Is this really mean that I'm always have to be the victim?
It certainly feels like that.
It is easy to be irrational, especially when you have such
strong feelings to a person as I do.
Sometimes you just don't think, and when you do try to
think, you don't care.
Its not about thinking about the future, and about what will
happen if you'll act in a certain way. Sometimes you just
don't care. Cause you know your not living for yourself
right now, your living for your loves, and the one that you
desire is a part of it.
Its hard. It is so hard to truly understand that your
actually living for someone else, to know, that your heart
is not just yours anymore, you're not the one and only
person that is in charge of you, in charge of your body,
mind, and soul.
He's in your head, constantly.
you feel him in your heart, in every smile, eye contact, the
smallest movement there is,
the poetry that his eyes writes to you is so much more than
just words, its as if you can sense his whole soul through
one eye sight.
the physical attraction you have towards him is unbearable.

He's in your body, mind and soul.
It is easy to be irrational. Its easy to be irrational when
you cant think of anything else other than your dreams, your
hope, your feelings. When you just don't have anything else
other than that, you don't have or know any other way than
acting 'irrationally'.
"stop being such a drama queen!" he says. Stupid me. I don't
think he could even understand why I'm acting the way I am,
and even if he knew, I don't think he could understand why
I'm doing this, its beyond him.
People need reasons to everything in life, to every act, to
every feeling, every word, every beat your heart beats, for
them its not enough. He wanted reasons as well. Reasons for
my acts. And even if he knew, he couldn't understand, so why
am I even trying? Why am I even trying to put into words the
stuff that I'm too afraid to feel? Why try to explain the
reasons that I spend night and day avoiding?
Its hard to explain, when every small fragile defect makes
your heart die.
Its hard to explain, that when you try the most not to, you
end up crying, and it seems as if you do it without any
reason at all.
Its hard to explain, that when he says the smallest thing,
you don't know how to handle it, you feel confused, broken,
dead, and then you cry. The smallest word made you do it.
So you are a "drama queen". Maybe so, yet I cant think about
something that can hurt you more when people misjudge your
purest emotions.
There's nothing worse than that. Yet it happens more and
more,
am I the only one who ever felt like this?
So I find solace in music, but I cant stop feeling
wretched.
So I feel someone understand me trough the lyrics, but I
cant stop feeling wretched.
So, he finally called my cell phone, but I cant.
The victim. Of my heart, my mind, my body.
I keep on trying to escape from it but it chains me. Maybe
it's the result of years of loneliness?
This is 'my alone'.
Is this really mean that I'm always have to be the victim?

"Reclaim my life you said?'
"Now?"
But it is so hard.

"People who need people are the wretchedest people in the
world".