Death was standing on the hard wooden floor of Adeline's
house. He looked elegant and attractive, with shiny black
hair that seemed like a liquid being poured on his head. His
eyes, like endless pools of oil, looked intensely at her,
not quavering from her face. He wore a black suit, with
black pants and black leather shoes. His face was
exceptionally white, though. Adeline shivered under his
penetrating look. She had no real clue it was Death looking
at her, standing so stiff and sure in her home, but the
chill surrounding her as she looked at him and the darkness
which seemed to radiate off him like light does from a lamp
made little room for her to mistake him for anyone else. And
then he spoke, and his breath froze the air.
"Do you like this suit?" he asked, his voice sounded like
hail falling on a frozen lake, "I know black is very
cliché for my job, but I thought I looked kind of
snappy in it."
Adeline's knees suddenly loosened, and she softly tumbled to
the floor. She wasn't afraid of death, but she was very
startled to see him in person.
"It's fine" she said with an uncertain tone, a little smile
developing on the edges of her mouth.
Death took a deep breath, his eyes still fixed tight on
Adeline, and as he did so life itself seemed to be sucked
away from the world. Then he breathed out, turned, and
walked to a nearby chair. He sat down quietly, and seemed in
deep thought. Then he turned to her again.
"You know why I'm here, I suppose"
Adeline didn't know, but she didn't mind guessing.
"You-you've come to claim me?" she asked, rising off the
floor and standing again, feeling very naked and exposed in
front of Death, even though she had her nightgown on. Death
broke into a laughter that sounded like a car skidding over
fresh ice.
"No, no," he said finally, when the laughter died down, "I
don't do that sort of thing, that's just in stories."
Adeline stared at him, even more bewildered than before.
"What's your job, then?" she asked, feeling a little
bolder.
Death seemed a bit surprised by the sudden question, but
also very eager to answer it.
"As my name suggests, I'm in charge of death," he said,
sounding as official as Adeline imagined Death could sound,
"I don't claim people, or decide who goes and who stays.
People have the liberty to choose. I just guide them in the
afterlife for a while."
He smiled at her. She gasped, suddenly, and looked wide eyed
at him.
"So am I already dead??" she asked, rubbing herself to get
warmer and realizing it might be futile anyway.
"No, you're not." Death said, looking pleased with the
direction the conversation had taken, "not yet, anyway. But
you might be, soon. I decided to make an exception with you
and appear before you while you're still breathing."
"Why did you do that??" she asked, getting a bit angry.
"You know why." He said, looking sharply at her, the smile
gone from his face. "I've had enough of people killing
themselves and dropping on my doorstep. And I've seen you
for quite a while. With you it will be different."
Adeline was furious.
"What the hell do you mean?! We have a choice! You said so
yourself! You can't tell me whether or not I should die!"
she took a few sturdy steps towards him. He stood up
suddenly, and a strong current of wind burst through a
window. She stopped walking and looked at him, still angry
but not as confident.
"I'm afraid the situation is more complicated then you might
think." Death said, and he walked towards the window and
stared outside, into the dark night that seemed to get
darker as he looked into it. "This isn't just about you."
Adeline wouldn't have it. She didn't want to hear what he
had to say. It was HER life, and she wanted to end it. She
didn't know who this concerned, and didn't care to find
out.
"Leave!" she yelled and pointed to the door. "I'm not
interested."
Death raised his slender black eyebrows and looked at her.
"I'm not exactly inquiring if you are. You don't have a
choice. I chose you, and you don't like it, but that's
life... or death, as the case may be." He chuckled.
"I don't find this the least bit funny. You arrive here,
uninvited, lead me to believe that I'm dead, and then tell
me I'm not dead but you have something in store for me, that
I do not want. I'm sorry, but I won't cooperate."
"As I've said, you don't really have a choice. It won't take
much cooperation on your side to do what I want to, and
after that it's up to you."
"I don't care."
"You will."
"I won't. And you don't scare me.
"Good, I wasn't trying to." He said.
He was getting awfully close to her now, and she could feel
his cold breath.
"I-I'll walk out if you don't... I have no problem walking
out at this hour, you probably know. Maybe I'll run into
some serial killers."
"None of that will happen. I've altered reality, nothing
will harm you now."
She looked at him incredulously, with a crooked smile on her
face.
"I think you overestimate your powers," She said. "You're
saying that if I jump out the window now, on the seventh
floor, nothing will happen to me?"
Death smiled again, and looked deeply into her eyes. This
close to him she felt like he was inside her, figuring her
out better than she ever could.
"Oh, something will happen. You'll probably break every bone
in your body and be unconscious for a while, but you'll be
alive... and you'll heal. But why stop there? You could try
shooting yourself. And when you do, the bullet will somehow
miss every vital organ. 'It's a miracle!' the doctors will
tell you in the healing ward. Should I keep going?"
Adeline frowned at him.
"Sit down, be comfortable," he said, "All I want is your
attention for a little bit. I'm not giving you a choice, but
hearing me out might make you feel better about the little
experiment we are about to conduct."
He raised a finger and a sofa on the far side of the room
slowly slid towards her. Still frowning, she sat down on it
and waited to hear whatever useless nonsense Death himself
has so generously decided to share with her.
"You see," he began, as he sat down gently back into the
chair, "being death isn't a very easy job, and by that I
don't mean physically... as physical things can get when
you're dead, anyway. It's a very frustrating and nerve
racking job, since, as death, I am pretty much the only
being who sees the very core of souls. Even the higher
powers don't see them the way I do, and believe me, they
don't want to. When people die and come to me I see them as
their soul wants to be seen. Sometimes it's a beautiful
sight, because the human soul is the purest form of the life
force. It's nothing I can really describe with words, but
it's a feeling of utter happiness. However, when a soul is
corrupted, it's a sight that would give nightmares to every
living person on the planet."
"What's that got to do with me?"
"Don't interrupt and you'll find out... See, the times when
a vision of a soul is most disturbing is when it's been sent
to the afterlife ahead of it's time, meaning the person it
belonged to was killed. If it was an accident of some sort,
the vision of the soul is bearable, you could say it
accepted its fate, but if it was murdered, the soul is so
terribly tormented that to look at it is like to look at the
destruction of all creation... like a black hole, consuming
emotions and feelings. And when the person committed suicide
it's the worst. The soul is caught between a natural will to
stay in the living realm and a virus-like sadness and
despair that envelops the soul and mutilates it. The sight
of that... the murdered soul, the sadness corruption... it's
my hell. I may be death, but that doesn't mean I can bear
such things. I was human once, you know."
"I'm not sure I care all that much."
"Don't be so obnoxious. Death isn't an entity that has
existed forever, unlike many other beings in the universe.
Death is a specific assignment for our world. Possibly other
worlds, I'm not sure. The point is that this job is a
punishment to certain people on earth in each generation,
who have sinned terribly."
"A punishment?"
"Surely you understand why this is a punishment after what
I've said. When the higher powers believe I have been
redeemed they will find a replacement. But this being a
punishment, I can't run away, or quit. Like you, I'm here
without a say in the matter."
"So if you know it's wrong, why do it to me?"
"Because I believe I understand you more than you do. And if
we just try this out, the outcome will be good for both of
us."
"How so?"
"Well if everything goes as planned, you will replenish your
will to live, and I will have finally found a way to heal
tortured souls before I have to look at them directly. I
might be able to rid myself of the pain, and help all those
souls in the process!"
Adeline sat quietly and stared at the darkness. She knew
that it was her fate.
"Why'd you have to come to me?" she said aloud, not really
directing the question to anyone.
He didn't reply. She sighed and looked at the wooden floor.
"You'll do it, then?" Death suddenly asked.
"Well I don't have a choice, do I?"
"No, no you don't. But I thought it would be polite to
ask."
"So... what now?"
"We begin the experiment." He said, and remained standing as
motionless as he was when she had first seen him. Nothing
was happening.
"So..." she said, making sure Death saw her puzzled
expression that she hoped would help him understand she had
no idea what was going on.
"What were you expecting, special effects? I can make some
smoke or flashes if you like. The result will be the same."
"I don't mind the special effects, or lack thereof, what I
care about is what the hell am I supposed to do??"
"Oh, right! We never did get to that part!"
"I know."
"Well, if you'd just follow me to your bedroom."
He then started walking casually towards Adeline's bedroom.
She really wasn't fond of the fact that he knew the way. She
slowly walked behind him, a bit curious, but mostly nervous
about what she'd find when they'd get there. He slowly
opened the bedroom door, which creaked slightly. Not enough
to wake anyone up but quite enough to be eerie. Death then
moved aside and let Adeline examine her bedroom.
It was all as she'd left it earlier. The dark purple
curtains were closed to reveal nothing but a small crack
between them, through which a soft transparent white light
slid from outside. Her dresser was in place, with the
clothes she had worn earlier thrown across it in a way that
couldn't possibly imply order. Her carpet was as soft as
she'd remembered and seemed quite intact. Every other
ornament or piece of furniture in the room was unchanged.
Except her bed. There was definitely something different
with the bed. For one thing, Adeline was in it.


Adeline gaped at herself, lying in the bed, and only after a
minute or two realized her mouth was hanging open. She
snapped it shut and slowly crept closer.
"It's... it's..." she tried saying.
"It's you." Death said. Adeline wasn't looking at him but
she knew he was smiling. She was beginning to think he was
enjoying this whole thing more than she thought he should.
"Did we go back in time or something?" she managed to say.
"Oh no, its still three minutes past four AM. I've just
altered reality. That person over there is you."
"She isn't me! I'M me!" Adeline said frantically and started
pacing beside the bed.
"She IS you. She's just the Adeline Richards who didn't wake
up at half past three tonight for a glass of water and ran
into me."
"But... but... how?"
"Oh for the love of god... You're talking to Death! By now
I'd thought you would realize I can do things like this!
Look, it's very simple, she is you in every way with the
exception that she does not want to end her life. The very
concept of suicide is oblivious to her. That's where you
come in. I've taken you... the real you, to a higher plane
of existence, so we can, together, review your life."
"Sort of like 'The Christmas Carol'?"
"In a way, I guess... but with a potentially grimmer ending.
And there won't be any other spirits who visit you. You
decide where you want to go, what you want to relive, and
we'll go there. If you want, you can stay in the present and
see what happens to the Real World Adeline. At some point
later it will be time for the test. After having seen
elements of your life from a different point of view, you
will have, for the first and last time, the choice of
committing suicide."
"I thought you were going to stop me from doing it..."
"I'm not doing anything but my ordinary job, guiding you
through this. Life will show you whatever it has in store
for you. The choice of life or death is the whole point of
the experiment. If, by watching your life, you see that
there is more to life, and spare yourself, this will be over
and your soul will be healed. But, if it all fails and you
are still bent on self-destruction, you will be suddenly
revealed to the Real World Adeline. To kill yourself you
will have to kill her, and see her eyes as she looks upon
you with fear and terror. You will see her soul as I would
see her soul. If you can still commit the murder with that
gaze of fear upon you... well, you earned your right to end
your life. I will not do a thing to stop you."
There was silence in the room. Only Real World Adeline's
silent, steady breath was heard. Adeline had nothing to say.
She was afraid now. Afraid and bitter. The reason people can
kill themselves so easily is because they don't have to look
at themselves while they're doing it. But now she would have
to literally murder herself to end her life. She didn't know
if she had it in her, but she was still quite certain that
she'd try by the end of it all.
"Did I mention this wasn't fair?" She said quietly.
"By the time all this ends you will thank me. You'll see."
Adeline walked out of the room silently, sneaking a look at
the bed from the corner of her eye. Death followed her just
as silently, and leaned against the corridor wall.
"So what now?" He asked, again sounding annoyingly casual.
"Well, it's still early in the morning, so we have nothing
to wait around here for, yet. You said we could go back in
time, right?"
"Right. In a way. This will merely be a third person vision
of the past for you. You won't be able to change anything
there just as you can't now. You're not on the same plane."
"Yes, yes, I got that."
Adeline leaned on the opposite wall of the corridor and
stared blankly at Death's shoes. The situation she was in
was finally dawning on her. But she accepted it. In fact,
she was quite proud of how she was feeling. She wasn't as
hysterical as she imagined she should be under the
circumstances, and she received it all... gracefully, was
the word she chose. It was time to be practical. She just
had to think logically. She'd have to prove to Death that
she "deserved" killing herself. She wasn't just doing it for
herself. Death had said that people have the choice of
ending their life. She didn't like the idea of Death
interfering with the natural or supernatural course of
things just because he didn't happen to like what he was
doing. She'd make him regret he ever chose her for the
experiment. And she knew he would, because she remembered
well what had happened to her. But then, there was the
tiniest feeling inside of her. This little itch in the mind
that made her fear what Death knows. He DID choose her, so
what did he know that she didn't? No matter, she thought.
I'll prove it to him.
"Well", she said, looking up from the floor, stared death
right in his eyes of darkness, and as she felt lost in them
continued, "I suppose we could just get a vision of my past.
Maybe the most relevant time would be the day all my
troubles started."
"We're on our way..."
"Don't you need a date?"
"We're not in a time machine, you know. I can just read your
mind to know where to go."
"Ah... right." The thought of Death reading her mind gave
her the creeps. What did he know? And what would he know
sooner or later?
Her train of thought was suddenly cut when the walls of her
home started to melt away in a swirling glowing blur, and
the ceiling suddenly grew infinitely wide and high and took
on a blue hue. Even though everything was a mess, Adeline
could feel that day come again. She could feel what would
happen by the time that day ended.
"I'm afraid." She said aloud, unsure if it concerned Death,
and unsure if she wanted his sympathy.
"Don't be." He said. "You'd be surprised what you notice in
life when you're not the one living it."
The sun was suddenly glowing and it made death's hair look
even oilier than it had been before. A Street appeared like
a train out of nothingness, and the world of the past came
to be. Adeline recognized her apartment building. Apparently
she and Death were hovering in the air. Slowly they hovered
towards the house, and passed through its walls as if to a
cave behind a waterfall. Adeline saw herself again. Past
Adeline was in her bed, sleeping. She had so much color in
her hair, and Adeline was sure that it wasn't just the sun
seeping through the window. The past Adeline was beautiful.
Her heart suddenly started to beat faster, and she took a
deep breath. She wasn't very prepared to see herself that
way, although she'd always remembered that that's who she
was. It seemed like such a long time ago to her, it was like
another life. That wasn't too far from the truth.
She fell against the wall and slid down looking wide-eyed at
Past Adeline, still sleeping so soundly in her bed.
"There must be some mistake," Death suddenly said, "My mind
reading must be a bit off. This can't be right. She looks
different."
Adeline gave Death a harsh look, even though he was staring
at the bed and didn't notice it. With all his mind reading
and plans, not to mention the fact he'd already mentioned
it, Adeline knew Death had been observing her for quite a
while. He knew this was the right date, he was so precise it
scared her. He was playing with her. No, "playing" is the
wrong word. He was serious about all this. He was acting
calm and cool, but she knew it was important to him. If half
of what he described was true, there is no entity in
existence who wouldn't want to find a way to avoid it, and
he wasn't exactly denying it. It was a part of his own
section of the experiment, a part which apparently she
didn't know about, she decided. Maybe he just couldn't
understand her, despite all his intrusive activities. He
wanted to get her talking, to spill her guts about her life
and her pain. He probably thought it would change the
outcome. The fool.
It occurred to her then that he might be reading her mind
again, but she didn't really care. She couldn't allow
herself to care. She couldn't stop her mind from thinking,
especially since all this began, and worrying about what
Death might or might not have heard would drive her crazy,
if that even meant anything anymore.
Yeah, you heard me. You're a fool if you think you can
change me.
If Death had heard her thoughts, he showed no sign of it.
Either way, she decided to play along with him. Act as if he
didn't already know the answers to her questions. Besides,
in a way it made her feel good. She'd never talked about
these things to anyone. She didn't have anyone. She would've
liked to believe that she was outwitting Death in his own
game, but nothing could shake the feeling she had that she
was simply playing her part in it.
"No..." She said at last, "You got it just right."
Death gave her a puzzled look.
"Well you do realize, of course, that the pain is greater
when you've known success..." She said.
"Please elaborate." Death said plainly.
She sighed. "If a person was unfortunate and miserable all
his life, he'd probably become something like the Adeline
you created in the real world: A depressed shell of a human
who has no idea what to do with his life. But her..." She
got up and gestured to Past Adeline, who gave a soft sigh
and smiled in her sleep. "She is happy. She has no idea
what's about to happen to her. Happiness begets innocence
and gullibility. It makes the happier people a lot more
vulnerable to failures and they end up being so torn up they
can't possibly find a reason to live and so they choose to
end it."
She looked sharply at death, breathing intensely, waiting
for her words to sink in.
Death nodded and walked to the other side of the bed, where
he stood for a moment and stared at it again. Then he raised
his eyes to Adeline.
"I disagree." He said.
Adeline was starting to say something but he interrupted
her. "Don't get me wrong", he continued, "What you said
makes sense. It makes a lot of sense. But what you're trying
to do is justify your will to commit suicide. Simply put,
that if you had it good and it went bad, it's understandable
if you kill yourself. That's just not true. It's never
justifiable. You're right to say that few people who didn't
know happiness or success commit suicide, but you're
underestimating them. They are nothing like the Adeline I've
left in the real world. They know how to kill themselves,
but they're better than your kind. They don't loose hope.
They keep on living in the knowledge that things could be
better and that someday they might. You just lost hope too
quickly."
They both stared at each other coldly. Of course, Adeline's
cold look couldn't match Death's freezing stare, which made
her feel like she was standing in the core of a snow storm,
and she lowered her eyes.
A moan came from the bed. Past Adeline opened her eyes.
"Did we wake her?" Adeline asked.
"No, remember, this is just a vision. You can't affect or
change anything." Death replied.
Adeline was amazed at the look of Past Adeline's eyes. They
were so colorful and bright, and her eyes were much wider
back then, as if she was more interested with the world.
Adeline realized that Death was probably too late. Something
inside her already died. Her soul had already lost its will
to live, her body was just waiting its turn.
"That is not true", Death said sternly. "That's the despair
I was telling you about. Trust me on this one. Your soul
never wants to die, its whole purpose is to stay in the
world. Don't forget that."
She heeded his words, but again felt the chilling nakedness
being near him.
They both watched as Past Adeline walked out of the bedroom
and into the bath room. They sat in the kitchen and waited
for her to come there. Finally she did, and she still looked
gorgeous. She wore a simple white tee shirt, tight jeans and
black boots. Past Adeline made casual look good. Adeline
remembered that day so vividly now. She watched as her past
self sat at the kitchen table, poured herself some orange
juice and turned on the TV. Adeline's eyes started to get
that strange burning sensation when they're about to start
dripping, and her mouth quivered.
"Don't cry..." Death said, apparently trying to be
sympathetic.
"Crying's all I have left." Adeline said, and wiped her
moist eyes.
"So let it all out, then", Death said, "That's what this
experiment is all about. Talk. Share your feelings. I want
to understand."
"Oh knock it off. You can read my mind."
Death crooked his eyebrows. "I know, what's your point? I
can read thoughts, not emotions. I'll never understand your
sadness if you don't tell me. Besides, letting it all out
might help you."
"You're forgetting I'm not the one who wants help. You
are."
Death didn't say anything. He just turned his head and
looked at Past Adeline. Adeline looked at her too.
"She's so damn stupid." She said finally, her eyes
glittering with newborn tears. "Like I told you. Gullible,
naive. She has no idea that by the end of the week her life
will be in shambles. Right now she has a boyfriend, Roy,
whom she loves very much, and a job. THE job she wanted
since she was little."
"What was it?"
She paused for a few seconds, as Past Adeline was eating a
bagel and flipping through channels on the TV. "It's a
fashion magazine. "It's called 'Stylish'. Ever since I got
an issue of it when I was thirteen I dreamt of being a part
of it. It's essentially all I want to do. Look at clothing
and fashion statements and such, and then express my
thoughts of it. Reviewing art shows and the likes."
Death smiled.
"Don't smile." She said with a trembling voice. "I'm not a
part of it anymore. I lost it all."
Past Adeline picked up her handbag and strolled out the
door, humming a tune to herself. Adeline and Death stayed
sitting at the kitchen table, both thinking.
"Do you want to follow her? See what happens?"
"I know what happens and no, I don't want to follow her. But
I have to."
"You don't have to do anything. You do want to follow her
because if you didn't you wouldn't have even begun this
vision. Whatever your reason is, we're here because you want
to be here."
"Fine. I thought you didn't understand me. You're awfully
confusing."
"There are some things I understand and many things I don't
about you, Adeline, but there are a few rare things that I
don't need to read your mind to figure out."
Death stood up and extended a hand to her.
"Come", he said, "Let's follow her. Tell me more while we
walk."
They walked down the stairs and into the lobby. Then they
walked literally through the front door and into the street.
Past Adeline was walking hastily in the distance, and they
followed her at their own pace.
"Well there's not really much to see right now..." Adeline
said, looking around her as she walked. "Nothing really
relevant to your experiment will happen until tonight."
"What happens tonight?" Death asked.
"I have dinner with Roy."
"That doesn't sound too bad."
"Don't mock my pain!" She yelled suddenly. "It's easy for
you to act so indifferent and easy... this is the second
time I'm going to have to experience moments that I want to
DIE just so I don't have to remember them!"
"I'm just trying to make this easier on you." He said, and
Adeline could hear a tremor in his voice. That outbreak had
caught him off guard. He really didn't get her all that
much, she was sure now.  It didn't really make any
difference when it came down to it, but she felt good
knowing it.
"You can't make this easier on me. The only way this would
be easier is if we went back right now, and you handed me a
loaded pistol. That's what everybody says, isn't it? That
killing yourself is the easy way out. Well there's nothing
wrong with that, is there?"
Again there was a chilling silence between them. She
suddenly didn't feel so good. Death wasn't there as an
adversary, he was trying to help her, and even though help
was beyond her she felt bad snapping at him frequently when
his intentions were good. But he was Death, after all, how
sensitive could he possibly be?
"I'm sensitive enough, believe me. But you are right,
nonetheless. Look, we don't have to watch entire days when
there are only a few things you want to watch again. We can
view the specific events you have in mind. Right now we can
'fast forward' if you like, reach the end of the day, if
you're sure there's nothing important now."
She nodded slightly.
The world changed again. The sun sped its way across the sky
and into its resting place on the horizon, clouds shifted
and melted, winds changed, the moon arose and eased its way
up. Adeline was in her apartment again, which was lighted
only by the shimmering light of a candle on a table set for
two. The air was silent apart from a howl of wind from
outside, playing with the curtains of the living-room
window. Adeline's eyes, hardly given a chance to dry up,
were getting moist again, the candle light reflecting off
their wet surface. A tear slid down her cheek and dripped
off her chin, leaving a wet sparkling trail across her face.
But she didn't complain anymore, or moan or gripe. Something
inside her clicked. She didn't want to be faced with all her
pain again but being so close it, seeing it, as Death said,
from another point of view, it gave her a strange will to
withstand it. Death apparently sensed it too, because he
didn't try to console her. Maybe he knew it would happen all
along. Suddenly she was eager to cooperate with the
experiment, she wanted to go on. Maybe she was a masochist,
she thought, but maybe she wanted the help. No, it wasn't
help, she didn't want help. She was as intent as ever on
killing herself. What she wanted was validation. Validation
that she was making the right choice. To prove to herself,
as well as Death, that there was no other worthwhile way.
Past Adeline suddenly burst in through the door, holding
hands with a young man with black hair and sideburns,
wearing a black leather jacket on a white shirt and jeans.
"That's Roy", Adeline whispered to Death, realizing he
probably knew that.
"Ooh! You made dinner!" Roy said, pulling Past Adeline close
to him and kissing her. They stood that way for a few
minutes, laughing and kissing.
Adeline averted her eyes and put her hand to her face to
suppress a sudden burst of weeping. She quickly relaxed
herself, and wiped her nose with the sleeve of the nightgown
she suddenly noticed she was still wearing.
"I... She met him about a month ago", she said, "Bumped into
him in the shopping center where the offices of 'Stylish'
are. I loved him from the moment I saw him. He made sure I
would. He was so charming and nice, he made me feel like I
was perfect. Naive, foolish girl."
"What did he do to you?" Asked Death, and Adeline sensed he
meant that in more than one way.
"It's partly my fault. I should have added arrogance to the
vices happiness brings.
I was so successful writing for the magazine, from the
moment I arrived there the first time and presented myself I
knew I made an impression. I worked there for five damn
years. I admit I didn't start from the mailroom or wherever
people usually start from in these kinds of stories. I have
a knack for writing - had - I had a yearning for it. The
article I sent the editors as an example knocked them dead,
if you'll pardon the expression, and they immediately made
me an intern for a trial period. I earned every ounce of
respect and reputation I got there. I worked hard, and did
every assignment the best I could. I was happy and arrogant.
As I got more successful and popular, I forgot my initial
love for the magazine. I forgot that I was working for it
and not the other way around."
"What happened?" Death asked, both of them oblivious to Past
Adeline and her boyfriend groping each other on the sofa.
"Frankly I figured I'm worth a lot to the magazine, that I
was keeping it in business, which in retrospect I know was
not true, and I wanted a raise in my salary. A big raise,
which included becoming an assistant editor. They didn't
give me an answer right away, understandably, and I advised
them to approve my request. All this was conceived and fully
supported by Roy. I saw how he believed in me, that I
deserved it, that I earned it. He made me believe in me."
"So what happens now?"
"When my past self finally restrains her hormones and they
start dinner we'll both see. That's what this is all about,
right?"
And so Adeline and Death sat on the floor, leaning on the
wall beneath the window, observing.
"Hang on a sec, lover, I just have to heat up the food. Sit
at the table." Said Past Adeline and walked to the kitchen.
Roy growled in response. Adeline noted the considerable
change in her tone of voice as well, her voice was much more
powerful back then. Everything about her now indicated decay
and despair. After a few minutes Past Adeline returned with
steaming plates in her hands. She swiftly put them on the
table and sat across from Roy.
"This looks great, Linny."
"It is great. I made it didn't I?"
They both started eating, still keeping their eyes on each
other.
"It was great, you know," Adeline said, smelling the meal.
"T-bone steaks, mashed potatoes, salad... my cooking was
definitely at its peek."
"It sure smells great," Death said, smiling.
"We were having so much fun tonight we didn't get a chance
to talk. How was your day?" Past Adeline said, pouring some
wine for herself.
"Same old," Roy said, sliding his glass forward. "I had to
go take pictures of a dog show today. A dog show! I'm tired
of my talent being wasted in that newspaper. I'd get a job
somewhere else if I was sure I could get one."
"I believe in you. You're amazing, and magazines all over
know that. Even my boss knows who you are. He'd be so happy
he'd piss himself if you'd come to work there."
"I'm not sure I want to go just yet. I'll wait a while to
see my options. What about you? Did you talk to your boss
about the raise?"
"Yeah, I did. They didn't give me a reply yet."
After a moment of silence, Roy slammed his hand on the
table.
"Sons of bitches! I'm telling you Linny, they don't
appreciate you there. They'll leave you hanging, waiting for
an answer until your contract is over, and they'll fire you.
You're their best writer, make them regret forgetting
that."
"You know, I'm not so sure, maybe I am asking for too
much..."
"Linny", Roy said, sliding his chair next to Past Adeline's
and wrapped his arm around her. "Thinking like that will get
you nowhere. They're counting on you thinking like that,
they like their position of power. Make them see you're not
just another writer to exploit. Quit your job tomorrow. Show
them who you are. You can easily get a job somewhere else."
"Are you sure...?"
He looked into her eyes, a warm smile spread on his face,
and he kissed her.
"I believe in you." He said.
Adeline's heart, already in pieces, somehow managed to break
again. She felt an ache in her stomach like she wanted to
through up. She lowered her head and coughed, the floor
under her face getting stained with tears and saliva. Death
patted her back.
"Take me back! Take me back!" Adeline screamed so loudly her
throat burned. "Take me back! Take me back! Take me BACK!"
She kept on yelling, and then opened her eyes, looked up,
and found herself in her living room in the present. She put
a hand on her belly and took deep breaths, and with every
intake of air the pain in her stomach increased. She slowly
calmed herself and the pain eased. She didn't look around
her, but was pretty sure Death was still there.
"What time is it?" She asked.
"About twenty past six." He said, and as he did she looked
up at him. It was the most bizarre sight she'd ever
witnessed, and the most beautiful one. The sun had already
risen and it lit her living room with an orange yellow light
that seemed to hover like fog around her, lighting the room
ever so slightly. But as it touched Death, it broke, or
consumed even, mixing with his dark aura, creating a dark
golden glow around him like lava, and from it beams of light
shot out to all corners of the room making colored shadows
of things Adeline could not define.
"You're...beautiful" She said, and kept her gaze on him.
Death said nothing, just had a strange half smile on his
face and stood still, apparently waiting for her to get over
the view. She walked to the window and breathed the morning
air. It smelled of wet grass and mud. She loved it.
"The vision didn't last that long," she said, "how can it be
twenty past six already?"
"There's a whole time issue with these visions and the real
world I won't bother you about, partly because I don't
really understand it all that much, myself. Suffice to say
that a short while in a vision is much longer here." Death
said.
Adeline just nodded and continued to look outside, where
tops of trees danced in the wind.
"The world is a beautiful place, isn't it?" Death said,
walking up behind her.
She looked down. A few cars were in the street, and some
people walking their dogs. Everything was silent except of
the occasional car cutting through the air.
"I thought you weren't going to try and convince me into
anything."
"I'm not. I was just asking a question."
Gray clouds hovered slowly across the horizon, passing the
flat golden sun, surrounded suddenly by the same mesmerizing
glow Death just had.
"It is. It's very beautiful."
"Wouldn't you say that you don't have to be successful or
rich to see the world and be happy?"
She turned around, her palms resting on the window sill.
"Yes. I guess I would say that."
Death smiled. It wasn't a condescending smile, she noted, it
was warm. The chill she felt near him eased for those few
seconds when he smiled at her.
"But wouldn't you say that it's much harder to notice the
wonders of the world when you've got other things on your
mind?" She said. "The world is quite passive unless you pay
attention to it."
Death's smile didn't fade or even flinch. He simply walked
back and sat on the sofa.
"You just did." He said.
She walked and sat next to him, putting her hand on his lap.
She got her face so close to his that she could hear his icy
cold breaths.
"It's easy for me", she said, "I've got just one thing on my
mind."
And with that she sat up swiftly, patting Death's thigh, and
got up from the couch.
When she turned around Death wasn't smiling anymore.
"Well", she said, "my other self won't wake up for at least
another hour so we can wait..."
"...or," said Death, "We could start another vision. The
next day, perhaps, when you quit your job."
Adeline shook her head frantically.
"No no no... I'm not sure I can. I mean, I want to, you were
right about that, but I don't think I can handle it."
"It's your decision, but I do urge you to go. I've already
told you, it's just to get another perspective."
Adeline knew she'd regret it, but nevertheless she decided
to go. She'd known she'd go even before she quickly
dismissed the option. She'd have to handle the terrible
feeling that followed. She wanted to get it over with.
The world dissolved again.
The process seemed faster now, and in what seemed like just
a few seconds Adeline found herself at the 'Stylish'
offices. She'd remembered everything quite vividly. The
walls had annoying green carpeting, and hung everywhere were
older covers of the magazine Adeline always liked to look
at. The offices occupied the tenth floor of a twenty story
building, in which there were also a computer programming
course, a few shops occupied the first four floors, a radio
station and a few other businesses Adeline didn't know or
really care about. The entire floor of 'Stylish' was
basically a big hall laden with cubicles seemingly at
random, with only three real offices for the Editor, Samuel
Bates, and assistants at the southern end, with the entrance
on the opposite side. Adeline stood in the middle of the
cubicle mash with Death by her side. She examined her
surroundings. She looked to the east wall of the floor for
the terribly un-stylish plastic clock which always stopped
working every two days. Apparently it was currently active
and it showed the time to be seven thirty.
"We're early...I remember coming in a bit late today." She
said.
They walked among the cubicles to pass the time.
"There's Marcia Winters' office", Adeline said, as it came
into view through the maze. "She's the one I intended to
replace."
"You wanted them to fire her and hire you?"
"Not necessarily. She was retiring, or at least was said to
be. I just wanted them to speed up the process."
"Quite presumptuous of you."
"Quite."
Adeline's cubicle was the closest one to Marcia's office.
They walked into it. Adeline sat in her chair - her past
chair, and Death sat on the desk. Past Adeline had
Beanie-Babies all over the desk and the computer, little
penguins and cows and other livestock.
"Jesus, even my cubicle is disgustingly happy." She said.
"Well I think it's cute." Death said, picking up what
appeared to be a bull and squeezed it in his palm.
"Somehow I'm not surprised. I guess you won't be glad to
hear that later on I threw them all in a trash can and burnt
them until they were nothing but ashes. I threw them
somewhere near the entrance to my building, I believe."
Death just frowned at her and picked up a dolphin to join
the bull.
They both suddenly heard silent talking from the cubicle
left of Adeline's. They didn't really pay much attention to
it until they both heard quite clearly Adeline's name in the
conversation. They looked at each other and got up
simultaneously to move to a better hearing position.
"That's Bill Ryan's cubicle", Adeline said.
"What's he to you?" Death asked, and somehow the question
seemed suddenly awfully important.
"Barely an acquaintance."
They both sneaked up slowly to the cubicle, as if whoever
was occupying it could hear them, anyway. That thought
suddenly reoccurred to Adeline and she straightened up and
walked in. There she saw Bill sitting in his chair and
Delores Witherspoon, another co-worker and one of Adeline's
closest friends in the office, sitting on his desk. Bill was
irritated or nervous and was tapping the tip of his pen on
the desk furiously.
"I'm telling you this just isn't right." he said, with a
hint of a southern accent to his voice.
Delores waved her short legs back on forth, sighed, and
looked at the ceiling. She was obviously quite fed up with
the conversation already.
"Oh come on, Billy", she said, "You know you're just saying
that because you have a crush on her."
Adeline's chest suddenly expanded as she gasped and then
deflated as she slowly exhaled.
She found herself wondering if Death noticed her.
"So what if I do?" Billy continued. "It just means I care
more about her and see things that she, and apparently her
friends, just won't see."
"What it means, dear, is that you see things that are just
not there!"
"Come on!" Bill snapped, and clamped the pencil on the table
in a sudden swift action. "That Roy is bad news. I've seen
the way she's with him when he escorts her to work. That's
not love, it's just passion."
"And who's gonna give her love? YOU?" Delores said, jumping
off the desk and walking out of the cubicle. Billy quickly
got up and followed her. Adeline and Death were soon on
their trail.
"Well at least I would try! This whole promotion thing she's
doing... we all know it can't lead anywhere good. And I've
heard you two talk, it was all his idea. There's something
fishy in all this."
"You're just letting your feelings cloud your mind... I
mean, of course, when you love her, anyone else must be
wrong for her."
"It's not like that." They both walked to the water cooler
near the entrance.
"Look", Billy said, "we aren't exactly on terms of
friendship, so when you next see her just tell her to be
careful, not to do anything drastic."
"I'll see what I can do, but you just have to accept that
she's with someone and doing quite well. You're just not
going to be her knight in shining armor. Now get back to
work, you have to send in your column by eight...if you're
late again Sam will eat you alive."
Billy walked back to his cubicle, and Marcia had a drink of
water and wandered off. Adeline and Death went back to Past
Adeline's cubicle. Adeline sat down softly on her chair,
wide eyed and breathing heavily. She looked at him and saw
what she expected: he was smiling.
He picked up the dolphin again and rolled it around in his
hands.
"You didn't know, did you?" He asked, looking at the little
mammal in his hands.
Adeline was playing dumb now.
"Know what?" She asked, and nervously flicked some hair off
her face the way people do when they want to look (or feel)
preoccupied.
Death didn't spare her, however, and he was very blunt about
it.
"That Billy had a crush on you. You didn't know, did you? I
know you didn't."
"Well...no, I didn't...but..." She would have given anything
to have something to say at that point, but she didn't. She
stared at Death, her mouth opened just a little, every few
seconds a sound would come out, but no response. And Death
just looked at her and seemed to really be happy about it.
Adeline had felt the tension ease just a tad between them,
and their arguments were more like a friendly banter to her
by then, but this time she just had nothing to say. And it
was perfectly logical. After all, what possible bad or
ominous thing could there be about a guy having a crush on
you? And Billy, of all people? She hadn't known him very
closely, but she had never had a bad thought of him, she
knew that. She remembered she even thought he was cute. He
was as normal as she perceived normal to be. Then something
in her clicked again. Some little light of emotion, of hope,
that she didn't really believe she had anymore. She suddenly
understood what Death had meant when he said she'd have a
look at her life from another perspective. It wasn't herself
she was supposed to look at; it was the life around her.
Everything that concerned her she simply could not notice
any other way. Her life from a different point of view. She
felt warmth around her, a feeling she didn't have for a long
time. She wasn't all that excited about Billy, but the
options she discovered through him, the aspects of her life
she could not know and might affect her at any time... she
just had to pay attention.
"But...?" Death said, snapping her out.
She looked at him and smiled, and if she could have seen
herself she would have seen a gleam in her eyes that wasn't
a reflection of anything, and didn't come from tears. It was
a light inside of her that had begun to rekindle itself.
"But nothing...you're right."
"Well that's a little something to look forward to, isn't
it?"
"I suppose", she said, and as she did she glimpsed her past
self entering the office in a rush and heading towards them.
"Look, here she comes. As I recall it this won't take very
long."
Past Adeline walked straight into her cubicle and began
sorting out her things.
"Hey, Adeline", Billy said, peaking out from his own little
room.
"Hi..." She answered, not looking at him.
"Listen, Adeline, I know what's going on, and I just want to
say that you really should-"
"Billy, honey, I'm sorry, I can't talk now. I'm afraid this
is probably my last day here."
Billy had started to say something but she was already off
to the editor's office, Adeline behind her and Death slowly
advancing behind.
"I don't even remember talking to him that day", Adeline
said, "I'm such a fool."
"Most things are correctable. This is probably one of them."
Death said, and let Adeline lead him into the office where
Past Adeline had burst into a second ago.
"Look, Sam", Past Adeline said, assertively leaning forward
on her editor's desk, "I've waited long enough. I deserve
this damn promotion and you know it! Why are you stalling?"
Sam was a large man in his fifties, and he seemed quite
peaceful sitting there. A small lump behind the desk. He
took off his glasses smoothly and wiped them with a white
cloth he took out of a drawer.
"Let me answer that with a question... why do you keep
pressing me for the promotion when you know it's not that
simple? Marcia has been a wonderful employee and an
outstanding assistant. She is due to retire soon but that
doesn't mean we can rush it. Can't you wait a few more
months? Is what you're doing so bad?"
Adeline caught Death's thoughtful look.
"He makes a lot of sense, doesn't he?" She said, "See what
blind love makes you do? I was acting so foolishly."
Death nodded and kept his eyes on the conversation.
"That's not the point", Past Adeline said firmly, "this
shouldn't be such a problem if you really wanted to do it. I
suspect foul play. Let me tell you this, I've had enough of
your fooling around. If you don't give me an answer right
now I'm quitting."
Sam's puffy face which showed a sort of polite indifference
throughout the argument suddenly looked surprised and
puzzled.
"Adeline, you can't be serious. Don't throw away a
successful career for greed."
"Greed!? I earned it, you bastard!"
Sam was silent for a while, and then said; "I'm sorry, then.
I can't give you an answer and if you're going to push me to
give you one now it would be 'no'."
"So that's how it is. That's what I am to this magazine..."
"Don't be that way... you don't have to quit."
She stood straight and had a repulsed look on her face. "Oh,
but I do", she said, and stormed out.
Adeline and Death sat outside the cubicle while Past Adeline
cleaned it out, mumbling words to herself, some of which
Adeline she didn't recall saying, and was a bit amused
about. But she was saddened, remembering what actually had
just happened...again. That renewed sense of hope had come
too late; she had already done the damage.
Billy was sitting in his cubicle, eyeing Past Adeline, a sad
look on his face.
"Why didn't he say anything to me? Why didn't he talk when
he had the time?" Adeline said to herself.
"Don't burden yourself with that", Death said. "What's
happened happened. Besides, had he said something, would you
have listened? Would you have cared?"
Adeline felt a warm wet tear slide against her face. She'd
thought she was through crying but, thinking about it again,
she deduced that a great amount of pain and sadness such as
was in her doesn't just go away.
"No, I probably wouldn't." She stared at her swiftly
emptying desk, and then at Past Adeline as she walked
towards the exit. Delores caught her before she left.
"What just happened?" She asked. "It sounded like a
battlefield in there!"
"I quit, Delores, and unless Sam intends on making some
changes, I'm not coming back." Past Adeline said, and walked
out. Billy walked slowly behind Delores, and stood beside
her.
"Billy, this really isn't the time for the 'I-told-you-so
talk." She said, her arms crossed and looking at Past
Adeline as she stood waiting for the elevator behind the
glass door of the offices.
"I wasn't going to say that at all", Billy said. "It's too
late for that. I should have said something. I feel awful."
"Don't. It's not your fault. I really don't know what's
become of her lately. You should have seen her when she just
got here. She was...content. I suppose if this is what she
wants we should accept it."
"It's not what she wants", Billy said and walked in front of
her, "it's that Roy. I should go to her."
"Don't do anything. It's not your place."
"I know, but-"
"Just accept it already!" Delores said while walking away
from him. He just stood there, staring into nothing. He
sighed. Adeline was on the verge of crying again, and the
only reason she wasn't was because she did her best to hold
it in. She tried to keep her lips straight but they kept
shaking and quivering. She didn't do a better job with her
eyes, which involuntarily watered again. She walked closer
to Billy, put her lips close to his ear and whispered.
"Don't listen to her", her voice was like a slight breeze on
a grassy field, and it seemed to echo into eternity. "Go to
Adeline. She needs help, she just doesn't know it. Go to
her, you can change her life." She kissed his cheek.
Billy sighed again, then looked at his wrist watch and
walked away. Adeline looked at him go and shook her head
slightly. She never felt such a strong sense of loss before,
and it had never burnt inside her as much as it did then.
She felt the comforting but cold touch of Death's hand on
her shoulder.
"He can't hear you...or feel you. I'm sorry, you can't
change a thing."
Adeline turned to him and thought she saw some ice bits near
the bottom of his eyes. She didn't really know what to make
of that, but she assumed it was as close as Death could come
to crying. In a way she was touched.
"I know", she said, "I just...hoped against hope." she wiped
her face with her right hand. When she removed it she saw
she was in the living room again.
"Wait, let's go back! I want to see Billy again." She said,
spinning around to see where Death was. For some reason she
had a strange feeling that he'd be gone, but as she turned
she saw him standing near the corridor.
"Why? There was nothing left to see there. If all goes well,
and I have a feeling it will, you'll see him later."
Adeline didn't like Death pointing out that she might make
it out loud. She felt it, too, of course, but talking about
it and being so sure about it was just a bit naive. She'd
grown past that stage, she knew better. She had figured
Death did, too.
"I don't know...remember that that was well over a month
ago. Who knows what might be different now?"
"Who knows indeed? That's what life is all about.
Anticipation." As he said that he suddenly bubbled and burst
into dark, oily clouds. They swirled around and bumped into
each other, and then swiftly all merged into a big dark
shape, which twisted and stretched until it looked like
Death again, and all his features reappeared. His black suit
was all wrinkled. Real World Adeline had walked right
through him without even noticing it.
"I hate when that happens", he said, and fixed his suit.
"That happens a lot?" Adeline asked, still a bit shocked at
the sight of him bursting to pieces.
"Not really all that often, but likely more often than you
think."
Real World Adeline sat at the kitchen table and with slow
motions took a bagel and began cutting it in half. Adeline
observed her, with Death's words in her mind saying that she
was exactly like her but without the will to die. That made
things a bit more depressing. Every ounce of happiness in
her had disappeared. She had sensed it before, of course,
but seeing it from outside like that was frankly shocking.
Her hair, long and brown, lay on her head, or sprawled, more
likely, like a dead animal. The blades of her hair were
entangled among themselves and they looked weak, their color
seemed to be fading. Adeline walked to the opposite side of
the table from where Real World Adeline was sitting and she
looked at her face. She was expressionless. It wasn't
sadness or thoughtfulness, it was indifference and that
surprised Adeline a bit. There was no gleam in her eyes.
They were cold and hard, and Adeline thought that if she'd
be crying there would be little bits of ice beneath her eyes
like Death had had. Real World Adeline was now spreading
butter on both sides of the bagel, still in slow,
characterless, motions. When she was done she turned on the
TV with the remote and began eating it slowly. Adeline
remembered the morning bagels were her favorite meal of the
day, but Real World Adeline didn't even seem to be mildly
enjoying it. She was simply gulping it down to keep on the
pointless act of being alive. But, of course, she didn't
know of any alternative.
"Awfully lively, isn't she?" Adeline said, looking at Death
with a sad smile.
"Don't let that get you down. Remember, she hasn't met me
and hasn't learned what you've learned. I can see you now. I
know what I told you in the beginning but things have
changes since then. You're different from her now."
Adeline lowered her stare. A sudden fright crept over her, a
sudden discouragement.
"I'm not so sure..." she said, her head lowered, looking at
Death through the hair on her brow. She never wanted him to
answer back as much as that moment. She wanted him to go on
arguing, to assure her that she was wrong and she just
didn't notice. But he didn't say a thing. That stung her
more than the fear she had before. Now she feared that
Death, the one who apparently had believed in her all along,
wasn't so sure about her anymore, either. She could feel
whatever light there was inside her being beaten with a
freezing storm, and she felt out of breath as the light
slowly diminished. But she tried her best to cover her
emotions. She somehow knew Death wasn't reading her mind
anymore. Maybe Death had some other plans in mind now,
thoughts he was keeping to himself that didn't concern her.
She felt as if she could read his mind, but knew instantly
it was just an illusion. There was simply no way her mind
could read the mind of a being who has wondered the stars
forever. Even if she could, she decided, she would not
understand a thing.
Real World Adeline finished the bagel and wiped her mouth
with a napkin. She switched off the TV, which Adeline
noticed was showing a cold weather forecast just before it
went black. Real World Adeline then got up, took her
handbag, and slowly walked to the door. Adeline followed her
and had a chance to notice the change in her clothing, or at
least in the attitude in which she wore them. She was
wearing jeans and a tee shirt, but unlike the Past Adeline,
this one didn't wear the clothes as a certain style, she
just wore them as a necessity and it showed. The jeans were
ripped and scratched at places which didn't suggest they
were purposely made, and the tee shirt was on backwards. Not
to mention that neither looked washed. Adeline had to keep
reminding herself that this was her, because she just
couldn't believe her eyes. Had she deteriorated so much? How
did it all happen without her noticing it? She knew that all
that she had seen and learned had affected her, but she was
certain that even if she hadn't experienced all that she had
she would find that look repulsive and unattractive...at
least she thought she would. Real World Adeline walked
dragging her feet, and her back slouched. Adeline figured
that even if she had the clothes on properly, they wouldn't
be of any help, anyway. She was disappointed with herself.
Disappointed for becoming like that and for not noticing it
sooner. Then she remembered. Why should she care? Why DID
she care? If things hadn't turned the way they did she
might've been dead by this time, anyway. That's why she
didn't care about what she wore. Real World Adeline was just
like her, after all.
"Where's she going?" asked Death, following Adeline from the
kitchen.
"To work", Adeline sighed and pointed to a bit of red cloth
sticking out of Real World Adeline's handbag, heading out
the door, "to work."
"What's that?"
"That's my uniform. My beautiful uniform. All the employees
of 'Darryl's' convenient store have to wear it. Quite a step
up, I must say."
Death didn't say anything and she assumed he didn't
appreciate the sarcasm. They walked out of the house and
into the street. The sun was shining up above, Adeline was
sure, but large clouds covered most of the sky and only
patches of light were seen here and there. She filled her
lungs with air.
"I remember one of my teachers in high school told me that's
Ozone." She told Death as they walked to the convenient
store.
"What?" He asked, his thin black eyebrows in an arc.
"The smell in the air when it's about to rain. It's Ozone. I
love that smell. I love rain."
She wasn't making any sense to Death and she knew it, but
she wasn't trying to. Looking up ahead, she saw Real World
Adeline walking along the sidewalk as indifferently as she
did everything. She didn't pause to smell the air or look at
the clouds, and that seemed very odd to Adeline. She had
always loved the rain and its smell. She didn't know what to
make of it so she just let it go. Whatever the answer is it
would present itself later, she thought. She hoped. The
convenient store wasn't too far from Adeline's apartment and
pretty soon its big yellow sign loomed ahead of them. Not
much work had been put into it; a big yellow plastic
rectangle with 'Darryl's' drawn on it in thick red letters.
Real World Adeline walked to the glass door of the store and
pushed it open. Death and Adeline soon followed.
"Geez, you were almost late again!" Said a big woman with
short brown curly hair and glasses. Real World Adeline
didn't answer. She just went to the changing room and came
out a couple of minutes later, with the red uniform on.
Adeline didn't even remember the big woman's name, and she
was working at the place for a week. She simply didn't want
to know anyone. She closed herself up. When she thought
about it she realized she wasn't even talking to Delores
anymore. It became clear to her that many of her problems,
her loneliness in particular, were her own fault, things she
could fix in the blink of an eye. Real World Adeline went to
her register and said nothing.
"What's wrong with you today?" Said the big woman,
annoyingly loud.
Real World Adeline still didn't answer. It was as if she was
in a trance, or a zombie. Something had occurred to Adeline,
then. A strange and terrifying thought. She did her best to
think of other things in case Death was still strolling now
and then in the paths of her mind. She didn't want to think
about that ever again and she hoped to God she was wrong.
Adeline got bored watching her real self standing at her
booth and doing slow uninteresting work. She poked Death on
the arm.
"Want another vision?" Death asked, and Adeline somehow knew
he didn't read her mind to know that's what she wanted to
do.
"I want to go to back to the same day we just left, at about
eight thirty PM."
"What happens then?"
"I have my last dinner with Roy." She said softly, and as
she did the convenient store started changing its color, and
the walls seemed like liquid as they swirled and splashed
and suddenly the moon was shining on her face through the
living room window. The table was set for two again, no
candles this time, and no wine either. The atmosphere was a
lot grimmer, it was clear.
"I had called Roy when I came back from work," she told
Death, "I told him I'd quit and how thankful I was to him.
He didn't say anything, and I knew already that it was a bad
sign. He sighed and told me we had something important to
talk about. I told him I'd make dinner and he said he'd be
here. It was the shortest conversation I ever had with him,
and it took that long to start the end of our
relationship."
Past Adeline suddenly came through the kitchen door, playing
nervously with the sleeves of her white see-through shirt.
She sat at one of the chairs and stared at the door. Shortly
a knock was heard and she hurriedly went to open it. Roy was
standing in the doorway, his hand brushing his slick black
hair. He swiftly walked in and sat on a chair, looking at
the floor. Past Adeline closed the door and sat opposite
from him.
"What's wrong?" she asked, and Adeline heard such sympathy
in her voice. Such care. She loved him too much. He didn't
deserve it. "You sounded really upset on the phone. I
thought you'd be happy."
Roy was silent for a while, as if in deep thought. Then he
spoke.
"Oh, I am. I am, Linny. Very happy for you. But..." He
started to say.
"You can tell me anything." she said, pulling her chair
closer and putting her hand on his lap.
"Here's the thing...I think we should break up."
Past Adeline suddenly jerked backwards, her hand hanging in
the air for a moment, and then dropping beside her. Adeline
felt an urge to walk right up and hit Roy hard in the face.
It hurt her to remember that she couldn't.
"What...?" Past Adeline said, breathing heavily, "Why? What
did I do?"
"It's not you, babe, it's me. It just doesn't feel good
anymore. I don't know. I've been thinking about it all day.
I feel empty. It's been reflecting on my work and my boss
has been giving me hell. I'm unhappy."
"But why?" We've always had so much fun!" Past Adeline said,
her cheeks wet with tears.
Roy just shrugged. Adeline swallowed down hard and took a
breath. She'd managed to get most of that conversation out
of her mind, but here it was again, and even though she was
expecting it, it hurt her badly. She shivered.
After a moment of silence, Roy spoke again.
"I'd better be going. I'm sorry." He left as swiftly as he
came in. The door closed slowly, and a soft shutting noise
was heard. Past Adeline laid her head on the table and cried
next to the plates of uneaten spaghetti and meatballs.
Adeline walked to her past self. She wanted to comfort her,
but knew that even if she could hear her, Adeline had
nothing to say. She couldn't tell her it would get better.
She wasn't sure of that at all. And she didn't think that
telling her she will soon come face to face with Death
himself was very comforting. There was nothing to say and
nothing to do but go back.
"Let's go..." Adeline said, and just as she did the living
room melted away in cosmic flares and became the store. "You
didn't miss anything," she told Death, who was somewhere in
her vicinity, she knew, "I was up crying my eyes out all
night, completely losing all the self confidence I had in
me. The next day I was home stuffing myself with food and
watching TV."
"What happens later?" Death asked, and Adeline turned and
saw him looking at some canned goods.
"I try to get my job back. I'm too late." She walked along
the aisle, brushing her hand on the products as she passed
them. She had no real good memory of that place. In all
fairness she'd only been there a week, but the place seemed
practically new to her. It was so apart from anything she
liked that she couldn't perceive herself working there, even
though she was standing right there, taking money from an
old man and bagging his bread and eggs and milk and other
things that she couldn't care less about.
There was one memory now invading her mind, of her trying to
get her job back. It was then that she finally understood
what happened to her. Her happiness was just struggling to
find the way, but it wasn't lost. When she left the offices
that day, she left her happiness there, too. Life had
revealed the cruel truth to her, and she paid the price for
being naïve.
Death walked in front of her, and she looked at him.
"Shall we go?" He asked, holding a can of pickles.
"I suppose," she said, half looking at Real World Adeline
who wasn't doing anything exceptional, "but I seriously
don't think I can take much more of this."
A darkness suddenly enveloped Death's face. It swiftly
passed, but there was recognition in his eyes. Whatever he
was going tell her, it won't be good. Death returned the can
and looked at Adeline as intensely as he did when she first
saw him. There was sympathy now, sympathy and fear.
"Adeline, there isn't going to be more after this. We're
nearing the end of the experiment. This is the last vision,"
He said, reaching his hand to her face, caressing her cheek,
and again the store evaporated and was replaced by the
'Stylish' offices. Actually, she was in Sam's office, and
she could see Past Adeline, already looking a lot less
lively, through the office door, walking towards it. Adeline
could see Sam sitting at his desk, examining some papers,
but she had caught a glimpse of his towards outside his
office. He knew she was coming. Adeline had hoped they'd
come a bit sooner, so she'd have time to prepare herself
mentally, and see if Billy was around and what he had to
say, but thinking again it all seemed futile to her, Death's
last words ringing in her head like a church bell. It didn't
matter anymore; she would be facing the test soon. She
didn't know how it would happen, if she would get
transported somewhere or Death would tell her. He was
standing next to her now, and didn't say a thing. He was
trying to keep Adeline calm. Her guess was that he wasn't
even supposed to tell her it was the last vision. She didn't
know if Death treated all the people he came to the same
way, but she felt he was very fond of her. That's good, she
thought, I'm very fond of him. She feared the test a little
less with that thought in her mind, and she didn't feel
quite as certain about its outcome as she had been pretty
recently.
Past Adeline suddenly opened the door, which made a creaking
noise, and closed it behind her as she came in.
"Sam..." She said with a broken weeping voice.
Sam didn't look up, but his body language suggested
discomfort. He wasn't taking pleasure I firing her. That was
certain. He raised his eyes and looked at her. He shook his
head.
"Adeline...I'm sorry...." He said.
"Don't be!" She cut him off, "I'm sorry! Please, I was a
fool. Let's just forgive and forget."
"It's not that, hon, you see..."
"No, I don't see! Look, you were right, I was greedy. I
forgot why I came to work here and I just wanted more!
Please..."
"It's not about that..."
"I'll work for less, ok? I'll...transfer to the Q&A section.
Please... I'll do anything..."
"We already gave your job to someone else." He pointed to a
young woman walking around Past Adeline's ex-cubicle.
Past Adeline looked around, a surprised look on her face.
Adeline remembered the feeling. It was the last thing she
expected. She thought she'd have to bargain for her job, and
that she'd deserve any demotion she got for being such a
jackass. But Sam wasn't just a boss, he was her friend, to a
certain degree. She had no idea they would just find someone
to replace her in the blink of an eye. She twisted back to
Sam, and there was pain in her eyes now. Anger and pain. The
worst combination and Adeline knew it.
"Fire her!" Past Adeline snapped.
"I can't! We have a contract, just like you had. I can't
just fire her."
"But how did you find one so fast? I mean..." She stopped
talking, her mouth hanging open, looking at the young woman
again.
"Someone recommended her. We needed a replacement. Come now,
surely you can find some other place to put your skills to
good use!"
Past Adeline just stood in the office, with her hands by her
side. Sniffing, she turned around and walked out the door,
trying her best to be discreet, but knowing that she wasn't,
with many pairs of eyes already aimed on the office since
she had entered it. Adeline remembered that clearly. When
she went into the elevator, she noticed Roy coming up the
stairs. The elevator doors closed. Adeline could stay this
time, while her past self departed, and see what was going
on. But then again, she didn't need to. What happened there
now was not her concern. She knew all she needed to know and
that was enough.
"I think we can be off now", she said, and her stomach
started tingling with the fear and uncertainty of what was
to come.
"Roy's here", said Death.
"I know, but I already know more than enough. If this was
the last trip, like you said, let's just go. I'll tell you
the whole thing, what all this crap amounts to."
The office melted away, all the people in it merged and
parted, and the store reappeared. Time moved much faster
while in the visions than Adeline had initially thought. It
was already noon. But she wasn't about to wait for Real
World Adeline to finish working. It was depressing and
irritating. Death had sensed it too because he was gesturing
towards the door.
"Let's sit at the front of the store", he said, "it will be
more interesting there, I'm sure."
They walked outside where the noon sun, now unlocked by
clouds, was warming the slightly wet roads.
"We missed the rain", Adeline said and smelled the air
again.
"So come on", Death urged her, "spill it all out."
Adeline sat down on the sidewalk, after brushing it a bit
with her palm. Death remained standing, his hands in his
pockets. Adeline took a deep breath, the like of which she
had taken a lot lately, and spilled it out.
"Roy is a very talented photographer. I told him that, and
he knew it to begin with. He was unhappy with where he
worked, and was right to be. It wasn't a place which made
use of his excellent skills. A man like that needed to work
in a place where he could be more artistic, like
photographing models for example. So he tried that. He went
to 'Stylish' and offered his services, which were happily
accepted. Unfortunately for the magazine, Roy had a sister
who desperately wanted to work there. A young, dense sister.
They told Roy that there was simply no room, and all the
writers had contracts. The only option for a vacancy was if
one of the employees quit his or her job. Just my luck he
didn't find Delores attractive enough." she paused for a
moment, feeling a strong gust of wind against her face,
which made it hard for her to open her eyes. "I guess
everything should be quite obvious now. He faked everything
from the moment we met. His feelings for me, his belief in
me, it was all a bluff. He made me believe false things in
order to get me to quit my job. The bastard didn't even have
the decency to wait a day or two before breaking up with me.
The moment I was out he came right in with his sister." She
burst into tears.
"How do you know all this?" Death asked.
"I went back to the office after seeing Roy there. Talked to
Delores and Sam, I even spoke with his bitch of a sister,
lying about who I was. I read her articles, you know.
They're a disgrace to the magazine. But they'll never let
her go. Not with her contract and Roy's promise that if
she's out, he's out. He's the best photographer in the
area." She was weeping so hard now it was hard for her to go
on talking, but she did. "He told me he loved me...What I
felt for him was so real, so pure. I was enchanted by him
and was sure he was true. And yet it was all a lie. It was
so easy for him to fake it. I made love to him!" she sobbed.
"How could he do that? How did I fall for it? I loved him...
My life is like a jigsaw puzzle, you know? I spent most of
my years building it, seeing it get more complete with every
passing day, and see how beautiful the picture is shaping up
to be. And then one misplaced piece, one slip, and the
puzzle is shoved off the table and shatters on the floor. A
picture created in a lifetime is destroyed in seconds.
Jesus, just hearing those words is depressing. But it
happened to me, and it's all over."
Death put his hand on her head and stroked her hair. She
looked up. His face was still. But his eyes still showed
hope.
"Oh, Adeline... Is love what you're worried about?"
"What do you mean?" She asked, sniffing.
"What you felt was real enough for you, and that's great.
But you will find someone else. Everyone does."
"You mean a soul mate? I thought Roy was my soul mate."
"In a way, but there is much you don't know. Contrary to
some people's beliefs, a person's soul is not a half of a
bigger whole. Every soul is unique and on its own."
"So there is no such thing as a soul mate?"
"Quite the opposite... You see, it's because of this fact
that you can have many soul mates! There are millions and
millions of souls out there in the world. No one is destined
for anyone else, but how many interests and emotions can
each person have? Ironically, it's simply a matter of doing
the math. With so many people in the world, what are the
odds that you will find someone with your interests, who
likes you for simply being you?"
Adeline was quiet for a second. She wiped her nose with her
sleeve.
"Pretty high, I guess."
Death nodded. "Very high. Don't let a failed love get you
down. You will find others, and even if the others fail you
can always find someone else. There really are plenty of
fish in the sea, believe me, and a great number of them
would love to meet a beautiful mermaid like you."
Adeline blushed. Her face was constantly moving from crying
to smiling so much that it began to hurt. But she didn't
mind it now. Again she felt the irrational warmth of Death
and for another moment forgot the test that was looming in
the near future.
Real World Adeline suddenly walked out of the store. They
both looked at her cross the street and head back to her
home. Death helped Adeline up from the stairs and they
followed her. Adeline felt like her soul was walking on a
tight rope, trying to reach the other side of light, but
dangling and nearly falling to the darkness. She was
confused and afraid, but she couldn't help it. Then
something happened. Adeline wasn't ready for something like
that.
Real World Adeline was walking down the street with the same
expressionless face. A young man was walking towards her,
whom Adeline didn't know. Suddenly he stopped in front of
her. Real World Adeline stood before him with her head
tilted downward, still with no apparent emotion. He put his
hand under her chin and gently lifted her head. He looked in
her eyes.
"Smile." He said, and walked away.
Real World Adeline stood there for another second, and for
once there was something in her face. She wasn't smiling,
though. After a moment she was on her way again.
Adeline had that frightening thought again, and she felt
Goosebumps. It was all making too much sense, or too much
nonsense. She looked at the strange man walking away. He was
smiling. She smiled, too.
"I had nothing to do with it, honest," said Death.
Adeline was still looking at the man, "I didn't think you
did..."
"I don't think he was coming on to you. He was just being
nice."
"That's what's so weird. Common decency is not something I'm
used to."
"Most people aren't. It's these little things you have to
notice in your life. To know there are good people in this
world. There always will be."
Adeline nodded and continued walking. The sun was setting,
and while the street was colored orange and the clouds flew
away, they reached Adeline's home.
"Let's sit here a bit," Death said and gestured to the steps
at the front of her house. Real World Adeline entered the
building and Adeline sat on the steps. Death, again,
remained standing.
"I'm sensing you're troubled, Adeline. It's not my place to
do anything, but it's your place to talk about it, it will
only be in your benefit."
"I have nothing to say," Adeline said, shrugging. She was
lying.
"Please, there must be something wrong. Remember that
anything that was wrong with your life is correctable,
especially now when you've seen so much."
"I'm not..."
"You spoke of your puzzle before. You missed a very simple
point. A puzzle can always be put back together. Even if
what you've worked a lifetime to put together has fallen
apart, you can always put it back together, and who knows?
The picture might come out better than it was before."
Adeline was disappointed with Death. He simply didn't
understand. She had the urge to get up and yell at him, but
she managed to tone herself down a bit. She looked up at him
and spoke bitterly.
"Don't you get it? For a being that's been around for a
while you seem more innocent than I was. Do you think that
people who commit suicide don't know anything else? That
life is oblivious to us? Of course not! Of course I'd rather
be alive! I see the puzzle on the floor and I weep over it.
I know how to put it back together! We all do! We don't WANT
to! Don't you see? This isn't a disease or corruption. It's
a state of mind! Seeing it all destroyed, I just don't want
to put it back together again. I guess... I guess I'm just
exhausted..." she breathed slowly, and in her mind she saw
her heart slowing down to a stop. She shook the vision out.
She lowered her gaze to the floor. From where she was
sitting she could only see Death's two skinny black legs.
Suddenly they moved to her left, and he sat down next to
her. As he did, his suit brushed against her shoulder. It
sounded like two blocks of ice being crushed together, and
yet, she felt warmer than she had ever felt near him. She
figured that was as close to a hug as Death could give.
"I never thought of it that way..." He said, looking down.
"In my eyes the souls were so horrible it could only have
been something else corrupting them. I never figured that
the souls themselves had made their minds, that the sadness
wasn't just something in the realm of the living. The will
to live was always such a strong element in my eyes. I
didn't realize it could falter."
Adeline looked at him. He looked at her.
"But, you know..." he started, "Even if it's a state of mind
it still can be changed. Any person can see the good things
in life. You can't tell me you weren't affected."
"I was," she said, "and you're right. It can be changed."
They both got up and walked inside. They walked up the
stairs, and as they got higher the stairway seemed to get
darker. Adeline had a bad feeling. Being near Death for so
long had perhaps given her a strange sense of precognition.
When they reached Adeline's floor they saw her door was
open. Adeline looked inside and gasped. Her knees loosened
and she fell softly to the floor. Death walked behind her
and looked around wide eyed. The orange light lit the wooden
floor of her apartment and there were no shadows anywhere.
The apartment was completely empty.
"I've been robbed..." Adeline said silently. She felt like
someone punched her in the stomach. But what stung her even
more was the look of Real World Adeline. She was standing in
the middle of the living room, with the same expression. She
wasn't crying or panicking or anything. She just stood
there. Adeline's terrifying thought crept to her again, but
this time it was more than that. This time it was the
answer. The key. Adeline burst into tears.
"Don't cry," Death said, "You can get your things again...
it's not the-"
"Oh, just shut up!" She yelled. "I've figured it out."
"Figured what out?"
"Everything. Whenever you argued with me, all your argument
said was that 'it might get better, you never know'. Well
here we are! Is this better!? I have no guarantee it will
ever get better, and so far life's been giving me hints all
along that it doesn't want me around."
"What about Billy? What about knowing that good things
happen when you don't see them?"
"Bad things happen, too. And what about Billy? So what if he
loves me? I know you figured what I have, but you never said
it. You hoped I'd miss it. Well I didn't. Look at this
Adeline. She is just like me only without the will to kill
herself. Those are your words. Well look what you've done to
her! For some bizarre reason the only thing that gave me a
personality was the will to kill myself. It made my life
meaningful again. Forget the stupid jigsaw puzzle. I don't
have to put it together because I'm just going to throw it
away! Without that on my mind, I'm nothing. I have no goals
for myself and no passions anymore. Life made sure of that.
Every time you kindled a spark of hope, just a glimmer, that
my life really could get better, it let me down. And just
look how fast it changes? One second I'm happy, the next I'm
sad. I can't live like that. Life guided me, just as you
said, and it guided me to the conclusion that I have nothing
to live for. Don't you see? The only thing I was living for
was the day I will kill myself!" She walked towards the
kitchen, her face so wet with tears now that anyone seeing
her wouldn't ever imagine that she ever smiled. Death didn't
say anything. He just stood in the doorway.
"That's what they say, isn't it?" She said, "That it's the
easy way out... well I doubt anyone ever had it this hard
just to kill themselves. I earned this! I earned it!" She
took a knife out of the knife rack. It made a spine-tingling
noise, similar to the sound of Death's suit brushing against
her. It was another sign for her. Life was throwing the
truth brutally in her face. But it wouldn't kill her,
unfortunately, she'd have to do it herself. She walked out
of the kitchen, the long kitchen knife in her hand. Death
was looking at her, but he remained silent.
"I know you must be disappointed", she said, advancing to
Real World Adeline. Her voice was muffled through all the
crying. She was trying to seem determined but she was
afraid. She didn't want to kill herself. But there was no
other way for her. It was her tragic end, her departure from
a world that didn't want her. "There's no other way, you
see. I've cooperated with you, and this is the outcome. I
knew this would happen, you know. I did. But there were
times I really felt different. You can rest at ease with
that thought. You did your best, but I was beyond help. I'm
sorry I couldn't help you. I'm sorry you'll have to see my
soul. I'm sorry." She stopped talking. As she neared Real
World Adeline, she hoped that Death was wrong, and that she
wouldn't notice her.
Death wasn't wrong.
When Adeline came close and raised the knife, she became
visible to the Real World Adeline. Her eyes nervously looked
at her, completely shocked and puzzled, and then she saw the
knife. She buckled down and cried, and her face showed
absolute terror. A face which showed absolutely nothing
until then was suddenly smeared with every terrible emotion
all at once. It was unfair, she thought. Adeline felt her
heart getting pierced, her hand was shaking and she couldn't
drop it. Real World Adeline was sprawled on the floor, her
hands raised up towards Adeline. Adeline suddenly screamed
so hard that it echoed into the streets, where frightened
people looked outside. She thrust down her hand and it
scratched Real World Adeline's arm. It wasn't enough to kill
her, but enough to get Adeline going. She lifted her hand
and thrust down again, slashing, stabbing frantically. She
didn't know what to hit, just as long as she would
eventually stop breathing. Sprays of blood flew to the floor
and on Adeline's face as she continued to tear herself
apart. She stopped and dropped the knife on the floor. She
looked at her bloody hands, all red and dripping, and then
at Real World Adeline, who gasped and looked at her, still
with the terrified, wide-eyed, look. Adeline watched as her
breaths grew shorter and further apart.
Then they stopped.
Adeline was grabbed by a force she didn't recognize and was
thrown through space. Darkness and stars surrounded her as
chaos took control. In the midst of the storms and
whirlwinds of eternity she suddenly understood everything.
It all came to her as if it should have been clear from the
beginning. Then everything went black.


A room was lit by two portals. It wasn't really a room, more
of a section of infinite space, where the two portals never
ceased to be. At the mouth of one portal stood a man. He was
wearing a purple sweater on a flannel shirt, with brown
corduroy pants and sneakers. Opposite him, at the mouth of
the other portal, stood Death. She was wearing black leather
pants, boots, and a leather jacket. She looked quite snappy
indeed. She looked at the man and smiled.
"So this was it?" she asked.
"I suppose." The man said, smiling too.
"So all this time... all this talk about what's good about
life and its importance...it was all a lie. All this time
you wanted me to kill myself?"
"Heavens, no! I thought you'd understand it completely by
now. I wasn't lying when I was trying to convince you to
live, I was on your side all along. Believe me, dying happy
and getting rid of that foolish depression would be much
better than what has happened to you. But, of course, you
can consider yourself lucky."
"Lucky?"
"Lucky that I chose you. Understand that there are hundreds
of people who kill themselves every day. You will soon know
that very well. They continue being tortured throughout
eternity in the afterlife and very few of them ever manage
to free themselves on their own. You, however, got a
pardoning! An assurance that you will be free! Just as I
received it before you."
Death nodded. "So that was you sin," She said, "You killed
yourself."
"Exactly. The previous Death came to me and tried to stop me
and I failed the test, just as you did. But if I had stayed
alive then, I would have spared myself all those years of
watching the damned souls."
"Why did you choose me?"
"When it was finally my time to get replaced, I was given
the task of choosing my own replacement. I scanned the world
for sadness and despair. It wan't hard to find at all. I
tried to find someone who I thought deserved this more than
the others."
"So I deserved it more?"
The man smiled. "No. You didn't. I couldn't find one person
in the entire world who deserved this more. They had all
been like you, simply hopeless. But when I came across your
soul, I was touched. You really do have a beautiful soul,
and it's such a shame it was corrupted. I gave this to you
because I wanted to see your soul happy, even if it will
take a long time."
Death seemed sad for a moment. "What's going to happen?"
"I won't deny this, you are going to experience hell.
Everything I talked to you about, all the horrors I have
seen, you will see. The more corrupted your soul is, the
more will those visions torture you. It may take you a
hundred years, it may take you a thousand, and it may take
you a lot longer than that, but eventually, seeing the
torment and sadness, you will understand your mistake and
value life again. I can't explain it to you in full, but you
will understand. When that happens, and it will, your soul
will break free. Then you will find another replacement and
take your place in the afterlife."
Death smiled. "I'm happy right now just thinking about it."
"You will know true happiness, believe me."
"And when I do, perhaps I will see you again?"
"I'll make sure you will," he said and smiled, "and you'll
make us some steaks and potatoes."
They both laughed, and the sound of it drifted into the
realm of the living, and for a brief second everyone in the
world was happy.
The man turned around and stared into the vortex.
"Well, now I'm off to the afterlife. I've waited so long to
be a part of it." A tear ran down his cheek and he touched
it. "I've waited so long to be able to cry."
"Goodbye," Death said.
The man slowly walked down the glowing path
"Wait!" Death said. "What's you name?"
The man looked at Death and smiled again. "It's Andrew," he
said, and then he disappeared inside the portal.
"Goodbye, Andrew," Death said, and then turned to face the
other portal, which glowed intensely and swirled like a
giant whirlpool.
A wind from apparently nowhere blew her black oily hair, and
any mortal seeing it would have thought it contained the
whole universe. Time and size have no meaning in that place,
and as the stars moved and galaxies shifted she stood there,
alone in the dark, and awaited the next batch of new souls
to arrive.