For a long time there was just me and the glow.
It's a beautiful thing, the glow. Too beautiful. I tried
staring into its midst, but each time I did I had to gasp in
awe and avert my eyes. There's something amazing within, but
my mind can't even contain the knowledge, let alone express
it in words.
And I tried to reach it. I had to. It was so beautiful, it
seemed as though there was nothing else in the world. Every
time I did, though, the glow would dim, receding from me,
eluding my grasp.
There was nothing to do but wait. Bask in its light,
celebrate its existence, and wait.
Wait for it to come to me.
But I had to keep trying. I had to keep touching. And every
time it seemed a little bit dimmer, for as long as I tried.
Then it would be as bright, as beautiful, as magnificent as
it always has been.
And just as unattainable.
So I sat here, for a long time, and closed my eyes, and
concentrated. And as I did, I could feel it shine on me
still; warm, caressing light, taking away the hurts,
offering the promise of a future. And I could feel it
getting closer and closer. I could sense it coming within my
grasp. I felt a tendril of what could only be pure white
light, caressing my face. So I opened my eyes.
It burns still, that pain. It never went away.
And now the glow seems miles away, and there are shadows
everywhere. I can no longer deny their tug on me.
And what I want to say is that I saw God that one moment,
that I could take it all in, that it all suddenly made
sense, that nothing can ever take away that moment when I
looked straight into its depths. That no matter where I go
from here, this will always be with me to keep me strong.
But I'd be lying, wouldn't I?
Because it wasn't like that. It didn't softly kiss me, it
slapped me around so hard I couldn't tell right from left.
Naughty, naughty, no peeking. You know what happens to bad
children...
All it gave me was a burn across my field of vision, and a
searing pain that doesn't leave me.
And now, as the shadows drag me away, into eternal darkness,
as the glow slowly fades, I look at it, now directly as I
can hardly even see its outline anymore. I stare at it
endlessly, ignoring the shadows.
Hungry, I fix my gaze on it, hoping that it might come back
and save me.
And I guess I'd still be looking that way when the light
fades away completely, forever.

July 25th, 2002
2:58 AM