I lock my self in the shower, close the window and turn on
the stream of hot water. Anyone would think that I am just
taking a shower, but the real observer would notices I
didn't bring a towel.
I wash my self. Inside out- I don't miss a thing; brush my
teeth while I'm in the shower- like I always loved to do. I
shave every hair off my legs, and then higher to the
infamous 'bikini line'- not missing a single hair there.
Saving the lighter hair on my belly; then I move on to my
arm pits.
Then my whole left arm, moving the razor to the other hand-
shaving my right arm.
Suddenly I see myself as Bob Geldof. I step out of the bath
and stand in front of the mirror and start shaving my hair.
I don't have a pair of scissors to cut my long hair- so I do
it all with the razor. Then I'm bald; I move my hands over
my new-found head, and love it! I decide to do the whole
thing, and not have a single hair on me. I'm starting to
feel dizzy already so I need to hurry a little. I shave off
my eye brows, careful not to injure myself. I leave my eye
lids alone, as a metaphor of my life.
I go back in to the bath, standing under the water, with my
eyes closed. Spinning around and around. Smiling. I feel so
tired and so beautiful. I'll just lay back, and think last
thoughts. Not the WB style of thoughts, just simple things.
Then I start to sing to myself, the first song that came to
my head. Even if it didn't suit the occasion;
all eyes on the calendar
another year I claim of total indifference
to here the days pile up
with decisions to be made
I'm sure all of them were wrong
into this song, I send myself
and with these drinks I plan to collapse and forget
this wasted year
these wasted years
devoted friends, they disappear
I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
some decisions you don't make
I guess it's like breathing and not wanting to
there are some things that you can't fake
I guess that it is typical
to cling to memories you'll never get back again
and to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago
or a friend that you used to know
and there, below...
At that point I loose my ability to breath. I feel my
defaulted-lungs straggling for the next breath- as if I was
sitting on the window ledge. Detached, losing grip of life-
all I want is to go to sleep. Just to sleep. To sleep, to
die. Nothing mattered. Nothing existed.