This is where I am now. It is not a place that existed, but
maybe it will.

3 years has passed since I forgot. What I forgot I don't
know, but I know it was important, and I know that I have
never been the same since.

Once I was smarted, once I had a mind that was down to
earth, I knew the answers to everything that was logical.
But now it only confuses me, now I only look for beauty, and
I have found it. I know what it should be, and I know it is
blue, but I don't know where it is.

This is my last year at school, and after that I will be
free to find, and to create that beauty which I seek.

So again, this is my last year of school, and I am 17 years
old, unlike before, but in different ways, I am still the
same.
And as I did for a long time, after school, I go to a
different place, and draw, or sometimes write, but whatever
it is I do, I will create art, there has not been a single
time I didn't do it.

This time it's a tree, an old tree next to a café,
which has suffered, it had lost its brunches because hey
were growing into the building.
I have got to the café, and I was planning, just as
the last few times I have been there, to sit in the same
place I did before, and draw the tree form the same angle.

And this is when it happened, the moment that will change my
life forever again, just like the last time, the time I
forgot. So here I go.

This time there is a problem, not a very major one, but
still a problem. There is someone sitting next to the table
that I wanted to sit next to. All I can see at this moment
is her curly hair. What will I do?
Well, she isn't sitting at the place that I want to, just
next to it, so maybe she wouldn't mind, or could move to
another table.

I approached her, and said "excuse me."
She turned to me, and what I saw was the thing that I was
looking for all of these years. She was the most beautiful
girl I have ever seen, maybe not by international standards,
maybe there are "better looking" women out there, but she is
the first thing I have ever seen that was perfect for me,
and her eyes were blue.
"Yes?" she said
And for what seemed like an hour, I was amazed. It feels
like I've felt like that before, it was so nostalgic, but I
couldn't remember anything that was like this, I only had
that feeling.
I dosed off as fast as I can, probably only three seconds
have passed. "I'm sorry, but can I sit here?" I wanted to
explain why, but words failed to come out of my mouth.
"Err... ok." She said, and my heart which was beating faster
than ever before, has slowed down, although just for a bit.
I sat down, and said "you see that tree there." I pointed
and she looked. "I'm drawing it, and for the last week I've
been doing it from this place, so I really need to sit
here."

This is where this story begins, but I wish that it would
end in a predictable way, where I don't lose the most
important thing I have ever had in my life. A place of
memories, memories of good things, memories of bad things
and a very important memory, a memory which I forgot.

She asked to see the drawing, and of course I did so, ii was
going to continue it anyway. It was still sketchy and far
from being complete, but she really loved it.

And now she is gone, and I am sitting here, realizing that I
have not even asked her name. I didn't draw anything and it
was getting late.
She said she will be here tomorrow as well. So I have
nothing to do but wait.

I need to think, I have to reflect upon my own thoughts. It
is something that I have to do, and now more than ever.
There was only one place for that, my garden.

I reached the 5 meter wall, and I climbed the tree, I fell
down, and the mattress caught me. Now I am lying on the
branch, with the flat pillows that I have put there so many
years ago.
My eyes are closed, and now...

Now I am going to remember, for the second time in my life,
but this time, nothing is going to erase it, and who knows
why.

I remember, I see an image, and in that image, I am lying on
this bench, just like I am now, but I was looking at a
picture, and it was blue, and I know that I have felt this
way before. Yes, I know where I felt it too, I felt it
earlier, in the café.


School time again, math, boring, I already know those
things. I only have two things on my mind, and they are both
blue. I must see the one I can, I once see it again, and I
must do it soon.
After this class I will sneak out, and I will go to that
café, and if she won't be there, I'll just draw until
she'll arrive.

I have always, since I began going to places, created art,
until yesterday, what does it mean? I don't know, but I have
a feeling I have to make a mistake, and I will make it. If
only we could avoid mistakes, wouldn't life be ever better?

So here I am, drawing, and as I am drawing, I hear a voice,
it is saying "Hey, may I interrupt?"
Looking up, I see her face. And my heart freezes, then
speeds up.
"Sure, not doing anything too important, only my second most
favorite thing in the world."

She was already sitting, and she even had a drink, how long
was she there without me noticing?

"I could see it's important to you, you didn't even notice
when I sat down and ordered a drink. You were completely
immerged in your drawing."
"Yeah, I do that sometimes, sorry."
"It's ok. If that's your second favorite thing, can I know
what your first is?"
"I still don't know if I can tell you, and if I will, then
you would be the first one to know."
"You sound interesting, I hope you'll fid me fit to your
secret sometime."
She smiled, and I was puzzled, I almost and completely
forgot.
"Oh, by the way, you didn't tell me your name yet."
"It's Leusena."
"That's an unusual and pretty name."
"Thanks, my parents are the creative type, they thought I
deserved a name that only I would have."
"They did a good job."

For the next hour we sat and talked, and then we walked a
bit.

I have read, In an old mythology, that 'Leu" means luck,
'Sen' is a name of an instrument that gives normal humans
powers that were beyond them, and "Ah" was the name of the
power that every living being has, that is used to power
those instruments. I wonder if it has anything to do with
her name.

One thing that I come to be more sure of, as I spend more
time with her, is that she is the one person I want to share
my secret yet, but I'm not sure yet, hopefully I will be
soon.


It has been over a month since I've met her, and he more I
am with her, the more I want to be with her. But also, I
want to be in my garden, to enjoy it. Because it is still my
most precious place.
One day when I was with her, I suddenly wanted to go to my
garden. I said "I have to see my secret." And so I went.
Once I've reached there, I realized I missed her. So I went
out and found her.

My biggest mistake ever is about to happen, and I will
forever regret it, for all my life.

I have fond her, I took her next to the wall, and I stared
at her eyes. My heart is now beating faster than ever
before, so fast, that I think it will explode any moment
now.
"What is it?" she said.
"I..." I opened my mouth to speak, but my heart beat was
getting faster as I did.
"My secret... I'm ready to share it."
She looked very surprised "I'm so glad, where is it?"
"It's right behind this wall, you'll have to climb this
tree."

I helped her up, and we both fell down.
For the first time in my life, I have seen someone else in
this garden of mine.
The joy of sharing it with someone else, someone who I care
for so much, is almost beyond my words.

For the next two weeks, we have spent nearly all of our time
in the garden, but afterwards, we had met less and les
often. In the beginning, it was only a day or two less a
week, but then it was two days, and three, and then four and
I knew that something was wrong.

"How come we don't meet as often as we did?"
"I guess, that in the beginning, I just waned more, I needed
to know you better, but now, It feels like we're together
too much."
"So, you want a break, not to see me? Am I not good
enough?"
"It's not like that..."
"Maybe, but I want to make sure, let's take a break, I want
to do some thinking."


And that's it, just like that, my most important thing, my
most happy times and all I had in my heart, were broken,
were taken away, were stolen.

I could tell you the story, but I would only bore you. It's
enough to say, that from that moment on, the garden was not
my garden anymore, and in later months, more people would
know of it, and it would attract enough attention for
important people to know about it. the walls will be broken,
and everyone will know my garden. MY GARDEN! MY GARDEN!

Sadness, depression, hate, fear, anger, loneliness, these
are the things that would rule my life from that moment on,
forever, until I'll find the last thing I will ever call my
own, the last thing I will ever have, the last thing that
would bring me joy. And it would come in a very far, in a
very distant future, and it would take me a long time to
accept it.

Until then, I have to go, I have to go and lose myself.
So long.
-CoLD.