It was covered with blood!"

To be continued

First time publishing of the real story about how the
internet lost its virginity to a 31 year old Israeli man
(written Feb 2001)