I knew I shouldn't fall in love with you. More then that, I
knew I cant fall in love with you. I mustn't...
I knew it would be the worst mistake to. But no one can
command his feelings, and since the first moment I realized
I fell for you I understood that it will not end good.
If it only was some one else. If only it wasn't him.
But it had to be him, the best friend... I thought things
like this happen only in movies- I was wrong.
The firts time you told me I LOVE YOU I didn't understand
what you meant. I just could not perceive it... but then I
got it. I found myself between you, the one I love more then
anything on earth, and the guy who has been my friend for
eleven years.
The firs thing I felt I have to do was to go and tell him,
tell him what I feel and what you tolled me. But I didn't. a
few days later when I came over his house he told me that he
thought the relationship between you and him was falling
apart, only he didn't know why... I knew, and I didn't tell
him. I told him to give it some time, tried to give advice.
I knew I mustn't let you and him break up at any cost.
It wasn't tong until you broke up with him. Two weeks may
be. And he still didn't know. It took me a long time to get
myself together and talk to him. But by that time he already
knew ITS WRITTEN ALL OVER YOU he said. From that day we
practically didn't talk to each other for five months.
I remember the first time you kissed me. It was Sunday.
About ten minutes before I had a math test. That was the
point when I completely lost the ability to think clearly,
and I don't think I gained it back yet.
From that point on I remember only fragments. I remember the
Sunday night when you tried to cut your wrists and he found
you, and the Monday morning after that... I remember the
Tuesday a week later, the New Year of 2003, when you tried
it again, I remember the party, you getting drunk, and most
of all, the morning of the next day. I remember the day
after I came from Poland... In the euphoria I thought you
will finally be mine. As usual I was wrong.
I also remember the day you turned cold as ice. I should
have known right away what was coming. I remember a couple
of days later, when he called me, and in his grim voice he
told me that we need to talk. That was the point when I knew
It was over.
I knew what he was going to say and how I was going to
react. I remember the next day also. When you and I sat on
the grass at school and talked. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS WANT
ME TO BE AROUND, NOT TO WANT ME, you said, and I said that I
can't stop wanting the thing that could make my life
perfect...
Now I'm home. The concert at the pool is over, I'm sitting
in the dark and cant get you out of my head. During the
whole evening I couldn't look. Seeing you in his arms drives
me out of my mind... I know it sounds bad,  but if I could
would kill him. I'm not going to Rishon. Not that I dint
have the money. I just don't think I can stand seeing you
together tight now.
It's four a.m. now. I'm out of cigarettes and the beer is
wearing off. I don't know what will happen in the future...
who knows, may be there is still hope, a chance may be...